‘I understand what you’re saying, but today you’ll watch Iris walk up the aisle, maybe, and she’ll come to rest at the point where Aiden is waiting for her and he’ll take her hand, not mine. They’ll exchange vows, and you’ll feel happy and glad because he’s your son and you love him, and he loves you. I know how much.’
These words a precious gift that Enya would hold tightly.
‘Then later, you’ll hold Iris in your arms, even if only briefly, probably give her a kiss, tell her congratulations, and how beautiful she looks, and I’m sure she will. And even just imagining that, it’s like another knife in my chest. I doubt there’s much more room, to be honest. I look down and I see handles of daggers all over me, I feel their cuts, I feel the throb of the wounds where they have pierced my skin and stay lodged in my flesh, every word he spoke to me, every lie he told me, every promise he made, all of it plays likea movie in my head. And today is a big step towards erasing me. How can it not be? He will have a wife. You will have a daughter-in-law, and both of these roles have been mine for the longest time, within reach, almost.’
Enya found the girl’s words profoundly moving, understanding that feeling of wounds in her chest from which all her sadness might seep, knowing that itwaspossible to heal, to start to take control, to hold the tiller and not to feel quite so petrified about the life that lay ahead, albeit a different life to the one you might have envisaged.
‘I don’t think Aiden lied to you, Holly. And a lot of what you say is true, but even when Iris is part of my family, it won’t erase the fact that you are too and will always be.’
Just like I will always be linked to Jonathan, always be Aiden’s mum, no matter what.
‘Oh, but he did lie to me. He told me we were forever, he told me we had a future, he told me he couldn’t live without me, couldn’t imagine a life without me, but that wasn’t true. I was just a placeholder until Iris came along.’ The young woman raised her voice, asherhurt seeped from her.
‘I am sure he meant every word when he said it, but that’s life. That’s how it works. We can only say how we feel and express what we want in that moment, but none of us knows what is around the corner, and sometimes things or people that we think are meant for us really aren’t, not forever! I stood and made vows to Jonathan and never thought much about thetill death us do partbit. Never thought he’d leave me.’
It was her truth and with it came a new level of clarity, understanding that death had parted them and that meant she was now allowed to feel again, to love again... should the right person come along. Someone like Dominic, knowing that what they shared was indeed a beautiful, bright thing, but no matter howstrong the connection, it was impossible to pursue without causing ripples that had the power to damage, or at the very least confuse the lives of their children.
Enya smiled at the young woman with her whole life stretched in front of her.
‘You’re having his baby, Holly. You will always be the mother of his child, the mother of my grandchild, and I’ve loved you for a very long time, as did Jonathan.’
At this, Holly seemed to calm and take a deep breath. ‘It’s going to be a very strange family. I can’t imagine him leaving his wife to come and see his baby. I can’t imagine me taking the baby to where he and his wife live. I can’t imagine any of it.’
While Enya was aware of Holly’s needs on this difficult day, she needed to get ready. Being late was not an option.
‘You’ve done an amazing job, my love. Thank you.’
She admired Holly’s work as she applied the newly bought mascara to her lashes, liking the way they perked up and lengthened at no more than a touch of this magic wand. Her brows looked on point. She understood the appeal of make-up, yet rarely bothered, quite unable to find the motivation to put it on every day. This day, however, was a special one, and as the mother of the groom, she wanted to look her best, partly so that in years to come she could look back at any photographs of the big day without a shiver of shame, and partly, not that she’d admit it, because she was going to see Dominic.
‘My advice, Holly, would be don’t try and imagine it. Don’t think about it. Just wake up every day and go through the motions until you’re not having to go through the motions anymore, until you’re actually living your life.’ This advice came easily because it was what she had done every day since her husband had died and now understood that it went on, all of it. The wheels kept turning and it was up to her to find those pockets of joy where shecould. ‘You’re young, you’re wonderful and you’re going to be a great mum. You will have a great life. Ababy,Holly!’ She allowed herself to picture the little bundle and felt the spark of excitement fire through her.
‘You sound very certain.’ Holly smiled at her.
‘I am, because I know you, and I know Aiden, and no matter what mistakes have been made or how you have ended up where you’ve ended up, I know in the heart of both of you lies kindness and from that kindness everything else will grow. Trust me.’
‘I do trust you, Enya.’ Holly stood, as if she too were conscious of the time. ‘I’d better let you get ready.’
‘Don’t forget to tell Jenny, thank you for the flowers.’
Holly nodded, and left quietly, and Enya hoped that what she had said was true, that from kindness, everything else would grow...
Chapter Thirty-Two
Wary of crumpling her frock, Enya, in her jeans and a baggy linen T-shirt, carefully laid the pale-blue dress on the back seat, hoping to arrive with it crease free and to get changed just before the ceremony.
She jumped into the driver’s seat and adjusted the rear-view mirror, staring into it in the hope that Jonathan might be there on the back seat on this day of all days, knowing she would give anything for one more glimpse of him, if only to say goodbye...
He wasn’t.
What she did see, though, was the swish of the curtain in Jenny’s lounge, as if someone was watching out of it, quickly hiding when she made her appearance. Still thankful for the gift of flowers, she wished her friend had waved, giving her the opportunity to wave back, to help smooth over the hurt. The flowers really had been the loveliest touch. Enya felt the rise of hope that if her friend had seen fit to send flowers, then maybe she was already slipping down the hate list. And that was good enough.
She pulled out of Mablethorpe Road and felt the tightening of emotion in her throat, her tears hovering near the surface that she managed to keep at bay, just. It had been a standard joke for yearsnow, Maeve commenting how when Aiden and Holly got married, she wanted a seat in the front row, if not to be the maid of honour! Jonathan used to roll his eyes and they had all made light of it. The only question was the role Maeve would play, not whether Aiden and Holly would get married. That was a given. It was true what she had said to Holly, that it was just how life worked, and you never knew what was around the corner.
Aiden’s wedding day without a fanfare on the street in which he had grown up, among the neighbours who had seen him take his first steps, parade in his first school uniform, join cubs, take his cycling proficiency, although the less said about that the better. They’d watched him and Holly fall in love, waved him off to university and welcomed him home with the degree scroll in his clever mitts. They had then stood at the side of a freshly dug grave on a hill with a westerly wind whistling over them and sung a soulful lament, as he had said goodbye to his dad, a man they all loved.
Today there was no bunting, no waving off, no guests in attendance, not that she expected such a thing under the circumstances. But there were also no cards of congratulation, no texts, no smiles of support, nothing, and all because there was no Holly Hudson with her bouquet of lavender with the odd blue thistle and gypsophila. And yet her memories of all of those milestones were still here, lurking in the cracks on the pavement and between the bricks of the cottages, proof that things might change but everything she held dear was still there, if you knew where to look.
If the last few weeks had taught her anything, it was that she couldn’t, as she had assumed, rely on the all-encircling arms of her community, and that their love and friendship, which she had felt in abundance every time she had arrived home, come rain or shine, for the last three decades, had, in fact, been conditional. Anotherreminder that if she couldn’t rely on them then she absolutelyhadto put her hand firmly on the tiller and rely on herself.
