Of course I hate that she had the nightmare, but it’s like I can still feel her body next to mine, even though it was quite a while ago now.Her lips on mine, and now, by daylight, I’m seriously asking myself how, now that I’ve started, I’m ever going to stop kissing her.
Apparently you can see in my face that something’s changed, because once I’ve sought out my secret piano after study hour this afternoon, Cleo, who has a half day today, won’t let it go.
“No, there’s something going on with you, Col,” my kid sister says, coming closer to the camera until her face fills the whole screen.
“There’s nothing going on,” I insist, trying to sound fierce and not to let my lovesick grin give me away.
“Spill,” Cleo insists.
“What d’you want to hear next?”I try to distract her, but it’s hopeless.
“Does it have to do with that Olive?”
Shit.How is this possible?How can she see through me so easily?
“I knew it,” my sister says flatly, and I have to fight against the urge to cut off the call right away.“You like her, don’t you?”
“She’s irritating,” I say, feeling like a traitor.
“You like her,” Cleo repeats, hiding her mouth behind both hands.“Does she like you too?”
“I don’t think anyone here likes me.”But that’s not true anymore, I realize as I say the words.
“Apart from Olive?”
I groan.
“Come on, tell me!I need to know, Col.”
“Yeah, OK.Maybe she isn’t quite as irritating as she was at the start.”
Her smile broadens.“I think that’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said.”
“Don’t worry, it won’t happen again.”
Cleo ignores me.“But if you really like her—” She falls silent and looks at me with her huge brown doe-eyes.“...You’ll still try to come home as soon as you can, won’t you?”
“Yes, of course,” I promise hastily, but my voice sounds worried.Of course there’s nothing I want more than to be out of here.The fact that Olive Garden is messing with my heart doesn’t mean everything else here isn’t grim.It’s still a fucking strict boarding school in the wilderness of Scotland and can’t compare with mylife in New York.But lately I get the feeling that part of me has given in and come to terms with it.And since then...it’s somehow not so bad here.
Shit.I’m starting to like it.Not just Olive Garden, but...being a Dunbridge Academy pupil.Going to tennis with Kit and his guys, boxing, chatting at break time, sitting in the dining room, doing the morning run, going to midnight parties.Even rooming with Sinclair or strolling down to the hick village to buy a few things in the store.
And that’s not good.I’ve got a big, fat problem here.And I can’t hide it from Cleo: As I realize this, the smile dies on her face.
“Sure?”she asks quietly, voice wobbling.“Colin, it sucks here without you.”I swear, if she starts crying, I’ll freak.But she’s a Fantino.She’s learned that showing emotions is a sign of weakness, so she does the only thing we freaking well know how: She hides them, to deal with them later, on her own.And seeing that hurts.
I’ve failed.I didn’t want my kid sister to turn out like me, but I’m not there to stop it happening.There’s nobody with her, and no way can I let that feeling get a hold of Cleo.Because once that happens, she’ll never be rid of it.Never.
Shit.So what do I do now?
All I can do is calm her down and think about it in peace later.
“It sucks without you too, Cleo,” I say, an ocean and five hours’ time difference between us.“And there’s no way I’m staying here.”I never thought I’d say that without feeling it.“But it’s not as easy to get expelled as I thought.I’ll have to come up with something real bad, you know?”
Cleo’s smile is strained, and I’m not sure if it’s real.“You’ll think of something.”
“You bet I will.”I smile at her.“OK, now, tell me what to play.”
I can’t stand the next two songs.Cleo’s smile is fake, I can see that even as my fingers move mechanically over the keys, and I’m tense because I’ve lied to her.I didn’t mean to lie—of course I want to return to her—but every day at this school, I understand more and more that what I used to have didn’t make me happy.My friends who ghost me and don’t give a shit about how I’m doing.Maresa, who’s moved on to the next sucker without batting an eyelid.I’d be such a goddamn loser if I went back now.Besides, I’m not even sure if I really want to.Even if everyone acts like nothing’s changed, that’s not true.It changed the second I got on that plane and flew to Europe.I wanted to close my eyes to it, didn’t want to admit it, but that’s impossible now.
