Chapter One
SOFIA
Please don’t come over here.
Just keep minding your own business,I silently beg,checking your phone, texting friends, ordering takeout for tonight,anythingbut coming over to take the empty seat next to me.
And if you really want to approach a woman on the subway, there are plenty more on the train to choose from. Like that cute blonde six seats down, or the statuesque brunette sitting right by the doors. They’re prettier than me, and probably younger, too.
No. That’s not fair. Just because this guy across the aisle has been staring at me for the last ten minutes doesn’t mean I want him to bother some other unsuspecting woman instead—interrupting their pleasant ride home, making them feel uncomfortable, possibly even unsafe.
Okay, just stay in your seat,I amend.Watch some videos. Heck, go on an online dating app. Find a woman to hit on there. Just don’t bother me. Please.
The ridiculousness of my inner dialogue hits me, and I snort softly at myself.
Here I am, a fully-grown, thirty-five year old woman, holding a one-sided conversation with the stranger sitting across from me. Silently bargaining with him to leave me alone instead of following up on the interest he’s not even trying to hide.
It wouldn’t be the first time a strange man has approached me. Far from it.
And it’s not like I can’t handle myself. I’m trained in self-defense. I carry pepper spray and a personal safety alarm in my bag. Plus, there are plenty of other people on the train who wouldhopefullyspring to my aid if I was in trouble.
It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve had to politely but firmly turn down a man’s advances.
No, I’m not some drop-dead-gorgeous model type. But I’m attractive enough, I think. I have shiny brown-black hair and hazel eyes that I’ve been complimented on for as long as I can remember. And I try to keep in shape, running on my treadmill and lifting free weights at least three or four times a week.
So I’ve had practice turning men down without making them feel rejected. I’ll offer up excuses like,Oh, I’m so flattered, but I’m just on my way to the jewelry store to pick up my engagement ring after having it resized.Or,I’d love to go out with you, but I’m leaving on a work trip to Japan tomorrow. I won’t be back for at least six months.
It’s just that I’m not in the mood to deal with this right now.
Given the uncomfortable conversation I’m certain is awaiting me once I reach my destination, I don’t have the mental energy left for anything else. I just want to be left alone to wallow in painful memories that keep getting bigger and more vivid the closer I get to the city.
I know I don’t haveto do this.
I could get off the train and turn right back around. In an hour or so, I could be back at my apartment in Hoboken, preparing for an uneventful night of leftover pizza and searching for something to watch on TV. I could work on the new jigsaw puzzle that was delivered today; the one that’s still sitting outside my front door, waiting for me.
I could try to put this whole thing out of my mind, rather than putting myself through a confrontation that’s already stirring up memories I wish I could forget.
I don’thaveto talk to Nico about this.
After all, I don’t owe him anything.
As I rummage in my messenger bag for my phone, a little voice in my head reasons,He’s put you through enough. Just go home. You don’t need to do this.
A beat later, another thought strikes me.
Maybe he won’t talk to me at all.
Maybe I’ll show up at Nico’s condo and he’ll turn me away.
Maybe this trip is all for nothing.
But what if it isn’t?another, different voice whispers.What if your gut is right, and he’snotinvolved?
That voice is almost wistful. It’s the voice that makes itself known when the good memories intrude—memories of me and Nico before everything was ruined.
Argh.
Before I can stop myself, I let out an irritated huff.
