“She said you weren’t bonded to her like the others.”
Fox looks unsurprised. “Yeah, I realized while we were in the palace that I probably wasn't."
"Because you were able to hurt her, you mean?"
Fox shakes his head. "No, before that." His eyes drift to the forest floor. "I just wish I'd realized it sooner."
"Well," I say with a weak smile, "at least you don't have to worry about crossing the border back to Vernallis now."
Fox's expression shifts, a shadow passing over his features.
"What's wrong?"
"What do you mean?"
"I can always tell something is wrong. You’re not all that mysterious, you know.”
He barks a sudden short laugh, evidently caught off guard, then sighs, and his face turns brooding once more. "I'm afraid of what will happen to the wolves if I leave.”
"Oh. I didn't realize you liked being the alpha."
"I don't," he says almost defensively. "I hate it—all of them looking at me like I have answers—I don't want to be their alpha." He runs a hand through his hair, and I can see the conflict in his eyes. "But I care about them. They need help rebuilding, getting reorganized. I feel responsible for them.”
"Oh. Of course."
I look down at the ground to hide my reaction.
Of course he’d want to help the wolves. I can’t blame him for that, it’s the right thing to do. Still, I thought we were in agreement about leaving, and selfishly, I want him to return home with me. It never occurred to me that Fox might want to stay.
"Is that what you want?" I ask him carefully. “To stay in Thermia?”
Fox's footsteps halt mid-stride. His jaw tightens, a muscle flickering beneath his skin as his gaze slides toward me. "I like things the way they are now.”
“I’m confused.”
He turns fully to face me, eyes boring into mine with sudden intensity. "I like how things have been since we've been here," he says, his voice low. "I want things to stay like this for a while."
A pang of sadness and rejection blooms in my chest. He wants to stay in Thermia and be part of the wolf pack. He doesn't want to go home with me.
"What about me?" I ask, forcing the words past the tightness in my throat. I've never felt more vulnerable than I do at this moment, waiting for his answer.
Fox's eyes hold mine, earnest and clear. "That's what I mean," he says, his voice low but steady. "I like how things are with you. I want them to stay like this…if you want that, too."
His words are like a cold bucket of water over my head.
He likes how things are now–likes our casual relationship.
He wants to stay in Thermia, but seems to be suggesting that I could stay too, presumably to keep fucking him everyday, while living in this undefined null space outside of our normal lives.
Oh Gods. I'm such an idiot.
How could I have imagined something deeper when he's told me repeatedly that he doesn’t want more than this? I keep telling myself that I’m not going to do this—I’m not going to keep chasing after a man who doesn’t want what I want, and somehow I keep doing exactly that.
I swallow hard, trying to keep my voice from shaking. "Amora—my mother, I mean—I haven’t really decided what to call her yet. But anyway, she asked me to go on a trip to Solistine with her," I say, the words tumbling out in a jumbled rush before I can stop them.
“Oh,” Fox says in an inscrutable tone. “Do you want to go?"
“I might,” I say, blinking rapidly to keep tears from forming. “I’m thinking about it, but right now I really just need to find Eugene.”
