Closing the file, I slowly stood. “Rayden,” the word filtered out in a whisper. I didn’t deserve to say his name out loud. I stared at him. What did I say? What did I start with? I’m the worst fucking father? I’m so sorry? Forgive me? For once, I remained speechless. Unable to form the right words. To apologize. To ask for forgiveness. Because I didn’t deserve it.
“What’s wrong, dad? Didn’t expect to see me?” My heart spasmed. I searched his face, looking for signs of hate, anger, disgust, but all I saw was tiredness. “Don’t you have anything to say to me? He stuffed his hands in the front pockets of his denim, taking a step closer. “No fatherly advice. No, you fucked up, Rayden. You couldn’t keep a woman, Rayden.” Another step. Still, I couldn’t speak. “You can’t talk to me, can you? Or maybe you don’t know how to?” He was right. I didn’t. “Because you broke my heart.” I sucked in a deep, shaky breath. His words hammered me like a crunch of a sledgehammer to stone. “Took away my happiness, my love, my reason to smile, to live?”
The hits didn’t stop. I balled my fists, his pain ricocheting through me. “Rayden,” I finally croaked.
He held up a hand. “How could you break something that was never meant to be?” The urge to cry clutched me by the throat, holding me captive as I opened my mouth to say something. He shook his head. “Do you know that since I began dating her, Sianna only told me she loved me, once?” His laugh lacked the mirth I was accustomed to. “Did you know she gave you a piece of her heart?”
I swallowed my emotions. “I didn’t.” A long silence followed my words. He stared at me, his face unreadable. I could have said more. I could’ve told him Sia hadn’t ever declared her love for me. Because she hadn’t. I assumed. I took, I subjugated. I merited any punishment he’d inflict on me. I welcomed it. Still, I couldn’t say another word. Because I didn’t know how to show him that I truly loved him.
He reached me, standing toe to toe, so close I could smell the torment on him. “She was never mine to have, dad.” He sighed, shoulders dropping in dejection. I had no idea why I decided to, but I reached out and pulled him to me, grateful he didn’t resist, grateful he allowed me to hold him, grateful he let me feel like a father once more, even if it were for just a moment. Even if I tried, I could never stop the tears as they rolled down my cheeks. Even if I tried, I could never tell him how sorry I was. Because right now, all I needed was this, giving him what I should’ve done in the first place—the love of a father.
I had no idea how long we stood there. When he finally stepped back, his eyes rimmed in the color of pain, crinkled at the corners in a slight smile.
“Ironically, two days before I brought my girlfriend home to meet you, I told you I wish I could give you what you desired. What you truly deserved. The feelings of the real, non-negotiable, unconditional love of a woman.” He sighed. “I’m giving you that, dad.”
“Rayden—” Again, he held up a hand, blocking my words. “You have my blessings.”
And this time, I found the words I needed most. “I can’t, son. I have lost the right to ask for your forgiveness and I can’t expect you to. But, Sia—” I choked on the name. “She can never be mine, even if she isn’t yours.”
He took a step back, walked to the window and stared out. “Do you love her?” he asked without looking at me.
Yes. I wanted to say, but I chose not to. I joined him at the window, looking but not seeing. “It isn’t important.”
“Are you saying love isn’t important, or you loving her isn’t? There’s a difference, you know.” He looked at me. “You told me not to forgo a missed opportunity and you’ve lost her once.” He exhaled with a loud breath. “Before you can convince me it isn’t important, convince your heart that it can withstand that misery again.”
The despair that had crippled me like a physical condition for the last two years seized me in its iron fist, shaking me, telling me to wake the fuck up and claim the woman I loved, repercussions be damned. Instead, I raked a frustrated hand through my hair and sighed. “It will never work, son.”
Rayden turned fully to face me. “I’m going back to Africa.”
“Why?” I didn’t keep the disappointment out of my voice.
“We need time.”
I stared down at the floor, accepting his reasoning. We did. “How long?”
“I can’t be sure.” I couldn’t push for an answer. “Dad?”
“Yes.” I looked up, meeting his gaze. The pain was still there but this time overshadowed by a glimmer. Of what? I didn’t allow myself the optimism to decide yet.
“You might’ve broken my heart. But we’re family. It will take time, but we will forgive and forget. Most importantly, we have each other. Sianna has no one. She needs you, not me. Don’t let all this pain be for nothing.”
I watched him walk out, not bothering to say goodbye because, in my heart, I knew that today was one small step for both of us. Would I be able to convince Sia that effort included her? She’d avoided my calls and I’d respected her wishes. But Rayden was right. She needed me as much as I needed her.
I reached for my phone and dialed. “Trent.”
