Blair Lowells. According to the news reports I found, there was no reason for them to think there was foul play involved, and no mention of Finn at all. Everything I found says Blair had been drunk, high, and speeding in her dad's Ferrari. It was a terrible tragedy. A terrible, untimely death, just like Mallory’s. And much like Mallory’s situation, the information about Blair’s death is very limited. That doesn’t mean anything, though.
Tate might be an asshole, but he’s a smart guy. If he really thought Finn had any involvement, he would have outed him. Finn may be a Barlow, but even Barlows can’t kill someone—purposely or not—without consequence. Were they together? Were he, Tate, and Blair in some kind of love triangle? Is that why he sent me those flowers that day? Fuck. I already know this is going to haunt me.
It’s been days, and I’ve still heard nothing from Finn. I tell myself it’s for the best but I can’t deny my disappointment. I guess a part of me thought the other night meant something to him. MaybeI thought I’d be different. My phone buzzes, and I expect it to be Olivia calling to let me know she arrived safely at her parents’ beach house, but it’s a text from Scarlet.
Scarlet: they just changed their venue from onyx to pearl
My stomach churns. I’m supposed to speak to Leo and John to try to get information out of them. I couldn’t start an interrogation right off the bat when I met them, so I told them I was interested in checking out the “pleasure club,” as John called it. That led to a text from him inviting me tonight, but meeting at Pearl complicated things. Then again, Finn hasn’t reached out. He obviously got what he wanted and has no interest in me, so it won’t make a difference if his cousin happens to be there or finds out I was there. Besides, the club in the basement has nothing to do with the nightclub upstairs. I doubt Lucas will have a way of knowing I’m there.
Right now, I need to do this. I need to see the people she was hanging out with. I want to look each one of them in the eyes when I speak her name. I shut my eyes again, trying to conjure memories of that night, but as usual, they stop right at the moment I walked into Onyx. There has to be video footage of the rest of my night. It’s something I thought about a lot, after the initial wave of grief lifted. No one knows what happened that night after I went back inside. I don’t rememberanyof it, which is disconcerting. I went to the hospital the next day, and thankfully, they confirmed I hadn’t been taken advantage of, but the fact that I had no memory was still unsettling. It was also something only two people knew about.
Me: thanks for letting me know
Scarlet: are you going to go?
Me: yeah
Scarlet: you can’t wait until next weekend? I don’t want you to go alone
Me: I’ll be fine. Thank you!
Scarlet: pls be careful around those people. I’m sure they’re fine, but they’ll sense your innocence and see you as prey
My heart pounds harder.
Me: noted. Thanks
I set my phone down and take a deep breath. I wouldn’t call myself innocent, but I know what she means. In this world, I might as well be a virgin. Leo definitely sees me as prey. Even after we figured out he knew my stepfather, he said he’d love to “teach me a few things” in a private room. He’d stared at me so intensely for so long that I started to fidget in my chair.
I think about Finn and how he looks at me. It’s intense, for sure, but I crave it. I remember the way he looked at me at Lyla’s house and my stupid heart speeds up again. My mom’s words come back to me, and I feel a tiny spark of hope bloom in my chest, but I squash it down quickly. He hasn’t reached out again, which means we’re done. For real, this time.
And even if we weren’t, we still have this Mallory thing looming over us. Unfortunately, I agree with him that it wasn’t an accident. I don’t know how I let myself believe it was. The more I think about it, the shadier it all is. For a second time, I squeeze my eyes shut and try to replay what I remember from that night, but I hit the same dead end.
I just need to prove that my stepfather had nothing to do with what happened that night. Yes, he was there, but he was only there to get an alibi for a client of his. I believe that to be true. I just hope I can convince Finn. I lift my phone and hold my breath as I type.
Me: what other “proof” do you have on Titus?
His response comes surprisingly fast.
Finn: I can’t send it on here
Me: you sent footage on here
Finn: a lapse in judgment
I don’t know why, but his words sink into my chest like a knife. It feels like he’s saying that about me. Aboutus. I’m probably just overthinking it since I’m hurt that he dropped me so quickly, but still.A lapse in judgment.I shouldn’t have texted him. Iset my phone down with shaky hands, but at the last minute, I pick it up and furiously type out a response.
Me: kind of how you feel about us then
This time, I set my phone on Do Not Disturb mode where only a handful of people have access to interrupt me. None of which include Finn Barlow. In the shower, the knot in my throat gets bigger, and finally, the sob I’d been trying to hold back bursts out of me. Fuck him for making me cry. Fuck him for making me feel things. Ultimately, this is my fault, though.
I knew what this was when I went into it. I knew what it was four years ago, and I knew what it was the night of my birthday at Pure. And still, I feel this way. My head and my heart are at war and I’m the only one losing. I cry until I feel like I’ve purged him from my life, and then finish getting ready.
Once I’m dressed and my hair and makeup are done, I upload a video I shot yesterday when I was trying on activewear from one of my sponsors. I take a very deep breath and look for John’s phone number.
“John speaking,” he says after two rings.
“Hey, John,” I say. “This is Josslyn. We met the other night at Onyx. Scarlet intro?—”
