“I just need time.” I found myself saying the same words Avery used on me earlier, and as much as I hated that we all needed time, I understood it, even if it left my heart broken in thirds.
“Have you answered him yet, babe?”Andi ran her fingers through my hair, bringing me the type of ease I’d been chasing for days.
As I lay in her lap, I shook my head against her legs, staring at a movie that was on the TV screen. I couldn’t tell you which movie it was or what it was about, but knowing Peyton, it was most likely a rom com that she’d hoped would make me laugh and miraculously pop out of my gloomy mood.
Since I had no desire to go out to the bars, a quiet night in with a movie, pajamas, and Ben & Jerry’s was the only answer.
“Look, you can stay here as long as you’d like. I think I speak for both of us when I say, we love you to pieces. But don’t you think you should put the poor man out of his misery?” Peyton’s voice dipped into a low whisper, clearly hesitant to speak about the situation.
Peyton had been betting on me and Spencer since day one. She made it clear that she would be here for me no matter what decision I made, but I know while she rooted for us, she also understood how impossible this situation felt.
When I left Spencer’s a few weeks ago, I immediately came here. My best friends were also roommates and didn’t hesitate when I asked them if I could crash on their couch. The last place I wanted to go was back to Ol’ Red. Spencer and Jax would be able to find me there, and I wasn’t ready to confront any of it just yet.
Lifting my head from Andi’s lap, I sat up and crossed my legs. With a heavy sigh, I responded to Peyton.
“Every time a text or call comes in from him, I want to answer. But when I think about what to say, my mind goes blank.” My head dropped in defeat.
“Here, spin around and look at me.” Andi twirled her finger, gesturing for me to turn around and face her. “Now, pretend I’m Spencer. What would you say to him?”
She sat with her hands on her knees, mimicking the same position I sat in.
Lifting an eyebrow, I said, “You really think this is going to work?”
“Yeah, to be fair, you’re a hot as hell redhead. Nothing about you screams, Italian Stallion,” Peyton added her two cents.
Andi deepened her voice, challenging me. “Avery, baby, I miss you. Talk to me.”
Her role play wasn’t going to work. I couldn’t take her seriously in the slightest. But it did make me laugh, and it wasn’t just a light giggle. A full-on belly laugh erupted from my stomach, and it was so contagious, even my girls joined in, filling the small apartment with our laughter bouncing off the walls.
It felt good to show an emotion that wasn’t sad, depressed, or detached. For the first time in weeks, I was laughing with my best friends over the dumbest thing, and it felt fuckinggood. I felt … human.
After the laughter died down, and we sat in smiles and silence, I finally felt like I could think with a clear head.
“I think it’s hard for me to talk to Spencer right now because in my mind, I’ve always separated the two. Jax was my past. Everything I went through with him changed me. It led me to Spencer. And Spencer pulled me from the trenches, showing me I could be happy. That it was possible to find someone to treat me like I should be treated.” I sighed, pulling my knees into my chest.
“They were always supposed to be separate parts of my life. My past, my present, and my hopeful future. But they are father and son, and it would make me the shittiest person alive to ask Spencer to choose me. How could I possibly live with the man I loved if it meant the worst thing that’s ever happened to me would be haunting me for the rest of my life?”
“I get it. It’s a complicated situation that you never thought you’d be in. I mean, what are the fucking odds? Who would’ve thought that the first man you fall for post-breakup ends up being the father of your ex-boyfriend?” Andi sighed and Peyton gave her a glaring look.
At this point, it was like watching the roulette table, and with every spin of the wheel the ball would land on black for ten consecutive spins. With my luck, I’d finally put money on the table, and the ball would jump into a red slot, completely fucking me over.
“Yeah.” I exhaled a pent-up breath.
“I know you need time, and it seems impossible, but maybe just try talking to him. Start small. Ask him how he is doing and let him lead the conversation.” Peyton shrugged.
It had been days. Three torturous weeks to be exact. And even though the ball was in my court, and it was my choice whether I wanted to talk to Spencer or not, it still broke my heart that we had this distance between us. Every text that I left unanswered, I wondered what he was doing. I wondered what it would feel like to be lying in his bed next to him, safely wrappedup in his arms. I wondered where he and Jax had left off. I wondered if we would ever be strong enough to get through this.
My heart ached when I thought about the way that I’d left him. How I walked out of his penthouse without turning back. How I let him kiss me knowing it could be our last.
“Yeah, maybe tomorrow will be the day,” I finally answered.
“It’s getting late anyways, so why don’t we leave you out here to your spacious room that is our living room, and you can get some rest?” Andi got up from her corner of the couch, blew a kiss at me, and headed for her bedroom. Peyton followed shortly behind her.
“Love you guys.”
“Love you, bitch.” Andi tossed a wink over her shoulder.
“Love you, girl, always.” Peyton shot me a sad smile.
