‘How’re you feeling?’ She kept her voice low and soft.
‘I’m just excited, so excited! Jim’s in the shower. I’ve seen his speech, it’s not too bad, had to make a few changes, remove the odd anecdote. I didn’t think Nan would appreciate the tale of me trying to wax my arse, that kind of thing.’
‘Probably wise.’ She smiled.
‘I’m looking forward to the day, Mum.’ He bit his lip, and double blinked.
‘But?’ She turned to face him.
‘But I’m really, really missing my dad.’
‘Oh, love.’ She retook his hand and held it tightly. ‘Me too. But you know what, he’d say don’t let sadness cloud this special day. He’d say that to both of us, he’d say, dance and laugh and make the best memories!’ She knew he’d mean every word of it. ‘I’ve come to realise that the lovely memories we have ofhim, they’re everything, and even though he’s not here, we have joy ahead of us, so much joy! There’s room in our hearts for everything we’ve already experienced, and everything that is still to come. It’s magic.’
‘I know you’re right.’ He held her hand with equal pressure. ‘I know he’s dead. I know I can’t see him. But it’s like I think I might bump into him or he’s working away or the reason he’s not with me is because of logistics or circumstances and not because he can’t and never will be with me again. But on days like this, moments like this, the big stuff, when I look up and he’s not around, that’s when I realise that it’s real. He’s actually gone, because if he could, he’d be here, wouldn’t he?’
‘He absolutely would, but he was always so proud of you and today is no exception. He’d be so proud of you, Aiden.’
‘Yep.’ He let go of her hand and wiped his nose on the back of his arm. ‘This has come around quick, hasn’t it?’
Staring out over the valley below, she did her best not to cry. The third time today she had felt the urge to give in to the emotion that threatened, understanding that, just like Jonathan, no matter where her boy lived or what direction his life took him in, he would always be her son.
Yes, it had gone quick.
‘Nearly there! One more push, Enya, that’s it, lovey! One more... that’s smashing. Oh, here he is, a boy, you’ve got a lovely little boy!’
Too quick.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Enya smiled at the excited high-pitched chatter she could hear loud and clear floating under the door of the bathroom as she cleaned her teeth. Slowly, she applied her lipstick, taking care to blend it with the lip brush as she listened to Iris’s bridesmaids, who sounded positively giddy. It only helped build the lovely atmosphere.
She had to confess it felt a little odd, being in this pleasant yet strange environment, interacting with people she barely knew, alone in this minute, on her son’s wedding day. This was his home, yet she didn’t know where to find a mug for coffee, or where his bedroom was, or even if there was a number for a landline. There was a lack of familiarity quite alien when it came to her child, who for most of his life had been within reach. This was a new era and one in which she was certain he would thrive!
As would she.
She thought of Jonathan’s mother who had, throughout their married life, been a little cool, a little off, wondering now if Granny Brown had felt the same level of redundancy that had dogged her in recent months. The confusing tumble of emotions where delight at what lay ahead for her boy was edged with the fear of being forgotten, even if only a little bit. Not that she would ever havebeen remote and judgemental like her own mother-in-law, never that. In fact, she looked forward to growing closer to Iris. This in turn made her think of Holly, who had predicted this very thing.
Of one thing she was sure: it was time. Time to build her own life, looking forward instead of back. Enya blotted her mouth on a tissue and stared at the face in the mirror.
‘Enya Brown...’ She reached out and ran her finger over the face looking back at her. ‘That’s who I am. I’m Enya Brown. And I have a whole lot of life ahead of me!’
Enya smiled. Saying it out loud anchored her, reminded her of who she was, what she was worth and what she still had to look forward to.
‘Mum!’ She started as Aiden called, interrupting her thoughts, knocking forcefully on the door. ‘Auntie Angela, Uncle Frank and Nan and Grandad are here. I’ve just found them a seat and got them a drink. I told them you’d be with them in a minute!’
‘Righto, thanks, love!’
It was the encouragement she needed to get a wiggle on, worrying not only what her sister might be saying but equally who she might be saying it to.
She left the bathroom in her finery, her favourite shoes on her feet, shoes that she had worn countless times when she was on Jonathan’s arm. It helped make him present.
‘Enya, you look gorgeous!’ Iris called from one of the bar stools, where someone seemed to be rubbing a product into the ends of her hair.
‘Thank you! I can’t wait to see your dress.’
‘Not long now! I’ve just sent Aiden and Jim back up to the main house so we can get ready in peace. Also, the plan is that you, Mum, Dad and I will meet at the entrance to the tunnel to go through the walk-in plan and the details.’
‘Walk-in plan?’ Her heart rattled, not only at the thought of being centre stage, but also that she might mess it up, get something wrong and spoil Iris’s vision for her special day.
