Tristram/Doug—or maybe just Doug now—looked down at himself and sighed. “Yeah, okay,” he said, now sounding totally American and relieved about it. “Hey, I’m Doug.”
We rose up, and the car plunged forward. I gripped the seat, reminding myself to breathe. Even though I still didn’t like it, it felt a little easier this time. After all, I’d done it once before and had made it through. I knew I could do it again.
“Cass,” Nora said. “I can’t believe you’re here—”
“I know.” I was about to continue on?, when we suddenly plunged backward, and I ?was not quite able to stop myself from yelling?, “AGH!”
“You okay?” Doug asked. “It doesn’t seem like you like this very much.”
“I really don’t,” I said through clenched teeth.
“Then why are you here?”
“Because I need to make amends.” The car stopped rising, and we swung back and forth for a moment, hanging in the air—and I felt the same way, too, like I was suspended between who I’d been and who I was trying to become.
And if I wanted to change, I just had to keep going.
I took a breath to begin, but it was Doug who leaned forward to talk to me. “You said we’d kind of met,” he said, his brow furrowed. “What does that mean? And who told you about me being American? We’d worked so hard to keep it under wraps.”
“Why aren’t you allowed to be American?” Greta asked, sounding like she was curious almost against her will.
“Because I’m in a band,” he said, sounding resigned. “And we’re all supposed to be, like, from a British prep school?” He shrugged. “I’m kind of getting over it, actually.”
“You are?” I asked. In all my time with the band, I hadn’t heard this.
“Yeah. I mean, I’d prefer to play music I’d actually listen to. It’s a good gig, but you can only pretend to be British for so long.”
The car rose up again and we started swinging forward. I ?took in a big breath, then let it out slowly, reminding myself I could handle this.
“I just can’t get over the fact that you’re here, Cass,” Greta said.
“We really didn’t think we’d ever see you again,” Nora said, folding her arms across her chest.
“I know.” I took a deep breath and faced the girls who’d once been my good friends. “I’m so sorry,” I said, looking at both of them. “I shouldn’t have just left like that—and then not stayed in touch. And I should have let you know that I was leaving, and that I wouldn’t be on the team the next year. I didn’t understand that it messed up your bowl chances.”
“Bowl chances?” Doug asked, his eyes wide. “Do you guys—play football?”
“Academic quiz bowl,” Greta, Nora, and I all said at the same time.
“Oh,” Doug said, nodding. “That makes more sense.”
“I feel awful,” I said. And I wasn’t just referring to my stomach, which was swooping around as we descended, about to take another loop around. “I promise, the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt either of you. Because that time in Arizona—it was one of the best years ever. And that was because of you two.”
Greta and Nora exchanged a look, and I could see they were both taken aback. Whatever they’d expected from me—it wasn’t this. “Well,” Nora finally said, her voice coming out hesitant. “Thank you for ?saying that.”
We rode in silence for a moment, Doug looking around at all of us like he was trying to figure out what was going on.
“It’s not like it makes up for what you did though,” Greta said. But she didn’t sound furious, not like the first time we’d been on this ride together.
I let out a long, shaky breath. “I know that.” It had been the hardest thing to accept about this loop. That I could have all the chances in the world to do things differently during this one night—but all the mistakes I’d made before it were unchangeable, etched in stone. And just pretending they didn’t exist—leaving every new town and trying to move on, never looking back—had only led to pain, on all sides.
I couldn’t go back. But I could do better, moving forward.
“Wait, ?I have a question,” Doug ?said. He leaned back, which caused the car to swing wildly.
I closed my eyes, trying to get my stomach to settle.
“Don’t do that,” I heard Nora say. “I don’t think Cass likes it.”
