Heat floods through me, but I force myself to ignore it. I nod toward the building. "Who's here?"
"It doesn't matter."
The edge in his voice snaps my attention back to his face. "Why are you so angry?"
"Because you're in pain!"
I swallow. "It was a typical meeting with the Sages. I tried to close the bond so you wouldn't have to feel any of it. Next time I'll?—"
"You think I'm angry because I felt it?" He steps closer. "I'm angry they made you feel that way at all. I'm angry they have wards around that property." His voice drops, dangerous. "Which is probably for the best. Because if I'd been able to get inside, the realm would be short three Sages right now. And goddess-fucking-forbid we upset the balance!"
I stop breathing.
"Oh," I manage.
"Yes. Oh." His hand lifts to cup the back of my neck, and he lowers his face until our eyes are level. "And now I'm furious that you tried to shut me out. That you thought you had to carry it alone."
A sob rises. I bite my trembling lip and force it down. Can't he see I'm barely holding on? That I'm unraveling with every breath? That I cannot share this particular pain with him?
"My torment isn't yours to carry," I whisper.
"No." His thumb traces along my jaw. "But it would be my privilege if you let me."
The sob escapes before I can stop it. I shake my head and try to pull away, but he holds me there, watching me with those golden eyes that see far too much.
"Why are you fighting this?" His voice is barely a whisper.
Another sob tears through me. "Because I have to!"
This time, when I pull away, he lets me go.
Somehow, that breaks me more than if he'd held on.
I hate this. All of it. And the bond makes everything worse. I can feel his concern.
His confusion. And gods, the doubt. As if he's questioning whether I want him as much as he wants me. If only he knew. If only I could tell him that wanting him isn't the problem.
I wish I could reach inside myself and tear it all out. The bond. The guilt. Everything.
"What changed?" He searches my face. "What did they tell you?"
The knot in my throat tightens. I want to scream that nothing has changed and everything has changed. But I can't. If I say that, I might as well say it all. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to say these words aloud. The shame is suffocating. Brutal.
I've never wished for anything outside of what the Veritas Order could give me. I stopped wanting things I couldn't have a long time ago. But if I let myself wish for something now, it would be him.
The thought makes another sob rise. I turn away, closing my eyes, searching for that place inside myself where I can shut everyone out. But I can't find it. The bond has invaded everything. He's everywhere.
"Ada."
"I can't do this right now, Mal." I keep my eyes closed. Coward.
"Look at me."
I squeeze my eyes tighter.
"Look at me!" The snap in his voice makes me flinch.
My eyes fly open. His gaze is so intense it feels like being pinned. The flickering lights make his eyes look like they're glowing.
