“If I appease her blood lust, she might behave,” I comment, planning on staging her with a knife under her paw so Gabriel can see what kind of cat she really is.
“Let’s, umm… just try the licky first,” she says, so off I go to sate her hunger. The assistant shows me how to position so that Lucy Fur is interacting without me being in the shot. Shockinglyenough, Lucy Furissatisfied by the treat… if not a little wild over it. Anytime Margarine looks at it, she smacks the ground in threat. And when I try to give Margarine one, she puts a paw on his head and shoves him out of her way.
“There we go! We definitely got some cute ones. Adorable! And you have more outfits for them?”
“When I lie on my deathbed, buying cat clothes will be my biggest regret,” I inform her as I put the cats in different Christmas clothes. It hurts my soul doing this, but Jesse was right for the first time in his life; Gabriel is going to love these. Even if they turn out looking like trash or only show the tip of Lucille’s tail, he’ll think they’re the cutest things ever.
Then she has me put both cats on glass that she tosses treats over and slides under it to snap some more photographs of the cats that Gabriel will gush over.
After a few minutes with those, she has me disrobe the cats and then asks the most ridiculous question I’ve ever heard.
“Would you like to hold them for a picture with you in it?”
“Not in the slightest.”
“I bet the person you did this for would really like it,” she says.
I grimace as I pick Margarine up. His face reflects my own distaste. And then the two of us stare at Lucy Fur.
“You could just leave that one sitting if you’d like,” she suggests, but no, I must suffer for my one true love. I scoop the cat up before she knows what hit her, and then while the assistant bounces around with a cat toy in an attempt to get her to look at the camera, she proceeds to whisper death threats in my ear.
Really, she needs to learn how to use stealth to assassinate her victims instead of making them aware of her displeasure. I could teach her a thing or two.
“Oh. My. Goodness. It’s adorable,” the woman says as I deposit Lucy Fur next to a bowl of treats that Margarine isn’t allowed to even look at. The photographer comes over and shows me some of the photographs, and I have to hand it to the lady… she somehow got that beast to look pleasant. Like if I saw those pictures, I would think that it wasn’t Satan sitting there, but a normal feline. She even somehow made a vicious slap at Margarine look like a pleasant play pat. This woman is clearly a wizard.
“I approve,” I state.
“Good! I will get them all tidied up… and remove the blood from her head in the first few photos… and we can pick out which ones you’d like to print, alright?”
“Yes. Can I leave the cat here?” I ask while I eye her and the carrier.
She just laughs and walks off, and when I look at the assistant, he hurries off as well. They’re not even going to stick around to watch my very own homicide take place.
I barely get Lucy Fur out of the carrier before the lights from Gabriel’s car illuminate the driveway. However, the bloody massacre that was once my arms is much harder to hide, and I question if the cat could benefit from some kitten mittens.
I dash off to the bathroom where I start washing the evidence away as Gabriel swoops in and wraps his arms around me.
My lovely human sure is fast when he wants to be.
“Hey, hon,” he says, kissing my neck. “Did you have a—what the fuck happened to your arms?”
“Oh, this? Matthew did this. I think we should fire him as a friend.”
“Matthew didn’t do this! Did Lucille do this? Why did she attack you?”
“It’s fine. She was tumbling from her cat tree and panicked. I didn’t mean to help her. My arms were just conveniently in the way, and she decided to use them to keep from plummeting to her death.”
“I’m so sorry. She’s really not very agile. I’ve seen her fall off that cat tree so many times.”
“Do you think it’s because every time she does, you dive under it and catch her so she never learns how to be agile?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about and am convinced you don’t either,” he says as he quickly opens the cabinet and pulls out the first aid kit. “I’m so sorry. I’m sure she didn’t mean to do this. She really is liking you so much more every day.”
While I want to claim she’s not, I realize that this is somehow true. She never would have let me hold her to pose for a photograph previously. And maybe if I’d cooed to her and kissed her face when I plummeted her into the carrier like Gabriel does each time, she would have responded better.
Instead, I was met with a near death experience… but it was worth it.
I just will never let Jesse know that.
