“You said it yourself,” said AJ, toeing the edge of the streetlamp’s halo. “I never had the guts to go for what I want. What Ireallywant.”
Noah’s eyes were full. “Maybe you’re feeling confused,” he said calmly. “There’s a lot of history, and that last question was…And the footage. Brian is—”
“He’s not you,” said AJ. The words were out in one nauseating surge of heat.
Noah’s face went blank. A long moment passed. Then his hands balled into fists at his sides. “AJ,” he said softly. “Please don’t do this.”
“Why not?” said AJ, peering up at him.
Noah blinked. “Youknowwhy.”
AJ’s heart clanged in alarm. “Because of Allison?” she asked before she could stop herself.
At that moment, AJ realized she had never truly disappointed Noah before. The way his whole forehead shifted back, his jaw clenched. It made her feel about a foot tall.
“You just couldn’t do it, could you?” he said reproachfully.
AJ blinked. “Do what?” He was avoiding the question. “That’s not an answer.”
Noah’s eyes were joyless. “Please don’t make me hurt you.” His voice was a hush.
AJ felt ill. “Do you love her?” she asked bluntly.
Noah didn’t respond right away. He glanced toward the chapel, where Eudora was waiting. AJ watched him take a deep breath. At length, he said, “Very much.”
Pain clean as a pen line slashed across AJ’s abdomen, efflorescing through her chest like ink.
AJ nodded numbly.Yes.It had happened. He’d truly fallen for someone else, someone who had made him forget everything he thought his life had to be. Someone he was willing to try for.
No.A latent rush of disbelief welled up. “So all this,” she said. “All the cons—Risa told me they were your idea.”
Noah stared at his feet, his cheeks coloring slightly. “Fine.” He looked up. “I felt sorry for you. I know how mercenary Simmons isand…I wanted to help. As a friend. And if I’m being honest, part of me felt like this might…I don’t know. Make up for leaving all those years ago.”
AJ could not have felt more exposed if she had actually been standing before him naked.
“I can see now I confused things,” he went on. “I’m sorry. I’ll steer clear moving forward.”
AJ held his gaze, not because she was brave, but because she was afraid that if she looked down, she would not be able to keep the tears in her eyes.
“It’s my fault,” she said, marshaling the remaining scraps of her dignity. “You did help, and I’m…Thank you. And I’m—I’m glad for you. To have someone. You deserve to be happy.”
Noah nodded, glancing past her to the parking area. “Same,” he said. He clutched the car keys. “I should—”
“Yes, absolutely,” said AJ. She gave him a quick smile and took out her phone. She held her breath as he left, staring at the shape of Brian’s good luck text through a lens of tears. Then she blinked them back.
Grief could be a nebulous abyss or a hand through a glass door. This would not be an abyss. AJ would not cry. She returned Brian’s text with three of her own and joined the reception.
A week later, AJ’s payment for Blue Con arrived, for $240,000, twice the amount Molly Magnusson had negotiated. When AJ called Otto, he confirmed that Noah had asked that his fee be sent to her. AJ thanked him and hung up the phone.
In the end, she didn’t fight it. She needed the money, and Noah didn’t. Arguing would only serve to make Noah think she was trying to prolong contact with him. And she wasn’t.
For the first time in twelve years, when AJ looked down the dark, unlived expanse of her life, she did not see his star on the horizon.
Part IV
Fire & Water
Seeds contain cyanide. Laughter is a gasp. Beginnings and endings are born at once.
