I may hate her hugs.
I may not understand her affection.
But we’ve found some common ground for the first time.
“Honey, I’m going to work in the kitchen,” Mabel says as she grabs a box and off she goes. I am astounded by this woman.
“Mom! No, wait, let’s all work together, okay?” Gabriel protests, rushing after her.
Once he’s out of sight, I begin sorting through things by putting almost everything in the “Keep” box, deciding that he can go through this at some point in his life that won’t be tonight.
“Mom, no, I need that!”
“It’s broken, Gabriel. Broken! I’m pretty sure you can afford a new one, and if you can’t, your millionaire boyfriend can.”
“Multi,” I correct, just so she knows her baby boy is well taken care of. “Gabriel, I don’t know what it is, but I will buy you ten of them.”
“You two are not helpful!” Gabriel calls back, like we’re the problem.
My phone beeps and I look down at it to see that Matthew and Jesse have finally decided to reply to a text I sent themafter we left work. Do Jesse and Matthew not realize what blackmailing is? They should drop everything and answer the very second I message.
Jesse: If Gabriel asked you not to buy him a piece of property, a car, or a ring, why do you think a boat might be the answer?
Me: Jesse, why are you even included in this?
Jesse: You messaged me!
Me: I didn’t realize you were a part of this group chat or I wouldn’t have. Your ideas are the worst.
Matthew: You… think Jesse recommending a normal Christmas present is… the worst? He gave you a huge list of normal things earlier, including: an electric throw, iPad, watch, clothes, books, cat tree… like all of Jesse’s ideas were fantastic.
Me: You are also banned from this conversation.
Jesse: So you just want to talk to yourself?
Me: What is wrong with a car?
Matthew: I think he said his car is newer and he doesn’t need a different one. He seems to like his car.
Me: If I hand him a ring, it’s not like he’ll refuse it.
Jesse: “Here, my one true love, I have purchased you the very thing you didn’t ask for.”
Matthew: “Wow, how nice of you not to listen to me. What else are you not listening to me about?”
Me: This friend bullshit is the worst. I liked it better when you both feared me.
Jesse: The only thing I fear about you is when I have to work with you.
Matthew: At least you get breaks from him.
Me: I will break you both so that neither of you need to come to work tomorrow.
Jesse: I have an idea… and you’re not going to love it, but Gabriel will. How much are you willing to suffer… and bleed?
Me: I would drain every ounce of blood from my body to make Gabriel happy.
Matthew: You’ve got some fucking problems, and I say that in the best way possible.
