I pulled his face closer, pressed my body closer. I felt a peace I hadn’t felt since the last time I was in his arms. His lips brushed my forehead, then each of my cheeks. Once, twice, so soft, so sweet. But I wanted more. I wanted to keep this feeling. In this moment, I wanted it all back.
“I’m not going to kiss you yet, Lily. Because when I do, it will change everything, and you’re not ready yet. And I’m not sure I am either.” He put me down. “Let’s get you home.”
He held my hand for the entire drive. Relief and a sense that I was finally, trulyhomefilled my heart. He pulled into the driveway and turned to me with a smile. We might not be where we were when he left me. But we had started as friends, and I knew for certain we got that back tonight.
“Thank you for taking me home, Luke.”
He grinned. “Stay there. I’ll walk you in.” He got out and opened my door. Old Luke was back. Maybe he had been back, and I was just now allowing myself to notice him. He took my hand and led me to the door.
My dad woke with a start when I opened the front door. “Lily. And Luke.” He seemed surprised but pleased to see Luke. “Both kids are out. Calla has been asleep the whole time. That would be a record, right?” I nodded. “Well, then, it looks like my work here is done. Night, Lily-girl. Good night, Luke.” He kissed my cheek, then patted Luke on the shoulder as he walked out.
“Can I check on the kids? Maybe tuck Dylan in?” he asked.
I nodded and my heart melted a little bit. But a gooey heart led to a gooey mind, and I reminded myself to be careful.
He took off up the stairs after unleashing another grin on me.
After kicking off my shoes, I headed to the kitchen for a drink. Calla’s cries from the baby monitor cemented into my mind my internal warning to be careful and not rush back into love with Luke. But I found myself wavering again when his voice came through the monitor to join the sounds of her fussing.
“Hey, little princess, can’t sleep anymore?”
Tears filled my eyes, and I gulped down some of my water to stop them from falling. My imagination filled with imagesof him using that voice on Dylan as a baby and the tears fell freely despite my efforts to make them stop.
“You’re a pretty little thing, aren’t you? Beautiful, just like your mama. Are you hungry?” Calla let out a dainty burp and Luke chuckled. “You burp like her, all cute and quiet, like you’re trying to keep it a secret.”
I laughed through my tears as I headed upstairs to feed her, wiping my cheeks on the way. My heart was so warm it was almost on fire. I peeked in the room before I entered because I had to steal a glimpse of what it would have looked like for Luke to be holding our baby like this. I’d imagined so many times after I had Dylan what it would have been like if we’d been a real family. This was as close as I would get to being able to see it. I stood in the doorway unable to process the emotions that ran through me, burning a path straight to my heart like wildfire. Luke cradled Calla against his broad chest, gently rubbing her back.
I wanted to freeze this moment so I could remember it forever. I also wanted to escape it. My two lives had collided in such a way that I was euphoric at the sight of Luke holding Calla and stricken with guilt that Will had died for me to have it. Accepting there was nothing I could do about it even if I’d wanted to, I stopped trying to reconcile my conflicting feelings and entered the room.
“I think she needs to eat,” I whispered. When I met Luke’s eyes I froze at the anguish in his expression.
“God, Lily, I’m so sorry.”
Overwhelmed, I couldn’t hold back the sob that escaped. Luke passed Calla to me as I sat in the rocking chair in the corner. I pulled down my shirt, unhooked my nursing bra, and brought her to my breast.
Luke watched me intently. Not in a sexual way, but in a way that let me know that he was seeing everything he’d missed out on. Little moments, things that lucky people took for granted that really meant everything. Sorrowsuffused his expression. “Will this always be between us?” he asked as he stood in the doorway, half in and half out of the room. Why did I feel like he wanted to get away?
“I don’t think so. It’s all new, and we’re moving fast. There will always be new memories to make, Luke.” I was struck by how similar this was to the conversation I’d had with Dylan the other day. I wished I believed it. Maybe I could—if this cloud of sorrow ever went away.
As if he could sense my doubts, he said, “Lily, I’m going home. Sweet dreams. I’ll let myself out.”
Chapter 13
Luke
Irushed down the stairs and out of the front door, locking it behind me. I had to get out of there before Lily saw me break down. I had no right to be this upset. I’d chosen this. I’d missed her pregnancy and Dylan’s birth. I had never seen Dylan as a baby. I’d been there for none of it, all because of my stupid choices. As I turned from the door, I saw Ben leaning against the side of his truck still parked in the driveway.
“I thought I’d wait for you and make sure you’re okay.” He studied my face. “I knew it would hit you.”
I blinked a few times, not wanting to cry in front of him. I didn’t want to cry at all, but grief for the past I’d lost burned a hole in my heart. I pressed my palms into my eyes and nodded. I got a grip on myself and met his eyes. “How do I fix this, Ben?”
“Do what you’ve been doing. Be there for them and don’t leave. There will be times like this that will burn, but you power through them because better things await. There is no way to go back in this life, Luke. You can only go forward. And maybe next time, you talk to Lily about this instead of me.” He gave me a look. “Not that it’s wrong to talk to me,but you two need to communicate. Honesty is the key. I always say it. Occasionally, it sinks in.” He grinned and slapped me on the shoulder before pulling me in for a quick hug. “I’m glad you’re back, Luke. I’ve told you that and I meant it. Go home and get some rest. Back at it tomorrow, okay?”
I nodded, and he got into his truck and took off.
I crossed the driveway to my own truck and got inside. I looked up at the lights in the windows and wished with my whole heart that I was in there, participating in it, living it. Instead of sitting outside in the dark. I started the truck and pulled away.
“It should have been you, Luke.”
