‘I notice we never sit in Dad’s chair,’ Ashleigh pointed out, as they both looked at the seat at the table that would forever be where Dennis had tucked into his toast in the morning, his sandwich for lunch and his shepherd’s pie for supper.
‘It doesn’t matter how many times I walk through that door, I still expect to hear him call hello to me.’ She wondered if this would ever cease to be, kind of hoping not, as she could hear him loud and clear whenever she arrived.
‘Me too. Mum seems to be doing okay; older, yes, but managing. I know how much you do for her.’ Her words seemed tinged with guilt that she wasn’t close enough to help more, to relieve her burden of care. Not that it was a burden to Remy, not at all.
‘She is, she’s great. And it’s just part of my routine, always has been, really. I don’t mind.’
Ashleigh drew breath, took her time; Remy got the feeling that what came next had been long cued up on her tongue. ‘Do you think – do you think he forgave me, Rem?’
‘Dad?’
‘Yes.’
‘Forgave you for what?’
‘For letting him down, lying to him. Mum said I’d made her look stupid.’
‘She saidwe’dmade her look stupid,’ Remy clarified.
‘You’re right, but that doesn’t make me feel much better. I hate the thought that he never quite got over it, that it sat like a thing between us.’ Ashleigh’s words seemed to almost choke her as she spoke. She coughed to clear her throat.
‘He wasn’t like that. Not that kind of man. You know that,’ Remy reasoned.
‘I do. I just wish – wish that I’d apologised again, helped him understand our reasoning. I wish that I’d met Victor sooner so that he could have known Dad, and vice versa. I wish I’d given more time to Evie when she was little. So many things.’
‘We all do that, Ash. I wish I’d run a mile from Jamie Aller, but still got Soph, I wish I’d met Midge sooner, wish I’d not gone out that night with Tony, wish we’d stayed in and danced in my bedroom.’ She looked up to the room that was overhead as her shoulder twinged on cue. ‘I wish he wasn’t sick now, wish Dad was still here. But it’s pointless, isn’t it? It’s just another way of regretting things, trying to rewrite our lives, and that’s futile. What’s done is done and we are where we are. We’re far better off looking forward and accepting what we can change, what we can do.’
‘Yep.’
‘And you know Dad would have loved Victor – we all love Victor! Married life suits you.’ It did. Ashleigh was calmer, smilier, since she had become Mrs Perera almost two years ago now. A quiet ceremony without guests in Sardinia, it sounded blissful. And it had made Remy laugh; her parents had, after all, predicted the destination.
‘You’re right, of course you are, but I can’t help it. And I do love being married to Victor. He’s so nice to me!’
‘As he should be! It makes me mad that might not have always been your experience.’
‘I know that feeling. I remember being so angry that you’d settled for Jamie.’
‘Yet it didn’t put you off him entirely ...’ she teased. It was harsh but funny.
‘Please let’s not go there!’ Her sister blushed and changed the subject. ‘I know you’ll be upset about Tony. How’s he doing?’
‘Midge spoke to Raul earlier. Not so good.’ A tear bloomed and trickled down her cheek.
‘That’s rotten, Rem.’ Her sister ran her fingers over the tabletop. ‘Do you remember the morning of the exam? Sitting here with Mum asking us questions, testing us.’
‘God, I’d forgotten that! She used to do it all the time!’ Remy laughed to be reminded of the memory; it was nice to have the mood lightened.
‘Random questions about geographical locations or our times tables!’ Ashleigh shook her head. ‘My God, the pressure!’
‘I didn’t feel it, not really,’ she admitted.
‘Well, that much I do know.’
Remy pictured the morning, eating breakfast, then their mum driving them to school so they didn’t have to get the bus because it was a special, special day.
‘Some of the happiest times in my life were when we were little and shared that tiny bedroom, I loved going to sleep and waking up knowing you were right there.’ It was true; being in close proximity to her twin had made her feel safe in a way that had been lacking until she’d met Midge.
Ashleigh took her time responding. ‘Those years when we didn’t chat much, when we were sulking’ – Remy smiled at this description of the great chasm into which they’d fallen – ‘it was awful. I never felt whole. I hated it.’
