“Now you’re breaking into my computer,” Jesse says, having returned. “Why am I not even surprised?”
I point at the drawing I did for him a few weeks back that has been hung up above the computer. It’s a very happy dick which now has a friend in the form of a second happy dick on a different Post-it Note.
“That’s Matthew’s dick if he took a gander at yours,” I assure him.
“Sometimes… I just want to smother you a little bit,” he says as his hands wrap around my throat.
“That’s not smothering, that’s choking. And I only let Gabriel choke me. Your hands are much too petite.”
Jesse squeezes a little to inform me that even petite hands can strangle.
I look down at him. “So, Tarantula-Man, what kind of insect could have killed him?”
“That’s what I was going to talk to you about, but I just… it’s not clicking for me, so I was going to see your thoughts.” He glances at the computer and seems to think for a moment. “I was just… it was a theory, which is why I didn’t mention it to you. Idon’t quite know yet if it’s a foolish one. I mean… you know how hard it’d be? Like ‘Here, little insect, I’m going to walk you over to this man and just gently set you on his shoulder, and please bite him when you arrive.’”
“I bet Matthew would like it if you bit him whenever you arrived,” I say.
He grabs my hair and pulls my head back. “Matthew and I…” He’s so embarrassed that his face is a ghastly shade of red. Do I find enjoyment in his displeasure? Sure do. “I’m… I haven’t…”
“You haven’t been with a man? It’s quite fantastic, huh, Nancy?” I look over at the lady who has branched out a little. Her report is now a fanciful mix of “nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn”s and “mmmmmmmmmmmmm”s.
I turn back to Jesse. “She likes it too, as stated in her report.”
“Her name is not Nancy. And… sometimes… I look over there and I’m afraid she’s dead.”
“Well, if she dies, you can just roll her right into a drawer. Save the family money on getting her to the morgue,” I say.
“That might be some of the darkest shit you’ve ever said,” Jesse decides.
“Thank you. Don’t pretend I’ve forgotten about our Matthew discussion.”
“Well, try.”
“Fine. What do you say, Tarantula-Guy?”
“I think it’d be extremely unlikely for the killer to have used an insect, honestly. I mean… we have his bee allergy but I don’t think it’s significant enough.”
“So no insects… what about other animals?”
“I’m thinking. How about when you’re at the zoo, you get me a list of all of the animals there that could possibly kill a man? Their scientists will be able to run through that list and describe each animal with ease while it’d take me all day.”
“Sure, sure. I’ll put Matthew at the top of the list of venomous creatures.”
“You do that,” he says as he shoos me away from his computer. Really, he is far too unfair when I’m clearly trying to help him get laid and join the wonderful world of men.
I walk out and nearly run into Gabriel, which causes me to immediately wrap my arms around him. It’s like an automatic response.
“I was just coming down to collect you. Jesse said you were pestering the body,” Gabriel says while he pats me. Each pat rejuvenates me. He pulls back before anyone can catch us displaying affection in the workplace.
“No, I was playing Cupid and he was getting all fussy.”
“Cupid?” Matthew asks from who the fuck knows where. I swear if Jesse’s name is involved in anything, he pops out of nowhere to stuff his nose into it. “Jesse? Wait… what did you say?”
“Liam said he was inviting me to be a third, and I told him I’d only bite if he got me a house,” Jesse says as he comes out of the medical examiner’s office to stuff his nose into shit as well.
“Oh?” Gabriel asks. “And are you buying Jesse a house?” He eyes me.
“I will buy my sweet Gabriel anything. So if you’d like to give Jesse a house, I will buy him a house at the North Pole so he can hurry those results along.”
