“It’s perfect.” I smiled over at her. “I’m really happy for you.”
She turned around and escorted me back downstairs into her bedroom. It smelled like her. I took a moment to inhale the scent as I walked in behind her. She had a big bed with a white comforter and white pillows, and a television mounted on the wall in front of it. The walls, like the ones in the rest of the apartment, were eggshell. It was the same one I’d used at my own place. The wall that faced the city was all window. She had light beige drapes covering it. She showed me the large walk-in closet. All of her things took up one side of it. The left side remained empty, and for a fraction of a second, I let myself pretend my shit was in there. The bathroom was also nice.
“It’s amazing,” I said once she was finished, and we were standing in her room just steps from her unmade bed. My fingers itched to make it for her.
“Thanks.” She smiled. “Can we talk now?”
“Here?” I looked between her and the bed.
“I’m comfortable here.” She laughed lightly. “What, you can’t be in a bedroom with me and just talk?”
I blinked hard. Could I be? Yes. Did I want that? No. “Let’s get to it, then.”
She sat near the pillows. I sat at the foot.
“Do you want a drink?”
“Not right now.”
She gave a nod and leaned against the upholstered frame. “Are you here to explain why you left me and didn’t want to reach out to me?”
“Yes.”
She raised an eyebrow. “I’m listening.”
“I thought the best thing I could do for you was leave you alone. . .” I started.
“Best for me or best for you?” she asked.
I let out a laugh. “Did you not see the state I was in yesterday?”
“Yes,” she said quietly. “I thought you chose happiness every day.”
That made me smile a little. I had told her that, hadn’t I? I hadn’t been lying about it either. I did wake up and choose happiness, but that was before I knew what happiness could be. She was looking at me like she wanted an answer, and I wasn’t sure what I could give her that would be acceptable.
“I tried, but I realized that before you, I didn’t really know what happiness felt like.”
She inhaled, her eyes watering. She cleared her throat before asking, “Why did you think being without you would be best for me?”
“Because you’re free now. Free to go to Japan and San Francisco and Egypt and all the other places on your list,” I said, swallowing before I said the next part. “Free to be with whomever you want. I didn’t want you to. . .” I paused. “I didn’t want you to wake up next to me in fifteen years and regret not exploring your options.”
“I don’t want to go to any of those places without you, Rocco.” She looked at me like she couldn’t believe I’d ever said that. “And the options thing. . .” She shook her head. “You don’t think I could have explored my options before? Yes, I was being controlled, but I was in boarding school my entire life. I went to college. If I’d really wanted to, I could have rebelled then.” Her brows pulled slightly. “I wantedyou. I’ve always wanted you.”
My heart stopped beating. “Do you still? Want me?”
“Why don’t you continue your reasoning for not coming for me sooner, and then I’ll speak,” she said quietly. My lips tugged at her demand but turned serious quickly.
“What happened with your father. . .”
“He’s gone. He deserved what he got,” she said. “Don’t bring him into this. He doesn’t deserve a mention.”
“I thought you’d hate me for it. I thought you’d wake up one day and decide you couldn’t forgive me.”
“Why didn’t you want to ask?” she whispered.
“Because I’m not worthy of you, Lenora.” I swallowed past the hard lump in my throat. “I’m not worthy of any part of you. Do I want you? Fuck yes. Will I want you this time next year and this time thirty years from now? I know I will, but that doesn’t mean I should have you.”
She blinked rapidly and wiped the tears trickling down her face. “You are worthy of me. And I’m still failing to understand how any of that is a problem.”
