‘What happened?’ Ashleigh took a seat at the kitchen table, thankful her mum was aware enough to give them this time alone.
‘Not sure how far to go back.’ Her sister abandoned the tea making and took the seat opposite her. Ashleigh noticed her grey, baggy T-shirt with a food stain on the front.
‘As far as you need to. You’ve kind of dropped off the radar, I hardly ever hear from you.’ She swallowed the emotion that threatened.
‘And I hardly hear from you.’
Touché.
To speak of their distance out loud was like peeling off a plaster, and she didn’t necessarily want either of them to have to face what lurked beneath. It felt a little shameful, the lack of contact, the ebbing of the closeness that had always been their foundation, until it wasn’t.
‘It’s felt easier to just’ – Remy looked skyward as if searching for the words, and she understood, knowing it was indeedeasier to just –‘deal with it all on my own.’ Remy rubbed her face in the way she did when she was tired.
‘Deal with what? Tell me.’ Ashleigh reached across the tabletop and took her sister’s hands into her own. The same hands.One egg ... split in two ...
‘Since the thing with Tony, I haven’t been myself.’ Remy spoke softly.
‘That’s understandable, it was terrible.’ Just to remember that night, the phone call, the fear leaping in her throat at all the awful possibilities.
‘It was.’ Her sister freed her hands and ran her fingers through her short hair. ‘Jamie was like, I don’t know how to phrase it, a staging post, a place to rest. It was like I was made of sand and a big, powerful wave had come along and flattened me and he scooped me up and saved me for a bit, or at least I thought he had.’
Ashleigh bit her lip, not wanting to add her less than favourable commentary, staying silent to enable Remy to talk and to talk openly.
‘I was able to forget about what happened when I was with him, because we were either sloshed or laughing. He made me feelsafe, physically safe. I knew if I was walking around with him then no one was going to hurt me.’
‘Oh, little dove.’ The admission of her sister’s state of fear was enough for her to feel the sting of tears at the back of her nose and throat.
‘I didn’t really mind where we lived, what we did or didn’t have, none of it. And then getting pregnant, well,’ – Remy took a deep breath – ‘it felt like a sign. I didn’t exactly have a plan. It was as if the universe was telling me this was how to lead my life; I was going to be a wife and mother and I was certain I could make a go of it.’
‘But?’
‘But Jamie was bored, I could tell. Not his fault, not really, he’s just not, not ready. And he’s not, erm ...’
‘Not for you?’ She finished the sentence.
‘Apparently not.’ Remy let this trail. ‘He went out most nights with his mates, like he always had, and I’m certain he was sleeping around. Which, funnily enough, meant I didn’t want to sleep with him at all. It was the opposite of making me feel secure.’
‘God.’ Ashleigh could barely hide her disgust.How dare he?
‘Actually, that wasn’t the worst thing. It was the lies; telling me he’d be home in an hour and then coming back after six hours. Saying he would eat, so I’d cook, then announcing he’d already eaten. Staring at me as if I was mad when I suggested he had been with other women, when I could see it, could sense it.’ She swallowed. ‘And then, a couple of days ago, I just, I had enough. I felt like I was losing my mind. He was making me crazy! And being holed up in the flat with Sophie and no one to talk to. Arguing round and round in circles, never getting anywhere. Worrying about Tony, not seeing you, Jamie being a shit, it all just ...’ – she paused – ‘I’m so tired.’
‘Oh, Rem!’
‘So here I am, and I’m not sure what comes next, but I’ll figure it out.’ She sat up straight.
‘Of course you will! You are the smartest, the most beautiful, you will figure it out, and I know that it must feel like you’ve veered off course right now—’
‘Just a bit.’
‘But it won’t always feel that way. I promise.’ She hoped this wasn’t a lie. ‘We need to keep in closer contact. I don’t ever want you to feel like you’re holed up with no one to talk to, not ever. I’m always there for you. Or I want to be.’ This she added, aware of how little they had seen of each other.
‘Thanks.’ Remy held her eyeline. ‘It’s tricky, though, isn’t it, when you’re in London and doing so much and are busy. I don’t feel like I want to disturb you, and I don’t feel like, like you get it a lot of the time.’
It was an accusation that stung, partly because there was truth in it. Ashleighwasalways so busy anddidn’treally get it, but this was not the time to defend her position. Remy was raw, vulnerable and any discourse could wait.
‘I want to get it. I do. You need to tell me, and you are never disturbing me. You’re my twin sister.’
On cue, the sound of sweet murmuring came from the baby monitor.
