I don’t get up the courage until Mrs.Sinclair starts talking about minor details of the week ahead.Olive’s braid falls over her shoulder, giving me a glimpse of her slender neck, and now I can’t stop thinking about her collarbone.The scars on her shoulder.I don’t want to make a big deal of that because obsessing over perfect bodies and dumb beauty ideals and all that is total bullshit, but the story behind the scars won’t let go of me.That, and the fact that she hides them.OK, it’s fall, and I’m not one to talk.Ialways pull my cuffs way down over my wrists to cover everything.It’s totally fucked up.At this moment, Olive looks at me like she felt my eyes on her.And her face is softer.I stop hearing what the principal says, I forget that there’s even anyone else here.I sit in my seat and can’t stop looking at her.She swallows, her jaw muscles working, and all I want is to go to her, to apologize for everything.She deserves the truth, even if it’ll break her.I can’t stand it any longer.Lying all the goddamn time.And even if I know I ought to keep my distance from her, I can’t fight the attraction I still feel.A thing like that can’t just vanish overnight.I want to be close to her.I want to be the guy who makes sure she’s doing fine—not the one who does the opposite.But I can’t.I can never be that guy, not after everything that’s happened.
I feel sick as the others stream out of the hall after assembly.
Olive stands up right away and disappears into the crowd.I push my way through, muttering “Excuse me” as I go, then start to run.I don’t find her until I get outside.
“Hey.”I’m sure she hears me because I see her jump, then pick up speed.“Olive!”
“What?”she snarls, spinning around.There’s a suspicious glitter in her huge catlike eyes, and I stop abruptly.Too close to her, but she doesn’t step back.She juts her chin like she always does, but today she can’t hide how she’s feeling.And I suddenly lose the ability to speak.
I can only face her, fighting the need to take a step closer to her.And to hug her.Like I ought to have done Friday.
“I’m sorry,” I say.My voice is no more than a croak.
“Stop it,” she replies.“Just stop it.”
“No.This is truly important so let me speak.”The pain in her face makes my breath catch.“I’m sorry that I walked away,” I repeat.
“So you should be,” she whispers.
“And I...I’d take it back if I could.”
“But you can’t.”
“I know, I...”
“No, you don’t get it.”There are tears in her eyes now.“I can’t bloody deal with this.I just need to be left alone.I just want a bit of peace.Is that really too much to ask?”
“What’s happened?”I ask, because I’m suddenly certain that something must have.I definitely hurt her on Friday, but Olive is too strong for it to have knocked her sideways like this.
I’m sure I’m right when she chews her bottom lip and goes to turn away.Before I know what I’m doing, I reach for her.It’s her right shoulder, and seeing her flinch is like a punch in the guts.I let go at once.
“They’re splitting up,” she blurts before I can start apologizing again.“No, that’s not true.They split up ages ago.They just kept playing at happy family so that I wouldn’t notice.”Her voice breaks and it’s obvious who she means.But I ask anyway.God knows why.
“Your parents?”
“They’re getting a divorce,” she says, so stiffly that it frightens me.“We discussed everything over the weekend.It was dire, Colin.”
I put my arms around her.I don’t just hear her sobs, I feel them.The pain shaking her body.I hold her tight and all I can think is: Fuck.
Her parents are splitting up, her family isn’t a family anymore, and I’m the one she wants to tell.Me.After everything that’s happened.And how the fuck am I supposed to tell her what I did now?That I’m not the guy she thinks I am.That she’d never want me to hold her if she knew the truth.I should let go of her and tell her.It’s the right thing to do, because the longer I leave it, the harder it’ll be.I’ve learned that much in the last few weeks.But I can’t.
“You told your dad?”
“Yeah.I couldn’t help it.”She sniffs.“But he already knew.He...he wasn’t fazed, and I’ve spent months feeling like crap because I’ve been keeping secrets from him.”I flinch slightly and pray she doesn’t notice.“He’s met another woman.”
“Wow,” I say quietly, because I have to respond somehow.So this whole business is way more fucked up than I thought.I can see why it’s sucker punched her.Her father isn’t the innocent she took him to be.Which could actually be a good thing—nobody has to get hurt, they’re even—but obviously nobody would see it that way when it’s their own parents.Least of all Olive, who was so tortured about not telling her dad.
I should say something, something comforting, but all I can think is how not good this all is.That if I just stand here now and tell her the truth, the way I planned, I’ll tip her over the edge.
Shit, that sucks.But Olive, there’s something else...Yeah, I set my school in New York on fire, and oh, yeah, somebody died.Thought you might wanna know before you tell me anything else about your life.
So I don’t speak.I’m the world’s biggest coward, and I just can’tdo it.I want to be the one she comes to when the ground crumbles beneath her.It’s fucking selfish, but I can’t help it.I shut my eyes; I hold her tight.And then, despite knowing I’m seriously going to regret this, I make my choice.
I say nothing.
25
Olive
