“But the result is the same.” I pull out of her grasp, frustrated that she’s ignoring the most important part of it. “Those three are still dead, and they wouldn’t be if it weren’t for me.”
At that, she nods, and I feel like I’m getting through to her.
“That may be true, but that person in the cage, that…thing, it wasn’t you, and I don’t care if you agree with me or not. You’re not without flaws, okay? I’ll admit that, but you were clearly someone else when you did that, and you’re in no way that same person today. I know your secret now. I watched the video with my own eyes, and I don’t love you any less.”
“How?” I demand. “How?”
“If anything, I love you even more.”
“This is lunacy.”
“Nope,” she says, pressing a kiss to my palm. “It’s love.”
“Ugh.” I roll my eyes. “I won’t let you do this. You can’t forgive me.”
She laughs. “Oops, too late. I already did.”
Then she runs her fingers through my hair, and selfish monster that I am, I lean into her touch when I know the right thing to do is pull away.
“Listen, I’m not trying to make light of their deaths. It’s incredibly tragic, and it shouldn’t have happened. Nothing could ever make up for that loss.”
“Finally, you see sense.”
“But would you like to know why it was so easy to forgive you?”
I let out an exasperated sigh. “Why?”
“Because no amount of jail time, torture, or even an eternity in hell will punish you as much as you continue to punish yourself, and likely will until your time on this mortal plane is over. And even then, it won’t bring those three back to life. That’syour burden to carry, but from where I’m sitting, I see a man trying to learn and grow and do better every single day. You take every opportunity to help your community. You’re a loyal friend, and a wonderful, generous partner.” She pauses, holding me in her gaze. “Whoever that guy in the cage was, he’s gone. You need to let him go.”
My voice cracks as I ask, “How?”
“For starters, you can start leaning on me for help. You’re not alone in the world anymore, Nic. I can help you make sure you never lose yourself. I should probably get on a Zoom call with Dr. Yates so I can fully understand your medication, the side effects, and what to do if you run out, things like that. Also, the brain powder. I want to make sure we always have a lot of it in the house.”
I don’t know what to say, so I say nothing. Eventually, I pull Lindsay into the bed next to me and let myself fall apart in her arms. She holds me the entire time, rubbing my back and whisperingI love yousinto my ear.
When the tears subside, she asks, “So, any other secrets you’d like to share?”
I almost shake my head no, but then I remember. “Yes, actually.” I turn to face her. “You should know that I’m bisexual.”
She cackles. “No shit. Me too.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“I thought I heard Natalie tell Vyla you were straight.”
“Oh,” she replies, confused. “Natalie might not know, come to think of it. It’s not something I talk about or share on social media. But yeah, I’m as bi as a bottlenose dolphin.”
My eyebrows lift. “Bottlenose dolphin?”
“Yeah, they’re famously bisexual.”
Huh. Who’da thunk?
“Have you dated men in the past?”
I nod. “One before the change, and one during my recovery, before Dr. Yates released us. Though, both were more casual hookups than serious relationships.” It feels good to get that off my chest. I didn’t expect Lindsay to judge me for it, but you never know. Bisexual men aren’t as widely accepted as bisexual women. “What about you?” I ask. “Any secrets?”
