“Sure.”
After she walked out, I lowered by myself to my leather chair. “Take a seat, Nicky.” He slid into a seat on the opposite side, rested his elbows on the table and cupped his face. “When are you going to grow out of these tricks you play on the nannies?”
He shrugged. “Why do we need nannies? I’m a big boy now, I can take care of us.” Not one to sit still for long, he stood and walked around the study, inspecting this and that.
“We discussed this, champ.” I folded my hands on the table and sighed. Even though I spent every minute I could with them, I wished I had more time. Was I a bad parent? Would Krisha have done a better job parenting them? “You know I can’t be here every day, right?” He nodded. “Besides school, you both have all the extramural stuff that you both enjoy. Someone needs to be here to take you guys to those lessons and bring you back. To stay with you at night when I’m away.”
He rolled a finger over the glass door to the toy car collection cabinet before glancing over his shoulder. “Then bring me a mommy.”
I jerked back in my seat, shocked. “I thought you didn’t want another mom?” I asked. He gripped his upper lip between his teeth and shrugged. “What made you change your mind?”
He opened the door, fidgeted with the Black 1968 custom Camaro then turned to face me. “What’s a soul mate, daddy?”
I found his question strange. Nicky wasn’t one for the mushy stuff. “It’s the person you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with. Your other half. Someone your heart belongs to, forever.”
“Was mommy your soul mate?”
“She is—was,” Although I was quick to correct my blunder, my curiosity steepled a notch higher.
His little hand scratched his head as if he wasn’t sure what to say next and I could’ve sworn my heart boomed in my chest. “And if mommy left you, what happens to your forever,” he asked, his countenance filled with naivety.
This time my heart catapulted out of my chest, beating at an irregular pace. How did I explain the affliction of love to a seven-year-old? “Sometimes we don’t get our forever with our soul mate, Nicky because our destinies are still to be written. Or maybe we have to share our heart with someone new to save them because they lost theirs unexpectedly.” Was I trying to convince my son or myself that faith was real? Distracted, I twisted the black leather band on my wrist.
“That’s what mommy said.”
My head shot up. I frowned. “What do you mean?”
He neared my table and leaned against the edge, staring at me. “I read mommy’s letter again last week when I stayed over at Cal’s house,” he said, referring to his alternating sleepover with his friend Caleb.
“You took the letter with you to Cal’s?” I asked. He nodded. I was surprised since both the kids kept their letters locked up and considered it too special to share with anyone. “Why?”
He scratched at the tabletop and I got the feeling he was hesitant. He walked away to the cabinet again. “I wanted Cal’s mom to read it to me,” he said without looking at me.
“Why?” He didn’t answer. Sensing some inner struggle, I stood and crossed the room to him. “Hey, champ.” I crouched and turned him to face me. “You know you can talk to me, right?” He nodded. “About anything.” I lifted a brow, waiting to see if he’d continue.
“I—I,” he hesitated.
“It’s okay, Nicky, tell me.”
“I wanted to imagine what mommy would sound like if she said the words to me.” His blue eyes glazed with tears. “But I didn’t give it to Cal’s mom because I knew she wouldn’t sound like my mommy.” Tears trailed down his cheek and I pulled him into my embrace.
My heart ached to tell him his mother was alive and that she would come home soon. I just needed a little more time.
Nicky pulled out of my hold and swiped at his tears. “Can I go now, daddy?”
“Yes.” Straightening, I watched him walk away, wondering what was in the letter. Before her death, Krisha had apparently made sure she covered all her basis in the event something went wrong during her delivery.
She’d written each of the kids seven letters and asked my grandmother to make sure they received the letters on their birthdays. I’d followed Krisha’s wish and every year, I’d read them their letters except for the last one. My kids believed that at seven they deserved privacy. I’d laughed at the notion then, now I was curious what she’d written.
Raking both hands through my hair, I moved to the window. I stared out wishing I could just tell Ashrika the truth and bring her home. The visit to the restaurant two nights ago might’ve been a bit over-the-top seduction on my part, but not only had her responses excited me, the acceptance of my friendship, kissing me more so, thrilled the fuck out of me. It was a step in the right direction—a slow but definite one. Maybe one more meet would seal the deal.
