Sorry, Lord, I tried my best, but I can’t do it any longer.
Yes. Instead of Mary leaving and me staying, I will jump the gun. It will be me who leaves, and she who will stay.
That’s the real goal of my little bed strike, if you want to know the truth: I’m shoring up energy. Thinking through my strategy. Gearing up for one last great magnificent escape. My ankle is stronger now. The skin is mostly healed. The scarring has marbled into soft, raised veins of pink.
“She’s going to be fine,” I say. “You take excellent care of her. You don’t need my help one bit. You’ll do just fine without me.”
I roll onto my side and close my eyes, waiting for her to leave.
All of you will do just fine without me when I’m gone.
48
The night Caleb told mewhat happened with Shannon, I was six months pregnant with our sixth child, and I didn’t sleep a wink. I lay there in the darkness, staring at the ceiling while my husband snored peacefully next to me. The sound made smoke pour out of my ears. But of course he slept peacefully. As soon as Caleb told me what was going on,what was happening under my nose,he had effectively handed the problem over to me. That was, after all, how all good marriages worked. My husband moved instinctually through the world, he did the things he wanted to do and didn’t do the things he didn’t want to do, and I—happy wife, happylife—trailed beatifically in front of and behind him, sweeping the ground clean for him to walk forward, and then just as quickly sweeping his messy footprints away.
That’s what they’d told me to do, right? All those women who came before me?Be a mother, be a wife, and keep the household clean.
Liars. Every Christian woman I ever met had been a big fat lying bastard. Lord have mercy on their big fat lying bastard souls.
At five, Caleb got up and left to milk the cows. At six, I got out of bed and went to the kitchen, ignoring the children and the nannies at the table. I made an espresso and walked out to the front porchand sat on a rocking chair while the dark sky slowly lightened. The espresso went cold while I sat there, rocking away, a wool blanket draped around my shoulders. Wondered where my family might have ended up, if not here on this ranch. Those options weren’t satisfying, though, not even for a daydream, and so I moved farther back and wondered where I might have ended up, if not with Caleb. A series of silent films played out in front of me. I watched them with vague disappointment. If I didn’t marry Caleb, I would’ve married someone else.
Caleb was in love with Shannon. That’s what he had told me the night before. He was in love,truly in love,for the first time in his life. At that moment in his little monologue, I did flinch, I’ll admit that. Not like he noticed. He was too busy landing the final blow. “I’m moving to New York,” he said in the darkness, practically breathless with excitement. “I’m starting a new life. She reallychallengesme, you know? She pushes me on my ideas. Our conversations are incredible. Did you know, Natalie, that the rat thing isn’t true?”
“Yes,” I said softly. “I know that the rat thing isn’t true.”
He paused. “Why didn’t you say anything, then?”
I didn’t answer.
“I’m sorry,” Caleb said. “I know this will be hard. But it’s for the best, Natalie. I really believe that. You and me—we were never meant to be together. You know that, right? I think you’ve always known that.”
Moving to New York. Starting a new life. With Shannon.
I didn’t believe it. No way. Not a chance. Caleb wouldn’t get more than three miles away from this ranch before a girl like Shannon got sick of him. My husband was like a farm animal, or a very expensive suede couch. Constant work. Diminishing returns. It required relentless sacrifice and impeccable discipline to give your life over to the care and management of a man like that. Shannon was not that kind of woman.
I said, “Is she pregnant?”
Caleb was silent. It was too dark to see his expression, but I couldimagine it perfectly, his brow furrowed in contemplation. “I don’t know,” he said finally. “But if she is, I’d like to keep it.”
My husband, everyone! What a prince.
At seven on the dot, I knocked on Shannon’s bedroom door and heard a muffledCome in.I opened the door to find Shannon standing by her closet in a T-shirt and underwear, hanging a dress in the shared closet. “Oh,” she said. “Sorry, I thought you were one of the nannies.”
I waited, my eyes averted, while she rooted around the clothes in her hamper, found a pair of jeans, and quickly put them on. “What’s up? Is everything okay?”
I stepped inside and shut the door behind me. I smiled softly. “I’m sure you can imagine why I came up here.”
There it was: a whole world spinning in her expression. A long moment passed, and then she sat down on her bed. “Yeah,” she said. “I guess I can.”
“He said you’re moving to New York together.”
“Christ,” Shannon muttered. “That is—yikes.”
“My husband is,” I said, and paused. Took a moment to collect myself. Smooth the wrinkles of my fury into place. “He can be gullible. So if there was, at any point—” I paused again. I needed to be careful. Maybe she was recording the conversation. Not likely, but not impossible. “I’m aware that it’s inappropriate. He’s your employer, and so if there was any pressure on your part, or if he promised you any money—”
“He didn’t pressure me.” Her pants were still unbuttoned, a pink bud on the lace of her underwear staring out at me like an evil eye. “Look. It’s …” She exhaled slowly. Tried again. “Okay. Here’s the thing. I was angry after that day at the rally. I just felt so—helpless. And so I kind of made this bet with myself to see if I could make some tiny difference in my own life. Something practical. Something small. And I realized I could try to debunk some of the insanely stupid shit Caleb believes.” Pause. “And then, I don’t know. Things—” Longer pause. “They developed.”
“Developed,” I echoed. “Is that how you would describe it?”
