My hands shake uncontrollably. My thighs ache, begging for destruction. My chest tightens like a vise, squeezing it. I manage to get out, "I can't."
"You can't what?" Demi asks, kneeling in front of me.
"Do this."
"Do what?"
Tears fall from my eyes. I bury my face in the pillow again.
Demi stays close. "Red's coming."
The word coming does something to me. Grounds me and unravels me at the same time.
What if he gets here, sees this, and decides I'm too much?
The buzzing peaks so hard, I stand abruptly and start pacing.
"Blue," Demi says carefully.
"I can't be like this," I snap. "I can't keep costing people this much."
"You're not costing anyone anything."
Red rushes through the door. He moves quickly to my side. "Bluebird."
My tears pour out faster.
He rapidly scans me.
My body shakes so hard, my knees buckle.
He steps closer, catches me, and puts a firm hand on my shoulder, ordering, "Blue. Look at me."
I blink several times.
"I'm here. Stay with me."
I completely lose it. I sob into his chest, the fabric of his shirt muffling the raw, ugly sounds escaping me. His arms wrap around my body like a vise, holding me upright.
The world narrows to the scent of his clean soap, faint cologne, and that underlying warmth that's always been my anchor. But even that can't drown out the storm inside.
Faintly, through the haze of my breakdown, I hear his voice. "Demi, you can go. I've got her."
There's a pause, then a shuffle of feet. Demi's voice comes out hesitant, "Call me if you need anything. Both of you."
The door clicks shut behind her, leaving just us in the echoing silence of the condo. Red holds me, one hand stroking my hair in slow, deliberate motions, as if he's coaxing the chaos out of me drop by drop.
But it's not working. The buzzing under my skin has turned into a roar, a relentless demand for release. I need pain, something to cut through the shame and the ache in my chest.
"Red," I whisper, my voice breaking. "Please...let me feel pain. I need it."
He pulls back just enough to look at me, his dark eyes searching mine. Concern etches deep into his features. "Bluebird, talk to me. What's going on?"
The words tumble out in a rush, laced with tears. "My dad came over. He was so angry and disappointed. And Mom's texts...they're worried I'm not safe. With you. From myself. I ruined everything, Red. I always do this. I cost too much. You won't want me anymore. Youcan't always love someone like me, someone who...who needs this pain just to feel normal again."
His jaw tightens, but his touch remains gentle as he cups my face, his thumbs brushing away the streams of salt on my cheeks. "That's not true, Blue. I love you. That means all of you. The messy parts, the strong parts, the parts that scare you. I'm not going anywhere. You're not a cost. You're my everything."
I shake my head, the denial bubbling up like acid. "But it hurts you. Seeing me like this. I see it in your eyes. One day, it'll be too much. You'll realize I'm broken, and you deserve better. Someone who doesn't fall apart over family drama, who doesn't crave...this." I wince as the urge surges sharper than before, twisting in my gut like a knife.
