He looks up at the ceiling a moment, then back at me. In a calmer voice, he claims, "Your mother is beside herself. I'm beside myself. We love you, Blue."
"No one is debating that," I offer.
"Then why are you shutting me out right now?" he questions.
I sigh and grip the side of the door, suddenly exhausted. "Dad, I love Red. It's not going to change. And he loves me. I'm better with him. I'm a mess without him. I need you and Mom to understand that and until you do, I can't deal with this...this fury of yours."
"Fury of mine?" he questions.
"Yes. I physically can't handle it. So let's talk later, okay?"
A moment passes with tension growing. Then he turns and walks away.
When I shut the door, my hands tremble.
Demi watches me carefully. She says gently, "Hey. You did good."
My laugh comes out short and brittle. "I feel like I just committed a crime."
She steps closer. "You enforced a boundary."
My chest tightens. "He looked at me like I was—" I can't finish the sentence.
"Like you disappointed him," Demi supplies softly. "Yeah. I saw."
Her admission makes it worse.
She claims, "Don't worry. I'm in the disappointment boat, and I'm sure I'm going to hear about it from my dad too."
I sink onto the couch, suddenly exhausted, like all my energy drained out the moment he left. My phone buzzes on the table, but I don't pick it up.
Demi sits beside me again, close but not touching. "You want to talk about it?"
I stare at the TV screen. "Not yet."
My skin still buzzes. My chest aches. Beneath it all, something darker stirs. It's an old, familiar urge curling at the edges of my thoughts. I press my palms into my thighs, grounding myself, breathing as Red taught me, but it won't disappear.
It's not a surprise. It never just disappears. It waits until I'm alone and then it breathes destruction into me.
My phone buzzes again. I stare at it like it's a living thing. Like if I don't look directly at it, it can't hurt me. But Dad was here, so that means Mom is next.
Demi exhales slowly beside me. "You going to check that?"
I shake my head.
It buzzes again. Then again. The third vibration scrapes across my nerves.
"Blue?" Demi asks.
"I know." My voice sounds thin. I finally reach for it, and my chest tightens.
Mom: Can we talk?
Mom: Your dad and I love you.
Mom: Are you safe?
That last one makes my throat close. My brain latches onto the word and twists it.
