Of course I don’t say that.I let go of her and glare back as she turns to me.Her curtains are open, and the moonlight makes the tears glitter on her cheeks.I lift my hand to wipe them away, but she doesn’t let me.
“Tell me that wasn’t a lie.”
“What wasn’t?”
“How long ago did you split up?”
Maresa...Got you.God knows why she’s starting on that now.
I don’t want to have this conversation, but there’s no getting away from it, so we might as well go through with it now.She seems like she’s sobered up enough to remember it in the morning.
“We were never together,” I say, and she can’t miss the bitterness in my voice.
Olive raises her eyebrows in surprise.“In those pictures, you’re looking at her like she’s the only person in the world.”
I clench my jaw.“We were never a couple,” I growl again.She seems to understand.There’s sympathy in her eyes now, and that makes everything worse.“Not that I know what business it is of yours.”
Unfortunately, we seem to have got to a point where she doesn’t scare so easily.She watches me attentively.
“It wasn’t a lie,” I say.But it’s dark, she’s lying in her bed in front of me, and just now, during that nightmare, Olive Garden was so vulnerable that I feel the need to give her some vulnerability in return, to keep things fair.I’m afraid otherwise, the universe could tip off kilter.With us, you never know.“I thought it was something more too.Ha.My mistake.”
“Are you in love with her?”
A question like that is mean enough when you’re not lying an inch from someone and forced to look into their face.But the answer is clear.
No.
I don’t know what love feels like.I only know the desire to be seen by someone, and that has nothing to do with being in love.So there’s nothing to think about, but I hesitate all the same.
“She hurt me, so it hurts, but I...I’m not in love with her,” I say in the end.“I never was.I think there’s more to being in love.And that’s no lie.”
Olive nods.“My mum had an affair.”I freeze, but I’m not imagining it.Olive is lying beside me, staring into the darkness.“And she talked me into not telling my dad.”
“Man,” I say.Such wisdom, I know.“Seriously?”
“Yeah,” Olive answers.“So now do you understand that I can’t just kiss someone, knowing there’s someone out there who doesn’t have a clue?”
Suddenly I get it.The shit with Maresa and me must have reminded her of that.No wonder she freaked out.Suddenly I feel like a total idiot.“Olive, I—”
“No, I believe you.”Her voice is quiet.“I just wanted to explain why I reacted like I did.”
I nod silently.“It wasn’t a lie,” I repeat after a while, when the silence gets too much.“But something else was.”I see her hold her breath.“And you know what I mean.”
“No, I don’t,” she retorts.Silence.She’s a sadist.“You have to say it.”
“Don’t force me to.”
“You have to,” she repeats, not taking her eyes off me.
I close mine.“The thing about me not wanting to kiss you, that was...I’ve wanted to kiss you this whole fucking time.”
She’s not moving now.She lies motionless in front of me, and then everything happens very fast.“I’d saykiss me now, but I’m afraid I just whiteyed...”
“We’ve brushed our teeth since then,” I point out, because sheseems not to remember that.“You insisted on it.”I lean forward.“Just so you know.”
And then I do it.
It’s a hungry kiss, and for a few seconds, she’s overwhelmed.Then she wraps her arms around me and presses into me.And oh, God, this woman will be the death of me.I move against her and press her against the wall behind her bed.She groans in surprise.I take her bottom lip gently between my teeth, and then I let her go before she feels how tight my pants are getting.
