I shiver.OK, I didn’t think this through.Because even though I didn’t smash the thing up, I was still out of bounds.My pulse quickens as I force myself to meet Mrs.Sinclair’s eyes.They bore through me.
“I’m listening, Olive.”
Should I lie?Claim that I was on my way to the sick bay for more painkillers?I’d probably get away with that, but I can’t face it.
“I couldn’t sleep,” I say in the end.“I was in my room, in bed, but...I couldn’t.The moment I shut my eyes, I started to panic, and I had to get some air, to...I’m sorry.”
When I look up at Mrs.Sinclair again, I see surprise in her eyes, followed by pity.And I hate it.
“I see,” she says slowly.“I’m sorry to hear that, Olive.”
I shouldn’t have said anything.What if she tells Dad?“It’s OK,” I say hastily.“I should have stayed in my room.It won’t happen again, I promise.”
“I know we’ve already talked about this, but I would encourage you again to speak to Ms.Vail.You might find it a relief, Olive.”
“Yes, I know.I’ll think about it.”I hesitate.“Will you give me a warning?”
Mrs.Sinclair gives me a hard stare.“Just promise me that you’ll ask for help if you need it.”
I nod and mumble, “Thank you.”Mrs.Sinclair glances at her car and I hastily add, “Please don’t tell my dad what I just told you, Miss.”
Great.Now I sound like my mum.But if Dad hears that I’mnot sleeping because of panic attacks, he’s sure to conclude that I’mnot readyafter all.
“Very well, Olive,” Mrs.Sinclair says after eyeing me again.“Have a nice evening.”
“You too,” I say as she gets into the car.
I shove my hands into my hoodie pockets and turn away.I walk across the courtyard wondering if that conversation really happened.To say I was confused would be a massive understatement.What made him fess up after he threatened me again just now?Was he only teasing and never intended to accuse me?I’d like to find him and ask him, but then another thought distracts me.
Please don’t tell my dad.
Mum coming into my room and shutting the door.I don’t want to sound like her.And I don’t want to ask other people to do a thing I hate.Because, if I’m honest, I still wish I could go to Dad and tell him everything.It’s just that I’m afraid he’d be totally devastated to hear that Mum’s been sleeping with another man.
Not that I even know for certain that she has.Maybe they only kissed.She and that guy looked very close when I saw them in Ebrington.They must have slept together.I don’t even want to know.It’s just minging.The way she is at home, so natural, acting like nothing’s happened.Like she wasn’t the one who destroyed our family, which she did the minute she decided to cheat on her husband.I can hardly find words for how angry that makes me.The only thing I know about the man is his name: Alexis.Does he have a family?Is he going behind their backs too?Does he hope Mum will leave Dad for him?
Almost without noticing, I’m walking through the mainschool gate and onto the road that leads to Ebrington.There’s still a while till dinner, and I feel too churned up just to sit in my room.All this free time is unsettling.I’m not used to it.In the old days, I barely had a spare minute between classes, study hour, meals, and swimming.And I loved it.Being busy.The rewarding ache after a particularly tough training session rather than the pain of the skin graft and my shoulder.
But that’s all in the past.I straighten my back as I get closer to Ebrington.I ignore the wee high street and turn off into the estate where Grace and her family live.I was here on one of my rare free afternoons, totally unsuspecting, when I saw the sight that changed my life.
Sometimes I really wish I hadn’t been in the village that day.Then I’d have as little idea as Dad about what my mother gets up to when she claims to be doing home visits.OK, so most of the time that will have been what she was doing, but the idea that she uses her job as a midwife to cover up her assignations with her lover makes me want to boak.My heart sinks as I come closer to the semidetached house outside which I saw her car.There’s nobody on the narrow street, but I can’t shake off the images.The dark front door opening, the expectation of seeing her in the company of either a pregnant woman or a new mother.And then the numbness that spread through me as she kissed a stranger goodbye.
Back then, I ran away as fast as I could, but this time, I stop outside the house.Dark bricks, two stories high, with lattice windows and a neat, simple front garden.I don’t know what good I think it’ll do me to find out who lives here.I saw the man.Aboutas tall as Mum, thin, dark jeans, pale shirt.Ebrington might be small, but I’ve never seen him before or since, not that that proves anything—a lot of people who live here work in Edinburgh.
I feel like I’m breaking some rule as I get closer to the garden gate.But just as I’m about to push it open and venture up to the front door, a car turns into the road.
Hastily, I turn away, dig my hands into my jacket pockets, and walk down the pavement.My heart beats faster as I half turn at the end of the road and watch out of the corner of my eye as the car stops beside the neighboring house.
Why, for God’s sake?What’s the use of knowing who the man is?Leave it—it won’t make anything unhappen.On the contrary.The more I know about him, the more real everything gets.There’s no answer to any of this.I’m caught between a rock and a hard place: Whatever I do, it’ll be wrong.I can go to Dad and tell him, then pray that my parents don’t get divorced.Or I can say nothing and risk Dad finding out anyway—that Mum had an affair and that I didn’t tell him.
My head aches and so does my heart.I’m sick of all this.I just want a bit of peace.I didn’t want anything to change, but apparently you don’t get to wish that becauseeverythinghas changed.
I walk aimlessly around the village because I don’t want to go back to school, but my mind is whirling.I head for the castle loch, because the way the sky reflects in its smooth surface has an almost meditative effect on me.It’s a wee bit of peace amid all the chaos that’s my life now.It always has been.Water is my element.Liquid serenity, especially when I can swim lengths, dive, be weightless.
There’s nobody here but me, or so I think as I let my eyes roam across the loch.To the far bank.
And then I see him.
Colin
