“Because there’s blame to lay, Dean! That’s why! You have shit you need to own up to because you left me high and fucking dry!”
I placed my hands on her shoulders. “I’m so sorry for how things ended with us. I’m so fucking sorry for being the coward that I was and taking some bullshit op that kept me away for so long.”
She swatted my touch away. “I don’t want to hear your stupid apologies. They’re useless, anyway.”
She turned her back to me and the second I heard her sniffle; it broke my heart. I walked up to her and tried placing my hands on her shoulders again, but she slipped away and crossed the room. It killed me, seeing her like that. All I wanted was to protect her, but she was still in so much pain and had no answers to what happened between us.
So, I launched into what happened.
“Remember the day we were talking, and my base got bombed?” I asked.
She kept her back to me. “Of course, I do.”
I drew in a deep breath. “Turns out that we weren’t bombed. There had been a suicide bomber that made her way through the gates in the form of an on-base worker. Over there, many people from their communities are employed on our bases in the hopes of resolving city-wide tensions so that we can move freely within the confines of their city limits. A woman came in, walked right over to the daycare, walked inside, and blew herself sky-high.”
She peered over her shoulder. “The daycare?”
Memories flooded back as I locked my eyes with the wall. “Body parts flew everywhere. Brain matter from children as young as three splattered onto the sand and tiny little fingers battered against windows. It was absolute chaos.”
She turned around. “Why did you just drop off? What happened?”
I closed my eyes and balled my fists up at my sides. “I was consumed by my anger. I was so fucking fed up with the needless killing. I had been put on clean-up duty so that those who had lost their children had something to bury, and as each day passed by, I only grew angrier. It honestly scared me, Lexi. It’s the only time in my life where I understood murderers and why they do what they do.”
“Jesus, Dean.”
I drew in a sobering breath. “My commander pulled me into his office one day and told me I needed to get my anger in check. I was snapping at people and talking back to my superiors. It was rough.”
“I can only imagine.”
I slowly opened my eyes and found her standing only inches in front of me. “Then, he offered me something I didn’t expect. He offered me a chance to be on a specialized team that would backtrack where this woman came from and annihilate the inner-city group that groomed her. But the only catch was that until the op was finished, we couldn't come home. There was to be no contact with our families and our loved ones for fear of retaliation back home.”
She shook her head. “There was no one that could get me word?”
I scoffed. “When you’re dealing with top-secret missions like that, no one knows. I shouldn’t even be telling you all of this. If anyone found out--especially the wrong people--I’d still be eligible to be brought up on military charges of espionage and treason.”
Her eyes searched mine. “You’re telling the truth, aren’t you?”
I didn’t know what possessed me to do it, but I reached up and cupped her cheek. And when she didn’t shrug off my touch, I allowed my thumb to caress her skin.
Her soft, milky white skin that didn’t have a single blemish on it.
“I’d never lie about something like this,” I murmured. “And I’m sorry that I said yes. I should have said no, and then I should’ve come home and dealt with it through therapy. I shouldn't have taken an assignment that left you high and dry. But I was so angry, and I couldn’t even see straight, let alone think straight, and by the time the op was finally over almost two years had passed and I had no idea if you even wanted to hear from me again, let alone see me.”
Her eyes welled with tears. “I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. Did you at least find the cell?”
I nodded. “And we wiped them out. Every single one of them. Men, women, even children that looked of-age were completely obliterated. And it fucked me up for a long time. I still see their faces sometimes. The shock, and the horror in their eyes before the guys I kept alive plugged them with bullets. I trained hard so that I could bring up the rear and medically service them if they got hit, but those children…”
She nuzzled against my palm. “You were just following orders, Dean.”
I clenched my jaw. “I don’t care if they were 18 or 28. They were still just kids. Young adults who didn’t know any better.”
“Sh-sh-sh-sh,” she said softly.
She threaded her arms around my neck, and I caved. I sank into her and let the tears I refused to cry after all these years flow down my face. She kissed the shell of my ear, a tactic she always used whenever I got so worked up over something. It calmed me instantly, and before I knew it my heart took the reins.
“I never stopped caring for you, Lexi,” I whispered. “I never stopped loving you. I never stopped dreaming of you, of having a second chance. You were my everything, and I lost you because I put something else over you, and I’m so fucking sorry. But I love you, Lexi. That’s why I intervened the other night. I’ve never stopped caring about you, and the second that man wrapped his hand around your throat all I saw was red.”
She pulled out just enough to gaze into my eyes, and I could’ve sworn I saw her lips ticking with the shadow of a grin. “You always know how to pull me back in, you know that?”
