I’ll wait here,she reasoned.I’ll wait here for my shadow.
Waiting.Godot.Godotis a classic.
AJ let her things fall to the floor.
It wasn’t over. As long as she stayed here, the scene was still in play.
As long as she stayed here, time would stand still.
We can’t all be touched by the hand of greatness.
We should talk.
No.
AJ had held back nothing, so she had nothing left to hold on to. Her breaths were shallow. She was slipping, sliding down a smooth, dark shaft.
She grasped for some brighter day in her future, but found that she no longer believed in such a time. The dream of that full life was already over—it had been Noah all along. He had been her normal. And now normal was gone.
She’d go back to her apartment. Clean the place up. Rearrange the furniture. Throw it all out and start new. But she’d still see him standing in the sunlight, still feel his echo opening the cabinets.
This is a bachelor pad.
She’d go to Gladstone. But there too, he’d woven into the fabric of her life like smoke.
I’m happy for you guys.
Before, there had been safe houses. Now he had been inside every space, every relationship. There was nowhere she could hide from the loss of him.
AJ was on her knees now, her breaths scattering dust across the floor.
She would see him again, of course. Once or twice a year, polished and distant and bright on the silver screen.
Until the year she didn’t. Then, there would be nothing to do but make guesses and keep her distant vigil. But that was no change, really. Part of AJ had never left that room in Santa Monica where Noah had told her of his fate. Part of her was forever sitting there, waiting.
I always know where you are.
AJ was tired. She had never been so tired, and her apartment was so far. So many streets to cross between here and there, so many bike lanes. The subways were still running, those screeching steel cages that blurred up to the platform fast enough to knock a person down.
I fucking love you more than life.
Noah had been her life. From this point forward, she would always be looking back. She might have many years of this. She did not want a single one.
It’s all part of the plan.
Perhaps it was time for AJ to make a plan of her own.
The thought filled her with immediate relief.Yes.Why had she fought so hard against this? It was too bad they were never going to speak again—she wouldn’t have the chance to tell Noah how wrong she’d been. So wrong to argue so hard against certainty. Against painlessness.
Noah had been totally and completely right.
We need to go our separate ways. Permanently.
AJ was on her feet now, full of purpose.
She slung her bag over her shoulder and felt for her keys. The exit sign glowed red through the wings. She started walking toward it.
It was time to end this scene.
