Her eyes wide with panic, her body frozen.The way she stared at me.Me.The guy she kissed, in whose arms she fell asleep without knowing who I am.And what I did.
I spin around and my fist connects with the wall.Again.And again.It doesn’t help.Not in any way.
Mom’s words on the phone as she spoke to Mrs.Sinclair before she spotted me in her office doorway.
It’s not ideal, Nora, I know that.But Colin is devastated.Nothing like that will ever happen again.
I sink back onto my heels and feel for my lighter.
Back then, I thought this principal just didn’t want to have an arsonist at her fancy school.That made sense.But someone ought to have told me that she had a very good reason for her concerns.A reason that shocks me to my bones now that I know about it.
There was a fire here.I guess it was only a couple of weeks before the gym at Ainslee went up in flames in New York.How could they let this happen?How can I even be here?What made my mom think this was a good idea?How could I get close to Olive?How did I dare?If I’d known, if I’d had even the slightest hint of an idea of what had happened to her, I’d never have let things get this far between us.And neither would she.Obviously.Because I’m a fucking monster.
My throat tightens further with every passing second as I take in what all this means.Olive doesn’t have a clue what I did.Doesanyone at this goddamn school know that, or did my mother make sure the head was the only person who did?That must be it, because otherwise, how could anyone look me in the eye?
I have to get away from here.I have to get the fuck out.It’s the only way.
I pull my phone from my pocket, and I don’t give a damn if Ava Fantino’s in the studio, if she’s filming, if she’s having important conversations.She rejects the call, I try again.And again, so often that, in the end, she has to answer.
“Colin, this really isn’t a good—”
“How could you not tell me?”I cut her off without any kind of greeting.It goes quiet at the other end.“How could you send me here despite...How?How the hell?”
“Colin,” she says slowly, and now I’m madder than I’ve ever been.
“There was a fire here!”I yell.“There was a fire!People got hurt!Just tell me who the fuck you think you’re kidding!”
“That may well be, but it was an accident and nothing to do with you, Colin,” she says coolly.
I laugh mirthlessly.“Did you think nobody here would ever find out what I did?Did you really think that?”
“What does it have to do with anyone else?”
“God, Mom!”I don’t know what to do with myself.
“And the incident in New York was also an accident for which you are not to blame.”
“That’s not true and you know it!”
“Colin, you’re going to calm down and listen to me—”
“No,you’re going to listen tome,” I interrupt.“I’m not stayinghere.I can’t, for Christ’s sake.Send me somewhere else, to Switzerland, to France, I don’t care, but I’m not staying here at this school, waiting for everyone to find out what I did.”
“Dunbridge Academy is the right place for you—the head and I are in agreement on that.She will handle everything with the utmost discretion.You don’t need to worry that anyone will hear about it.”
I shut my eyes as I pace restlessly up and down.“I was there, Mom.”I hear the pleading in my voice, and I despise myself.“It’s the truth, I was there, it was—”
“Then you’ll learn from it,” she says sharply.“Our family is too important to let one little mistake destroy your future.”
“Did you ever ask yourself, even once, how I’m meant to live with this?”
“Stop being so melodramatic and move on.”
“She had kids, Mom,” I croak.“Four kids who’ve lost their mom because she wanted tohelp.”
It’s pointless.I remember my mother’s face as I sat opposite her the day after the fire.I don’t think she’s often seen me cry, but I was desperate.I was scared, didn’t know what to do.And I made the wrong choice—I went to her.
I understand, Colin.I’ll take care of it.Don’t speak to anyone until I’ve seen our lawyers.
