Emotions? I don’t have emotions. I’m a monster and monsters don’t have feelings. Jesse was right, I’m just like Whitaker.
“We need to get you out of those wet clothes,” Jesse urges from where he’s sitting in the back beside me. I think he came back here in the hope of helping me, but I don’t want anyone near me.
“I’m fine. I wasn’t under the water that long,” I say, knowing I deserve whatever discomfort life throws at me.
“Liam, stop,” Jesse says as he reaches for me. I don’t realize how tightly I’ve had my fists clenched, letting my nails bite into my skin because I want to punish myself, until he forces me to let go. “He’ll be okay.”
“You don’t know that. I fucked up.”
“You didn’t. You’re not invincible, no matter how much you think you are! You’ve gotten further with this than anyone ever has! Whitaker has killed for so many fucking years and you’re the first person who has ever even gottencloseto him.”
“Close? I’ve done nothing! I’ve solved nothing! All I’ve done is fuck up, and Gabriel paid the price for it. He’s going to die. Everything good in my life dies because I deservenothing.”
“Knock it the fuck off,” Matthew shouts. “Stop degrading yourself. I’ve known you for years, and this is the first time I’ve ever seen you at a happy point in your life. Don’t throw it all away because someone else hurt Gabriel.”
I don’t answer because I’m done. I don’t want to hear their words. I don’t want to listen to them. I just want to kill Whitaker and then step away from Gabriel so I can never get him hurt again.
Jesse starts wrapping napkins around my hands in an attempt to stop the bleeding.
“If you’re going to blame anyone, blame me,” he says.
I ignore him as well. What good would blaming him do? He’s not who I want. Blaming him won’t satisfy this anger tearing through me.
Jesse asks, “Liam, do you have the number for Gabriel’s parents? I’ll call them.”
“I can call them and tell them that I got their son hurt,” I say as I pull my phone out and hit Mabel’s number.
He huffs. “You did not get him hurt. We’re headed to Westfield.”
“Hello?” Mabel answers.
“Mabel, Gabriel’s being transported to the Westfield ER. There was an explosion at a crime scene, and I believe some shrapnel from the bomb pierced his side. It’s my fault he was put in such a situation?—”
“Is he okay?” she asks, immediately sounding anxious.
“We’re not at the hospital yet. I’m sorry. This was all my fault.”
“Honey, it’s not your fault. Gabriel loves his job, and he loves his ability to save people. He’ll be okay, alright? I’ll be there soon. I’ll be there.”
I don’t know what else to say to her, so I hang up and drop the phone on my wet lap where I proceed to stare at it.
Matthew pulls into a parking spot and tugs me inside by wrapping a hand around my wrist. His grip tightens when I think about turning around and leaving, but he manages to get me inside the ER and up to the front where he greets a nurse.
“His boyfriend, Gabriel Hyde, was just brought in via ambulance. I think he could also use some medical attention, but I’m sure he wants to see Gabriel first.”
“Right this way,” the woman says as she opens the door for me, telling me it’s not good if she’s willing to send me back so quickly. The ER never moves quickly unless it’s really bad.
“Matthew, go,” I tell him, not deserving to be by Gabriel’s side.
“Go, dammit,” Jesse snaps at me. “Do you think you should punish yourself for everyone who has been hurt or died in your life? Go.”
I follow the nurse back to a room where a team is bustling around Gabriel.
“Go stand over by his head,” the nurse urges before going to get the doctor to speak to me.
I don’t want to. I just keep seeing my dead mother lying there. My father who I also couldn’t save… I keep feeling that loss and I don’t know what to do with it. I thought I destroyed these wretched emotions that revolved around their deaths.
The doctor comes in, introduces himself, and explains, “We have the bleeding under control. He’s stable, but we’re going to have to get this surgically repaired. We’re prepping the OR at the moment, and I’m thinking he’ll be out and into recovery within an hour. I know it looks serious because of the blood loss, but he’ll be okay.”
