Taking a moment, she stared out of the window towards the garden where the peach light of dusk made everything it touched beautiful.
‘I don’t know. We’d stopped on the path briefly, Michelle and I, chatting about nothing much in particular, as I say; we’re not friends and she was talking about her husband who’d gone on a golfing weekend and her kids who were bringing friends home from school and I felt this... this...fearrising inside me.’
She cursed the thickening of her throat and the tears that pricked the back of her eyes.
‘Her words made me,’ she sniffed, ‘made me ask myself, who am I now? Who am I if I’m not mothering Aiden and looking after his schedule and running him to school or picking him up or washing his clothes or a million other things that I liked doing, actually. I liked the connection, the way he needed me.’ She swallowed, aware of delving into her inner monologue and sharing it with this man. ‘And without Jonathan, not a wife anymore, just... me on my own. And my job is ending soon, I had a plan, but...’ She didn’t want to go into the detail of her and Jenny’s split, knowing she’dcry, and she didn’t want that. ‘I guess I don’t know how to be much of the time and that’s terrifying.’
‘I think you are so much more than a wife and mother. I think you’re a wonderful woman who could set the world alight if she so chose. A woman who has the strength to grab any life she wants.’
Enya laughed softly, because it was cheesy, because it was embarrassing how much she was flattered by it and because it came from the mouth of this beautiful man who didn’t really know her at all.
‘I’m not sure about that.’ She sighed.
‘So, have these attacks happened since?’
She nodded. ‘Often at night. I wake and I’m mid-panic – ridiculous, isn’t it, safe in my bed while I feel like the world is ending.’
‘It’s not ridiculous. Not at all. I have insomnia and it’s pretty much for similar reasons. A fear of what comes next. I guess that’s why I asked if you were content?’
They verbally circled back.
‘I suppose if I’m not content then it would be reasonable to assume that I know what I need in order to be so, what themissingthing is that would put a halt to my restlessness.’
‘But you don’t?’ He held her eyeline, curious, interested, and it was nice.
‘I don’t. Not really, not without winding back the clock. And I guess in answer to your question, I’m contentenough.’
‘And that’s all anyone can really ask for, to be content enough.’
‘Ha! I hear your tone, Mr Sutherland.’
‘Well, it’s true! Why do we settle for mediocrity? It’s as if we don’t fully comprehend that this is our one life, not a rehearsal. And that’s pretty much what I’ve come to tell you. I’m aware I’ve already had more than my five minutes.’ He looked up, as if expecting her to end the conversation; she didn’t, lost to the moment andenjoying his company. Moments like this were rare, however. These little pockets of loveliness when she got to feel... got tofeel.‘I’ve been thinking about what you said about us being a non-starter, and I happen to think it was a moment when the stars aligned and the universe delivered what we both wanted, what we needed. Things like this don’t happen to me, I can assure you. It’s like... It’s like you’ve put a spell on me. But in all honesty, it’s not a spell I want to break. I like feeling this way, Enya. And on the day I got the flat, I was already feeling the most overwhelming sense of possibility and then you came along.’ She liked it when he said her name, liked to hear the sound and see the shape of the word on his lips. ‘I feel changed by no more than the prospect of spending time, even a stolen second or two with you. I can’t remember what I used to think about before my head was full of you!’
She stared at him; this was uncharted territory, flattering and unnerving in equal measure.
‘You don’t know me. And I don’t know you, not really.’ Her words in contrast to the sweet nectar of delight that flowed through her veins. She understood how being this open came with consequences, letting the genie out of the bottle. It was a prospect as wonderful as it was frightening.
‘Yet it’s how I feel.’ His gaze was unwavering across the table. ‘How mad is that?’
‘Entirely mad. And again, it’s not enough to upend the lives of our kids for an infatuation, a crush,’ she whispered, words that were easy and made no allowance for the way she studied his face, his skin, wanting to stare at him, to touch him, and for him to touch her.
‘Even madder is the fact that if you gave me the green light, I would take you by the hand and we’d jump in my car and head for my boat.’
Or Borneo... without hesitation...He wanted to take her hand! Her ageing hand where the skin was a little wrinkled, the odd vein popped, and there was the silver scar on her finger from peeling potatoes. A hand that no one held anymore. It sounded wonderful and she wanted so badly to feel his hand on hers, to feel human with this, the most basic yet most meaningful contact.
‘I mean, technically we couldn’t go anywhere just yet,’ he explained. ‘Her name isFoula Girl.’
‘Foula?’ It wasn’t a word she was familiar with.
‘Yes, it’s an island about twenty miles to the west of Shetland. My dad took me there when I was a kid and I dream of spending time there, it’s remote with a beauty in its bleakness. And the most spectacular cliffs.’
‘Foula Girl.’
‘Yes, although she’s a long way from home, holed up in a boatyard in Trowbridge right now. It’s where the flat is too, a five-minute walk. Handy.’
‘She’s not in the water?’
‘Not yet, she’s been my life’s work for the last eighteen months. She’s my escape, the place I go to stop everything coming to a head. I’ve been buying time for us as a family, nothing more. Because pulling the plug on our marriage is not something I consider lightly. It felt easier, kinder to do it in stages, hence the flat.Foulais my happy distraction. A bare bones restoration, a rescue job really. She once raced the high seas and when I saw her,’ he shook his head, ‘it ripped my heart! But when she’s ready, the moment her hull hits the water, we could up anchor and off we’d go.’ He indicated with his arm stretched out, palm to the side, one eye slightly closed as if plotting a route. ‘We’d just go!’
