‘I’m not sure, but a while ago.’
‘How long, Archie? A month, three months, a year?’
It felt important, to know at what point he had emotionally pulled the plug on them and for how long he had been pretending. The thought was enough to make her quietly retch again, as she swallowed the bile that rose in her throat.
‘I guess, since not long after Evie was born.’
‘Hooooooh.’ Gripping the edge of the granite countertop, she let out a strange sound, as if the air had been squeezed from her lungs. This was not what she had expected, wondering when in recent times he had fallen out of love with her, but Evie was now six years old, which meant he had been pretending for a very long time. Going through the motions as they finished renovating the house, chose paint colours, while she built the business with Guy, and they picked a nursery and then a school, while they took holidays, did laundry, ate supper, drank coffee, saw friends, made love, all of it a lie.All of it ...She gave a small nod of understanding, having waited for this moment, this revelation, this dismantling of all she had held dear since ... since they had first met, when she feared she would be discovered, outed as a fraud, rejected as just not good enough.
Now she stared at her feet, because everything she had thought was solid, everything she had taken for granted, now needed to be questioned, even the ground beneath her. She fully expected a large hole to appear and swallow her life whole.
‘That’s – that’s a long time.’ She met his gaze.
‘I thought it might get better, thought I might fall in love with you again.’
‘I don’t think it works like that.’
‘No. I don’t think it does. I just didn’t want to upset you, didn’t want to ...’ He ran out of words.
‘Didn’t want toupsetme?’
The irony wasn’t lost on her, as tears sheeted her face.
Her next thought was to call Guy, to go to Guy’s flat, to nab his spare room and howl into his shoulder after tucking Evie up on the back seat and telling her it was an adventure, before she remembered that Guy was busy with his wife and the Bens, preoccupied in his baby bubble. And of course there was no spare room, now that Ben baby had arrived and it was his nursery. She pictured the file with the paperwork in it, knowing Guy too had kept secrets, wanted to make Ada a partner, all discussed and set in motion behind her back. She wondered then if Guy and Archie chatted openly; were they aware that the other was lying to her,pretending?
‘Shit!’ She felt the cloak of loneliness and desolation wrap tightly about her shoulders.
‘I am sorry, Ash.’ Archie spoke as on unsteady legs she made her way across the large kitchen.
‘For what?’ she asked over her shoulder as she paused at the door, leaning on the frame for support.
‘All of it.’ He placed his splayed palm over his mouth and spoke through his fat fingers. ‘All of it.’
Walking up the stairs to go and read to Evie, it took all of her strength to put one foot in front of the other. One thing was certain: Ashleigh knew she had never felt less golden in her whole life. She pictured her family, crammed into her parents’ sitting room earlier, watching her dad open his gifts, teasing each other, the kids huddled together, arms and legs overlapping, and the air weighted with love. It made her cry all over again, wishing she had stayed right there in that place that had once been her home, before she’d started at the school that had set her apart and made her chase a life that was not really hers. How could it be? A life that was now being taken away from her, just as she had always expected. And wishing she could go back to exam day and be stronger, speak louder, let Remy wear the crown, while she slunk off to Milton Road with Tony Newman, because then it might be her at home with Midgeand her sister standing at the foot of this grand staircase, trying to figure out how to keep climbing.
Not that she’d wish this feeling on Remy; not that she’d wish it on anyone.
Remy
‘Hey, Mum.’ Remy called before climbing the stairs to bed. ‘Just wanted to thank you for a lovely day, and I’m sorry about the whole table mix-up thing. Obviously my fault, and I feel dreadful about it, but I think everyone had a lovely day.’
‘I don’t think Ashleigh minded. In fact, she seemed to like tucking into her chicken!’
‘And Dad, whose birthday it was, didhemind?’ She did her best to find the humour in it, how quickly her mum had zeroed in on Queen Ashleigh. Not that it was her sister’s fault, and it had truly been so good to spend some time together, just the two of them. The echo of their conversation about coming clean was still in her mind. She hoped they’d put the subject to bed, unable to imagine the damage a revelation like that might cause and feeling shame at this truth.
‘Oh, you know your dad. Doesn’t mind much, doesn’t like a fuss.’
She pictured the look of delight on his face when the prospect of a KFC in the lounge had first been suggested and smiled.
‘Yep, anyway, bedtime for me, but thank you for a great day, Mum. It was nice.’
‘I told Ashleigh that next time she should bring Archie if he’s not working, and they can stay. We got rid of the bed to make space for storage, but I’ve got the blow-up mattress that we got for Auntie Joan’s back when she had to sleep on the floor at Jane and Angelo’s wedding, do you remember?’
Remy didn’t remember, could scarcely place Auntie Joan, one of her mother’s cousins who apparently had a dicky back, but was too tired to listen to what she suspected might be a convoluted explanation in which she had only the tiniest bit of interest.
‘Oh yes, yes I do.’ The lie was swift, tasted of guilt, and yet was preferable to having to hear Auntie Joan’s life story.
‘I told her we could put that on the floor of her old room, and she and Archie can sleep there, and Evie can go on the single in your room. It’d be cosy for one night.’
