“Colin insisted on it” is all she says in reply, and I decide not to like this woman.“Please call me Ava.I’m afraid I have to ask you all to excuse me now.If you want a thing done properly around here, you have to take care of it yourself, same as ever.Debra will show you to your seats—we’re going on air in a few minutes.”
Wow, that was a quick introduction.I seem to be the only person here who’s surprised.Colin glances at me, and we follow a tall woman with waist-length black curls through the maze of corridors to the studio.And now we’re in the part I recognize from TV: the set with the famous couch in front of a screen displaying the show’s logo.It looks much smaller in real life.So does the packed-out audience area.
We’re shown to seats on the back row.Soon the lights goout, and a loudspeaker instructs us to applaud.Colin’s arms are crossed over his chest and he makes no move to clap as his mother walks on stage.
Ava Fantino is an ice-cold woman with the impressive skill of seeming like a completely different person on camera.She sits there on the sofa with a beaming smile, ready to welcome her first guest, totally unlike the woman I just met.
Colin watches the show, apparently entirely unimpressed.Cleo, on the other hand, squeals in excitement twenty minutes in, when her mother introduces the British singer.
Hayes Chamberlain looks just as stunning as he does in glossy magazines and on the album covers I recognize him from.Seriously tall, seriously thin, dark hair with a hint of a curl, which is—to put it mildly—pure perfection.The audience goes wild, only quieting down when Colin’s mother starts to speak to him.I’m aware of the direct way she asks questions, and even before today, I found it pretty outspoken, but she exceeds herself this time.It’s clear that Hayes has no intention of giving a straight answer to what’s going to happen with Temporary Fix.I’m not surprised by that because, thanks to Tori, I know that he was the one who—to the horror of all their fans—left the band out of the blue and disappeared from public view.After that, the three other band members decided to take a break too.Only they know the real reasons for it, yet Ava Fantino wheels out the big guns in an attempt to get answers from him.He’s clearly had a lot of media training—I’m amazed by the way he always manages to keep his replies innocuous yet charming.At least until Colin’s mum brings the conversation around to the other band members.Sheseems determined to goad him into saying something negative about them, and that leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.I’m starting to see how the media operates and to understand why Colin hates it all so much.He gives a barely perceptible shake of his head, and when I glance over, he nods toward the exit.
I hesitate, then nod back and stand up.We leave Cleo, who has eyes only for the singer, and ignore the hand signals of horrified assistant producers as we slip through the door.
“She really went out of her way to be insensitive and cross the line tonight,” Colin mutters as we walk down a corridor.
“Didn’t seem like it was much of a stretch for her,” I say.“She really grilled that poor lad.”
“Her specialty.”Colin shrugs.Then he looks at me.“Want to get out of here?”
I nod without hesitation.
“Scared?”I ask, once we’ve retrieved our coats and got out into the street.By night, New York is even more overwhelming than by day, and I have no idea where we are.Colin seems to know where he’s going, though.
He doesn’t answer me straightaway.“Yeah,” he says in the end, like he’s just remembered the plan.Which is to show up at Ava Fantino’s charity gala the day after tomorrow but leave early and go to the police the day after that.I’m glad Colin’s decided to give evidence at last, but I can tell how afraid he is of reliving the evening of the fire.“But I’ll be glad to get it over with.”
I’m sure I would be too—in my eyes, there’s no other option.I might have forgiven him, but only because I believe in the good in him.That he didn’t mean anyone any harm.
Sometimes, when I suddenly remember that someone died in the fire, that’s hard.A firefighter, a mother, a wife.Every time, it’s like I can’t breathe for a moment.It wouldn’t be right to blame Colin for that because nobody can be certain that the fire really started because of him.He was in despair: He never meant to start a fire—but neither did the upper-sixth crowd in the Dungeon.None of that can change what happened, though.
Colin’s actions don’t define him, any more than mine define me.
He’s a good person; he deserves to be loved, and I’mallowedto love him, despite the things that happened.We’ll do this together.And someday, sometime, there’ll be a day when everything gets easier again.
34
Colin
It was a mistake to visit Mom at the studio; I should have known that before we set off.I didn’t exactly expect her to do cartwheels at the sight of me, but I’m hurt by how cold she was.I can never change Ava Fantino, though.I can only change the way I deal with her behavior.
In the past, I’d have been furious and disappointed.And then, so I didn’t have to feel that, I’d have done things that haven’t proved particularly constructive.Changing a mindset like that takes time, and right now, I’m still furious and disappointed, but I’m choosing a different consequence.I talk to Olive on the way home.We walk, even though it’s almost two miles and the night is cold, but it’s helping me clear my head.
There’s nothing but silence to welcome us to the apartment.Kirsten has left, Dad’s still at the office, and I’m tired.I’m so tired of this shit.
Olive takes a shower, and I wait for her in the guest room.My head is heavy.I shut my eyes, and I feel as though the bed movesbeneath me, floats up, sinks down, like the plane only a few hours ago.God, I’m tired.I could fall asleep, I really could just...
I startle out of my doze as Olive creeps into the bed beside me and cuddles up to me.
“Go back to sleep,” she whispers.Her voice is gentle.She smells of rose shampoo and vanilla.With my last ounce of strength, I roll over and nestle into her body.Her back is against my chest; she takes my arm as I wrap it around her and starts to stroke my wrist.
“Have you eaten?”she asks, turning her head slightly toward me as I don’t answer right away.“Colin?”
“Yeah,” I murmur and feel her nod.
“Good.”
Good...Yes, it is good.And warm, she’s so endlessly soft and warm.The tension drains from my muscles, everything grows heavy, and I give in.I’m holding her in my arms.Nothing can happen.I’m sure of that.
Olive
