I was a bit shocked. “You do?”
He nodded. “I’ve just… never said it out loud to anyone. From front to back.”
My heart ached in my chest. “Oh, Gee.”
He looked down at our connection as the words poured forth. “My insomnia is what got me medically discharged from the marines. I was a Special Forces Lieutenant, and my job was to?—”
Gone was the thought of breakfast. I released his hand long enough to pick up the tray and set it on the bedside table. I sat up and took his hand within both of mine, linking our fingers together and trying to hold his hand like I’d attempt to cradle his body if he wanted me to.
“I’m listening,” I said softly with a tilt of my head.
Even beneath the mask, I heard him swallow. “There was an attack while I was deployed.” I stayed silent, giving him space to pause and continue as he needed. “On this particular deployment, I was in charge of the night shift when it came to guarding the gates. We were on this sort of miniature marine installation, so we still had a lot of vulnerabilities that we had to clock on a regular basis. What we couldn’t fortify to the best of our abilities, we set up cameras around. And I watched those cameras on the night shift in what was essentially a bomb-blast bunker.”
I just nodded, but I couldn’t help but to see the similarities between what he described and the televisions over his shoulder that were mounted to the wall in the corner of his room.
He mindlessly gravitated to the bed, crawling in with me, and I held the blanket up for him. He slithered in beside me, his arm wrapping around my waist and pulling me close.
I laid my head on his shoulder and drew in a deep breath.
“I fell asleep,” he said, and his voice was tighter than normal. A bit deeper. “I don’t know how. I’d slept all day that day, just like I always did to prepare for the night shift. They counted on me, Jasmine. All I had to do was stay the fuck awake.”
My lower lip quivered and I chewed on it.
Now wasn’t the time for my emotions.
“Before I knew it, I was awoken to the sounds of my men screaming at me,” he said, his voice a bit choked off.
“Gee,” I whispered as I placed a mindless kiss on his shoulder.
“They screamed for help,” he said, staring off at the wall. “Screaming for me. Screaming for—for their mothers.”
I closed my eyes as a tear slid down my cheek. “I’m so sorry.”
He drew in a stuttered breath. “It was mayhem. They’d bombed the gate, and that was all it took to storm forth because I wasn’t awake enough to press the button for the fucking sirens. The enemy already raided our encampment by the time the commotion woke me up.”
I laced our fingers together and realized his hand shaking.
Fucking trembling.
I squeezed his hand as hard as I could, and he squeezed right back.
“It’s okay, I’m right here,” I whispered softly.
He sniffled. “Men died in my arms that day. Men crying for their mothers. Men yelling out for me, asking me where the hell I had been. And I… blacked out. I don’t remember anything after that second soldier died in my arms. He apologized to me, can you believe that? I fell asleep and got him killed, and he apologized to me.”
“Gee, it wasn’t?—”
“I left no one standing,” he growled. “That was their punishment for taking my men from me.”
I just nuzzled against his shoulder because I knew there was nothing I could say.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered softly.
He sniffled before he dropped a masked kiss to the top of my head. “I don’t sleep. I can’t sleep. I don’t deserve the sleep, and my body apparently thought so as well.”
I didn’t bother arguing, I knew it was no use. He just needed someone to listen to him. He needed someone to sympathize with him.
“I’ve got you,” I whispered as I squeezed his hand.
