I look over at Maria holding up a T-shirt that says, “I got washed away at Sofia & Luciano’s Bach,” printed with some cheesy cartoon photos of them.
“This can’t possibly be Sofia’s handiwork,” I say, throwing the shirt on the bed in protest. “The entire wedding has been so bougie and extravagant. These shirts…the penis hats…the penis glasses. What is going on?”
“I am not wearing a dick on my head. It’s bad enough I have to put them in my—”
“I’m gonna stop you right there,” I groan.
Valentina comes out of the bathroom wearing the shirt with an exaggerated grin plastered across her face. This is the happiest I’ve seen her this entire week.
“Uh, you seem pretty pleased with the uniform for the bachelorette.”
“It’s pretty fantastic, isn’t it?”
Maria and I look at each other as if Valentina had been replaced with some random stranger.
“‘Fantastic’ is not the word I’d use,” Maria says.
“‘Heinous’ would be mine,” I chime in.
“‘Atrocious’ is mine,” Maria adds.
“Perfect.” Valentina smiles.
“For someone who has been so miserable, why is this penis adornment the thing that has shifted your mood?” I ask.
“Because, you guys, I’m the maid of honor.”
“Okay?” we both say in unison.
“I was in charge of the bach party.” She grins, showing off her entire look. The baseball cap has a small penis superglued to the lip, standing straight up. The shirt is oversized, not designer, and has the ugliest illustration of the couple I have ever seen.
“Valentina, was this part of your…plan?” I ask, side-eyeing her.
“No! Okay yes, it was. But I had decided on this long before I agreed not to do it anymore, so I need to follow through. Besides, I hadn’t planned anything else, and it’s too late to change it. It’s going to be great.”
“‘Great’ is also not the word I’d use,” Maria says. “But I can’t wait to see the look on Sofia’s face when everyone’s wearing these shirts and hats.”
“Oh, that’s not all,” Valentina laughs.
She pulls out a box from the closet and pours out a bunch of random stuff. There are bags of straws where the end you drink out of is a literal penis, and they’re all in different funky colors. There are glow-stick necklaces and face paint. There’s a “pin the penis on the man” board.
I gasp. “What the fuck?”
“I have never seen so much dick in one place in my entire life,” Maria laughs. “Well, there was that one time in Cabo—”
“Maria!” I shout.
“So what did you do? Look up the world’s cheesiest bachelorette decorations and buy everything listed?” Maria asks as she grabs the glow sticks and begins cracking a few to make herself a necklace.
“Actually, yes, I did. I was stressed about how to host and decorate the perfect bachelorette. I spent months trying to figure it out. She always does everything over the top, with the utmost elegance one could muster. So how could I possibly compete? Well, I finally decided the best way to ruin—I mean, enhance—the week was to do the complete opposite of what she’d expect. I was nice enough to wait until the river-tubing activity to bring it all out.”
Maria laughs. “Well, this is going to be interesting.”
River tubing is more my speed. There used to be this old water park where I lived called Splash City. I didn’t get to go often when I was younger because my parents couldn’t afford it, but one year, I was finally able to go, and I fell in love. I was too scared to go on any of the more dangerous water slides, and my mother would absolutely forbid it. However, the one ride I would go on over and over again was called the Lazy River. It lasted about twenty minutes, but I’d go on it for hours. I would bring a drink and put it in the cup holder. I sneaked in a packet of Goldfish once, but I accidentally dropped it in the water. The workers were furious, but all the guests laughed as they watched the crackers swim in the river like fish. I imagine this will be a lot like that, with just a little bit of turbulence in some parts, I’m sure. Easy.
But standing next to the river now feels intimidating. The river itself is wide and flowing steadily, with gentle ripples on its surface reflecting the sunlight that filters through the trees that line its banks. The trees are tall and lush, their branches providing shade to the river below and creating a natural canopy over the water. Slightly different shades of green, orange, and red are represented on the leaves as the season changes.
The sound of the river is constant and soothing, with the water flowing over the rocks and boulders providing a peaceful background melody to the chatter surrounding the hyped-up crowd.
