“Not like you have always loved Luke,” she finished for me.
“Yeah,” I whispered.
She reached out and brushed the tears from my cheeks. “Honey, we all love Will. But he wasn’t Luke. Luke is theonefor you. He was your first love, your first everything. Diana and I used to dream of you two getting married.” She smiled sadly as she remembered her best friend who died in a car accident when Luke was eight. “Even as babies, you gravitated toward each other. You have an identical twin sister, and sometimes it seemed like you were closer to Luke than to Rose.”
“This is just too much. I didn’t expect to feel this way. I shouldn’t have gone over there so soon.” I shook my head to clear it. “I’m done with being upset. I’m just going to quit thinking about it.”
“You have to talk about it, Lily. You can’t just stop thinking about things.” She was incredulous. My mom was a thinker, an analyzer, and a problem solver. I tended to ignore things until they slapped me in the face.
“Why? I have more important things to focus on.” I pulled out of her arms.
“Like what?” I could feel a lecture coming on, and I didn’t want to hear it.
“My kids, for one. Getting settled at Gram’s house, working with Violet, my job at the school when it starts in the fall, being on my own with two kids.” I shrugged. “Take your pick.”
“You are not on your own. You have me, you have Daddy, you have brothers and sisters who will help you whenever youneed it. Even Levi and Jude will help. Those two jokers helped you today by driving your stuff down. See? We’re all here for you,” she pointed out. I knew they would help me whenever I needed it, but I wanted to feel like I could handle my life on my own for once.
I hesitated, looking for the right words so as not to offend my well-meaning mother. “I’m a grown woman. I’m a mom. I need to be able to do this on my own.”
“Once upon a time, you were my responsibility. One day you’ll see that a mother never lets that go. I am overjoyed that you’re back home and I am finally able to be there when you need me. And Lily, you need me. Let go of this tight leash you have put yourself on.”
“What if I let go and I fall apart?” I choked out. Talking through the lump in my throat hurt. I had to end this conversation before I turned into a blubbering mess.
“Then I will be here to help you put yourself back together.”
“I’ve never been on my own. I’m talking about true independence. Being an adult. Not a child. Not a girlfriend. Not a fiancée. Not a wife. Just Lily.”
“You are already strong and independent. Standing on your own does not mean you have to actuallybealone,” she insisted.
“You want me to be your child and I need to be a grown-up. Do you understand? Please understand.” Right when Mom was about to answer, Violet walked in. She always did have perfect timing.
“Rose is hogging Calla. She won’t let me hold her.” Violet pouted and threw herself down next to me. “How’re you doing, Lily?” she asked as she rested her head on my shoulder.
“I’m fine. Did I miss dinner? Or is everyone grazing tonight?” I asked.
“Since you pulled a disappearing act, we’ve been grazing. Gram ate early, of course, and she’s left already. I mean, it’sseven o’clock.Jeopardyisn’t going to watch itself, is it? She’ll see you another time.”
Gram had started having trouble taking care of her house and the huge yard by herself, so Mom insisted she move into the garage apartment to be closer. It worked out for me too, as it gave me a place to stay. Dad had cleared out one of the bedrooms in her house and put Calla’s new crib together. Mom had redecorated one of the other bedrooms for Dylan and probably decorated Calla’s new nursery as well. Levi and Jude had driven all the boxes of our clothes, books, and toys down today.
We’d all left at the same time, but they drove at single-man-in-a-car speed, and I drove at mom-with-kids speed, so they got here first and unloaded my stuff for me. Thanks to my family, when we left after dinner, we could just go to Gram’s and get into bed. With that thought came the realization I had a lot of work to do to be completely independent. My family had done too much for me. I sighed in frustration, contemplating how to make them understand what I needed when I wasn’t even sure how to explain it to myself.
I had no idea. So I ended the conversation instead. “I’m starving. Let’s go eat.”
“Okay, Lily. But we aren’t finished talking about this,” Mom said with audible impatience.
“Oh, I interrupted something heavy. You’re welcome.” Violet laughed as we headed down the stairs then through the great room toward the kitchen. Rose was at the counter attempting to make something.
“I smell cinnamon. What are you making, Rose? And where is my baby?” I sat on one of the barstools at the massive butcher-block island counter in my mother’s kitchen. There were all sorts of hors d’oeuvres set up for everybody to munch on. My mother loved to entertain.
“Apple crumble, and Dad stole her. She went willingly though, the little traitor. Dylan is playing catch in the yardwith Mark and Mara, Finn and Nick, and the brothers.” Violet took off, probably to try to steal Calla from Dad. Calla was adorable, but this was getting ridiculous.
“Where are the apples, Rose?” I saw nothing but crumble, nary an apple to be seen.
“I can sense your judgment.” She glanced at me with a smirk. “I am doubling the crumble because it’s the best part, and I halved the apple portion because I’m not in the mood to be healthy. I have ice cream to go with it. We can talk and eat, and you can tell me all about the drive down. I’ve missed you, little sister.” She opened the oven and shoved the apple crumble in.
“Rose, I am ten minutes younger than you are. Get over the little sister stuff already.” I laughed as Dylan ran up to me and handed me my phone. Rose snatched him around his waist and swung him up in a huge hug.
“Your phone rang, but no one talked when I answered,” he said, laughing as Rose blew raspberries into his neck. She put him down, and off he went back outside.
