It’s only a fifteen-minute ride to the airport and our flight will take off shortly after we arrive, so I call Josslyn as soon as I get on the bus. I’ve tried to figure out what I’ll say to her, and keep coming up short. I can explain why I did it, but I can’t apologize for my actions. It would be equal to a lie, and I promised her I wouldn’t lie to her.
“Callingyour girlfriendalready?” Hamilton jokes, and laughs when I flash him my middle finger as I keep walking to the back of the bus.
“Hello?” she says. It’s noisy wherever she is.
“I gotyour texts.”
“Yeah.” She exhales. “Are you going to apologize?”
“No.”
She’s quiet for a moment. “You know what, I respect that.”
“Are you upset?”
“About the stalking? What do you think?”
I sit down and shut my eyes as I lean against the wall. “Where are you?”
“I just got home from practice,” she says, moving further from the noise. “There’s a mom with like six kids in the lobby right now. All under ten. It’s insane.”
I feel my lips tug. “Do you want kids?”
“Yeah.” Her tone makes me uneasy, but I’m afraid to address it.
“How many?” I ask instead.
“I’m not sure. I guess it depends on who I have them with.”
My eyes pop open as a wave of anger rushes through me. It takes me a moment to push it down. Every time she says things like that or suggests I might want to date someone else at some point, I want to shake her. I don’t know what else to say or do to make her see that there will be no one else. Ever.
“I told Theo I’m going to be your last boyfriend. You can’t have me lying to a kid,” I say, hoping it sounds like a joke despite the pressure on my chest.
“Sorry to break it to you, but he’s rooting against you.”
I roll my eyes. At myself. At the kid. I don’t even know anymore. Everything about this conversation is off-putting.
“Are you at my place or yours?” I ask when I hear a door open and shut.
Another sore subject. I’ve been asking her to move in with me every day and she still hasn’t caved, even though we’ve only slept apart a handful of times.
“Mine. Livie’s supposed to come over soon,” she says, her voice still drawn. Distant. I can’t fucking stand it.
“Are you going to leave me?” I ask quietly, as I screw my eyes shut and hold my breath, waiting for her response.
“Leave you?”
“Yes.”
Another pause. “What would you do if I said yes?”
My chest squeezes painfully. “I don’t know, Josslyn.” I swallow hard. “Cry.” I let out a short laugh. “Scream. Get on my knees and beg you to reconsider.”
“And if I don’t reconsider?” she asks quietly.
“You will.”
“Oh, really?” She laughs, and it sounds light enough that I feel some of the pressure in my chest loosen. “How do you know?”
