‘I was at Mum and Dad’s, but Mum’s fussing and driving me nuts. I just wanted to come over. Haven’t seen you since you heard the news.’
‘Yes, and wow, it’s some news.’ She borrowed a wow from Angela. ‘It’s wonderful, Holly, really. I know it’s not the most ideal of circumstances and I can’t imagine how much harder it’s made everything, but in time it will only be wonderful.’
‘Maybe.’ Holly looked less than convinced. ‘Have you and Mum had a falling out?’
A simple enough question, which revealed that Jenny might not have been entirely forthright with her daughter. As ever, Enya took Jenny’s lead.
‘Not really, no,’ she forced a smile, ‘it’s just that things are a bit tricky for everyone right now, we’re all getting used to this new state, and trust me, Holly, I wish we didn’t have to.’
‘Do you?’ Holly asked, eyes wide, and Enya could only answer in truth without revealing the torment of having to exist with a foot in both camps, pulled brittle by the effort.
‘I do.’
The girl beamed, as if this was all the inclusivity she needed.
‘I want to ask how you’re feeling, but I’m aware it’s such a rubbish question to be asked when you’re feeling low. What can I say instead?’ She gave it a moment of thought. ‘How about, I’m concerned for how you’re feeling, I’m thinking about you all the time, sending you love.’
‘Thank you, Enya.’
‘I hope it helps, to know that.’
‘It really does.’ The young woman looked up, a chance for Enya to take in the dark half-moons of distress that sat beneath her bloodshot eyes. ‘I thought when he found out I was pregnant, he might want to come back to me. I guess I hoped that.’
‘Of course you did.’ The girl’s words were as pitiful as they were relatable.
‘But he didn’t.’ Holly shook her head and buried her face briefly in Pickle’s fur. ‘I dream he’s still mine, Enya, and there are brilliant moments when I forget what’s happened, and I picture us with the little one, going to the park and playing on the Downs. But when I wake up and he’s not there, it’s like,’ her face screwed up as if even the memory of it were painful, ‘it’s like...’
‘I know.’ Enya bent down and placed her hand on Holly’s knee. ‘I do know. I still get two mugs out in the morning when I makea cup of tea, I order a large cod and chips from the chippy because we always used to share it. I see a shirt and think, ooh I might get that for Jonathan. And I always put a glass of wine next to mine, for him. Lots of little things.’
Holly nodded. ‘I get that. I suppose the difference is that Jonathan would never have left you. He loved you so much.’
Enya felt quite moved by the reminder, conflicted too for the way she had fallen into Dominic’s arms so freely. It only ladled guilt into her veins, which already ran thick with the stuff. Not helped by the fact that it only mirrored Aiden’s actions, his deceit, with which she was less than comfortable.
‘But Aiden isn’t dead, he just doesn’t want me. And I don’t want to say the wrong thing, but it’s harder to understand in some ways, harder for me to get my head around. Not that I want Aiden dead, of course not, but I can’t tell you how much it’s hurt me, the fact that he’s not gone, just gone from me.’ Her words tailed off as tears robbed her of speech.
Enya wondered if Trish might have said something similar had she been party to her conversation with Dominic across this very table. Her gut rolled at the prospect of having to interact with her later.
‘Oh, Holly.’ Enya let her cry and rubbed her leg. ‘I am so sorry, my love, but I’m going to have to go and catch a train,’ she silently prayed the girl didn’t ask where she was heading or why, ‘but you can stay here if you want. There’s no need for you to rush off, just because I have to.’
No sooner had the words left her mouth than she regretted them, entirely unsure of the right thing to do, to say, as again she faltered on the tightrope between supporting this young pregnant girl and loyalty to her son. The boundaries of their relationship had undoubtedly shifted, and she was unsure if she had overstepped them or where Aiden would draw the line. It was new andconfusing, as she figured out how to pave this new path with the girl who was carrying her grandchild, a girl who was more than a little broken.
‘Is that okay?’ Holly perked up.
‘Yup, uh-huh.’ Enya grabbed her handbag, the one Holly and Aiden had bought her. ‘You know where everything is. Help yourself to food, of course. Sit in the garden, nap on the sofa, cuddle Pickle, do whatever you want. Rest. Just shut the door behind you when you leave.’
Holly nodded. ‘I will, thank you, Enya.’
‘Any time – we love you Holly Hudson, Pickle and I. That will never change.’
She watched as Holly’s head fell forward and she cried, almost silently, as if it were a natural state for her of late. It was a desperate and affecting thing to witness, realising in that moment that she had forgotten to add Holly Hudson to the list of people who had slipped or were slipping out of reach, and her heart lurched.
She wished it were possible to fast-forward a few months, to a time when things, hopefully, would have settled a little for Holly. This thought was immediately followed by the realisation that in a few months, Aiden and Iris would be married and Holly would be very pregnant. How would she face it all without Jenny on side? It was an unbearable thought. Enya suddenly felt the pull of exhaustion, realising that this state of high energy, a life with so many moving parts, where chaos seemed to reign, wasn’t going to end any time soon.
‘I really have to go now, my love.’
‘It’s okay.’ Holly sniffed. ‘I’m just going to lie on the sofa with Picks, and sleep.’
‘That sounds like a good idea.’
