‘I’m not sure what coming clean now would serve?’ Remy pulled her from the thought.
‘Peace? It sometimes wakes me up in the early hours – often, in fact. It’s the thing I’m most ashamed of, the thing I’vealwaysbeen most ashamed of, because I didn’t deserve the place and I’ve always had this feeling, ever since, that I don’t deserve my life!’
‘Wow! Ash! That’s – that’s huge!’ Remy stared at her, open-mouthed.
‘Tell me about it.’
‘You deserveallof your life! You’ve worked so hard, and we both know you would have passed, passed easily. Of course you would!’ Remy spoke emphatically. ‘I think that’s another way I justify it, don’t let it eat me up, because, without doubt, you would have passed it anyway.’
‘But I didn’t, did I?’ The shame of her ten-year-old self wrapped her every word. ‘It looms larger when I’ve got other stuff going on. You know how that works.’ Remy nodded. ‘This thing at work, it’s really thrown me, and Evie and I’ – Ashleigh didn’t want to go into detail; it was too painful, too exposing to admit she feared her child didn’t like her that much – ‘and I kind of wonder if maybe by righting this big wrong, things will start getting on track for me!’
‘I’m sorry things are a bit rough for you. I hate that. But I don’t know how I feel about telling everyone. Mum and Dad ...’ Her twin looked out of the window and spoke slowly, as if considering the outcomes. ‘I think they’d be angry, yes, but gutted too. And actually, I can cope with them being angry, but the thought of them feeling hurt ...’ Remy turned to face her. ‘You’re golden, Ashleigh. I think they’d bereallyupset, but, like Midge, not so much about the exam, but how long we’ve kept it from them, and I don’t want that for them. And selfishly, I don’t want to deal with the fallout of it all. Midge and Idon’thave secrets!’
‘Apart from this one,’ she reminded her.
‘Yep, apart from this one. Oh God!’ Remy rubbed her eyes.
Ashleigh felt bad for bringing it to her sister’s door, for wiping away her smile, for replacing the lovely atmosphere with growing tension. ‘Look, just forget I mentioned it.’ It was too much, the thought of distressing her parents, creating a bow wave and leaving Remy to face it, even causing trouble between her and Midge. ‘Just forget it. I was having a moment.’ Ashleigh figured it was probably better to let sleeping dogs lie, understanding she really was probably just reacting to the whole Guy thing.
‘Well, nowIfeel really bad! Like I’m saying youcan’ttell them, and I’m not saying that, not at all. I just—’
‘It’s okay, Rem. Honestly, please just forget it. Come on, let’s get this feast back to the birthday boy.’
‘Yep.’ Remy lifted one of the heavy bags.
‘Do you think Mum might have calmed down a bit?’
‘No chance.’
They both laughed loudly in response, laughter that wasn’t entirely natural but felt necessary to cover the conversation they had just had,exactlylike putting leaves over a body in the forest, knowing it would do the job for a bit, but ultimately they’d blow away, exposing the crime.
And all Ashleigh could do was wait.
Remy
Remy unclipped her seat belt as Ashleigh pulled up outside their parents’ house. She was almost reluctant to get out of the snazzy Land Rover, where the seats were about as comfortable as her sofa. This was also the perfect place to talk, just the two of them. Even though it now felt very much like they had unfinished business. It had never occurred to her that her sister might want to come clean about the exam. The thought of it put the fear of God into her, and she was genuinely worried about her parents’ reaction, and knew Midge would, understandably, see it as a betrayal. Her whole failure to get to St. Jude’s had been one of their running jokes for as long as she could remember. The idea that he might not be able to get past it, that she might lose her love, her protector ... she felt her heart beat a little too fast, and there it was, that gunshot in her mind:Oi!
Her head spun.
Ashleigh was clearly going through something, and she wished they had more time. As was always the case, Remy felt guilty for having dreaded her visit when it was clear to her that despite this very fancy car and the mansion awaiting her in London, there was an underlying sadness to her sister’s words. She couldn’t imagine not feeling at home in her own house, or not wanting to be wherever Midge was.
‘You know it goes both ways: you can talk to me whenever you need to. Any time. It was nice when you called me, crying, this week.’
‘Oh, cheers!’
‘No – you know what I mean; not nice you were crying, but it was nice for me to know you’d call me when you needed me.’
Ashleigh nodded. ‘As I mentioned, I’ve got a lot going on.’
‘Yep, I got about half of it. You weren’t making much sense, and it was hard to make out your words through all the sniffing and sobbing, but something about a dog called Ben, and Guy pissing you off at work.’
‘Succinctly put.’ Her sister thumbed the diamond eternity that was wedged on her finger under her wedding ring and the diamond engagement ring that was so big, Sophie, as a little one, had asked if it was a lump of ice. ‘So you know who Guy is?’
‘Yes, bit posh, has a wife you don’t like?’ Remy remembered he had been good to chat to on the occasions when their paths had crossed at Evie’s christening, and the housewarming.
‘I wouldn’t say I don’t like her.’
‘So you do like her?’ Remy pushed.
