Her chest heaved, and her breath came in short bursts.
‘You don’t have to do it, you don’t have to do anything!’ Remy tried to placate her, placing her hand on her arm. ‘You’re shaking!’
‘I think I might be sick.’
‘You sure you don’t want me to get someone to call Mum?’ Remy exhaled, her tone now edged with panic that echoed her sister’s.
‘No! Please don’t! Please! I’vegotto do it, haven’t I? And the last thing I want is Mum coming here to give me one of her talks about how great everything is going to be and asking me to name the capital cities of Europe. I need to try and figure it out.’
‘It will be okay, Ash.’
Ashleigh wasn’t sure she believed her. ‘I’ve worked really hard – Iwantto go to St. Jude’s. I do! I want to go there more than anything! I just ...’ Tears sheeted her face, leaving two snotty streaks that snaked their way towards her mouth. ‘I just can’t go and do it. I can’t!’
‘Oh, Ash!’ Remy’s face was contorted, as if it were hard for her to understand or to know how to fix it. Ashleigh understood; hersister seemed fairly ambivalent about the whole thing, supremely confident in her smarts and certain she would ace the exam. She aced every exam. They both did.
It was no coincidence that out of the fifty-six pupils in their school year, only four of them had been put forward to take the entrance exam.
‘The thought of not doing it makes me feel better.’ Ashleigh slumped down then on to the toilet, as if her bones, made soft with fear, could no longer support her.
Squatting down, Remy wrapped her mirror image in a loose hug. ‘It’ll be okay. Don’t cry.’
‘It won’t though, will it?’ Ashleigh looked up at her twin, tears flowing over cheeks mottled with distress. ‘It changes everything!’
‘I don’t know if it does.’ Her sister’s contorted expression suggested she was wrestling with this. ‘We’re only ten, we don’t know how things are going to turn out.’
‘Mummy said she blinked when she was ten, and the next minute she was twenty! And so does that mean you blink and then you’re forty and then sixty?’
Remy laughed. ‘Then eighty!’ She giggled because even in this dire moment it was too funny, and Ashleigh understood this too; it was impossible to imagine being an old, old lady of forty, let alone eighty.
‘What are you going to do? You can’t stay in the loo all day.’
‘I’m going to hide.’ It was as if the plan formed as the words left her mouth. ‘I’m ... I’m going to hide in the mower shed.’
‘But ...’ Again Remy looked at a loss as to what to say to make it all better.
‘Please, Remy, don’t tell them, don’t tell anyone.’
‘I don’t want you to get into trouble.’
‘I don’tcareif I get into trouble,’ she lied, ‘and I’d rather get into trouble than have to do the exam.’
‘Shall I stay with you? Would you like me to hide with you? I will!’
‘No!’ Ashleigh shook her head, unsure of many things, and touched by her sister’s willingness to go along with her crazy plan, but adamant she didn’t want Remy to miss out on a place at St. Jude’s too. ‘Please go and do the exam and pass it, like we know you can, and then go to that great school and get a house with four spare bedrooms and mix with fancy people who buy concrete and don’t sell concrete.’
‘I wouldn’t mind selling concrete.’ Her sister spoke softly, earnestly.
‘I’d mind you selling concrete.’
‘I can’t imagine not going to school with you.’ Remy’s voice cracked.
‘It will be okay, little dove.’ Ashleigh wrapped her in a brief, tight hug. ‘It’ll be okay. Let’s go to morning lessons and then, when the early bell goes and we’re let out, I’ll go and hide in the mower shed and come out when the minibus has gone, when it’s too late for me to get to St. Jude’s.’
‘You’ve still got time to change your mind and come along. You might feel better in a bit, and decide you can do it after all, and that would be great!’ It was the closest her sister had come to trying to sway her decision.
‘Yes, I might.’ Ashleigh smiled, knowing she would not change her mind, not at all, because unlike other tests, this felt different. The thought of failing, of letting everyone down ... it was preferrable not to try, easier. She was also aware, however, of the need to give Remy this little hook on which to hang her hope, something that would help them both get through the morning. ‘You go into class. I’m just going to wash my face and I’ll be straight in.’
‘Okay, Ash.’ Remy took her time, stood slowly, and unlocked the cubicle door, as if unsure if leaving her sister alone was the right thing to do. ‘I love you, little dove,’ she whispered.
