‘Would you like to hold her?’ the nurse asked again.
‘I think I would.’ Her voice no more than a whisper, as she sat in the chair placed by the side of Sahara’s crib.
‘That’s it, love, get comfy.’
Ruby shifted on the plastic-coated chair and did as she was asked. Then, without too much planning and none of the gentle, hesitant care that she had assumed might be the nature of the task, the nurse lifted Sahara from her crib with confidence. Handling her as if she were robust. The woman, adept at the task, managed not to tangle the many wires and tubes as she did so.
The nurse checked the baby over before placing the tiny doll-like creature in Ruby’s arms and tucking a soft, pale blue blanket around her, to keep her snug.
‘Oh!’ Ruby stared at her daughter, whose eyes were closed, sleeping. Her narrow chest, tiny, tiny fingers, all so impossibly small! The weight in her arms, negligible.
‘Hello, you, hello, darling!’ Lowering her face, she inhaled the scent of her daughter. She placed her cheek against the top of her bobble hat and felt the warmth.
‘Hello, it’s me, your Mama,’ she whispered.
There might have been a tiny flicker on her baby's face, movement of some kind. It was hard to tell, but, either way, Ruby knew this was the most precious fifteen minutes of her entire life, and how very thankful she was for the chance!
‘I love you, Sahara, and I'm so sorry it took me so long to be here. I want to tell you that we are going to do so many great things.’ As her daughter lay in her arms, Ruby allowed herself to imagine a different ending to the story for them both. ‘Weare going to have the best time together. I’m always going to be so proud that you’re mine. I’m going to take your hand and show you the park. We can feed the ducks and walk along the canal.’ It was then that her voice broke, and her tears came. ‘I’ll help you through your days at school and those tricky teenage years, when girls can be cruel, and boys can be tough to figure out and life can feel a little overwhelming. I know it was for me. You never have to worry about a thing, because I’m your Mama and I’ll be right here for you. You can tell me anything and I will always believe you. I’ll make you feel better when that boy breaks your heart.’
Ruby, sobbing now, sniffed at her tears, not wanting her vision clouded, not wanting a single moment of this interaction spoiled. ‘Your daddy, Marvin. He's a really, really good man, a great man with kindness running through his bones. One of those people who does the right thing, and, even though he and I might not work out, he will always do the right thing by you, by me too. I can see that now.’ Ruby paused and lifted her baby girl higher until she was almost resting on her chest. It was easier to smell her, see her and feel her. ‘I want you to know that your little life might not have been planned, but you are no less longed for. And no less loved.’
Sahara lay still, like a tiny dormouse, at peace, contented, safe in her arms. It was wondrous to see, to feel. ‘When you were in my tummy, I used to lie in bed and run my hand over the bump you formed, telling myself that you were an absolute miracle. I was never going to give up the chance to be your mummy. And I am your mummy, Sahara, I’ll always be your mummy! Whatever comes next, I will always be your mummy, and you will always be my baby girl.’
It was then that emotion threatened to overwhelm her, and Ruby felt a slight shake to her body, understanding that her time was coming to an end.
‘I will see you again, my sweet child. My daughter. My first born. You are a little piece of my heart. And if ever you’re not near me or can’t see me or touch me, then know it will be like a bit of me is missing. Until I see you again, Sahara, until I see you again…’
With a jolt, Ruby found herself back at the table in the kitchen where there was a chill in the air. Placing her head on the cradle of her arms, she cried. These tears felt different, as they were flavoured with relief.
‘Ruby?’ – her mum stood in the doorway in her dressing gown – ‘Whatever is the matter child?’ Her mother walked over and palmed circles on her back, just the proximity making her feel better, in the way it did with mothers and daughters, a connection most precious, unbreakable.
Ruby buried her head in her mother’s hold as her mum took her in her arms.
‘There, there, baby girl, it’s all right…’
‘We may encounter many defeats, Mumma, but we must not be defeated.’
‘Amen!’ her mother smiled. ‘Amen.’
‘I need to live for both of us, Mum. I need to live for myself, and for Sahara too. She never got the chance, but I will live for us both. I’m going to follow my dreams and do it for us both!’
‘What are you going to do, Ruby?’ her mother took the seat opposite her at the small, square table.
‘I’m going to apply for a place at university. I’m going to chase it all. I’m going to try.’
‘Ruby!’ Her mum reached out and took her hands into her own, ‘I am so happy right now! It’s like my old Ruby is back! Youcando it all, darling! I believe in you. What a change! How have you made this decision, how did you get here?’
‘Oh, Mum, it sounds crazy!’ – Ruby wiped her tears on the back of her hand – ‘But would you believe I got here in a taxi, driven by a man called Chen?’
Chapter Five - Verity Louise Clarke
Aged 36
Morningside, Edinburgh
Verity collapsed her umbrella, shook off the droplets and rested it in the corner of the waiting room, knowing she would undoubtedly need it at the end of the day. Having stomped her sturdy brogues on the welcome mat, she tousled her short, damp hair with her fingers.
‘Quick, the boss is in, look busy!’
