‘It’s the same for me...I’d like you to say it.’
It felt surreal, recalling this exchange while staring at him from the water, trying to figure out how they had tumbled so far, so quickly from that perfect moment.
Having made her way over the rocks and up to the wet sand, self-consciousness slid over her sea-slicked skin. It felt exposing, him seeing her in her swimming costume, especially after the intimacy they’d shared, now made shameful in light of his deceit. She decided to act as if he were invisible, ignoring him completely. To be this close to him was uncomfortable, unbearable, almost. Not that she intended to let him know this.
‘Tawrie,’ he began, standing now as she reached for her towel and rubbed her wet hair. ‘I don’t know what to say, but I know I need to speak to you. I’ve hardly slept.’
As she concentrated on getting dry and changed, invasive and unpleasant thoughts popped into her mind with imagery she could have done without. Had Petra climbed into that double bed in the attic room, lain her head on the pillow where Tawrie had slept and stared at the ceiling? How had Ed felt about it, a second bedfellow in such a short space of time, the sheets barely cold after they’dspent the night entwined and making promises he had no hope of honouring?
Gathering her dry robe from the bike she took a few steps to the left and pulled it over her head, rolling her wet swimming costume down to her waist, as ever welcoming the feel of the soft fleece lining against her skin. Her gaze she kept on the ocean, watching as Maudie and Jago took their last strokes of the morning swim.
‘I guess I thought ...’ She heard him swallow. ‘... I thought I had time to think of what to say, trying to find the time when things were perfect, knowing I was going to shatter it, trying to figure out how to tell you that—’
‘That you’re a liar?’ Still she didn’t look at him, but not speaking, not giving in to the words cued up on her tongue was a lot harder than she’d thought it would be.
‘I’m not, I’m not, I—’
‘It doesn’t matter how you dress it up or try to justify it. You’re engaged to be married to a woman who wears your sausage-fingered great-grandmother’s engagement ring, when the adjustments have been made that is. You must have been texting her, calling her and her you. I mean, of course, you guys are engaged after all.’
‘Taw.’ The sound of her name on his lips was like a punch to her throat.
‘And all while we drank wine, held hands, scoffed crisps, played bloody Uno, walked on the beach ... while we kissed. And we kissed a lot. Even when I slept with you.’
‘I never meant—’
‘Never meant what? Never meant for me to find out? What was your plan,Bear? To piss off back to London after a summer fling and leave me stranded, filled to the brim with all your bullshit?’
‘It wasn’t bullshit, none of it. It’s complicated, I—’
‘No! No, it’s not complicated. You lied to me! It’s actually very, very straightforward.’
‘I didn’t.’ He sounded close to tears and she took small comfort from it.
‘You did, you lied through omission, which is the same as telling a big fat lie!’
‘It’s . . . it’s not . . .’ He spoke softly.
‘Oh, but it is! It’s exactly the same, and the worst thing is that I fell for it! I fell for it all!’ She placed her palms on her forehead where the beginning of a headache was brewing. ‘All that bloody detail about hating your life, wanting to teach or paint, and never once dropping into the conversation the fact that you are engaged to Perky Petra! I feel like such an idiot. You made me into an idiot. And you know what? I have enough going on in my life without you throwing rocks into it as well.’
‘The reason I came here, apart from hating my job, which is true, is that I never wanted to get engaged, not to her. I thought I’d put some distance between us to figure all my shit out and then you just came into my life out of nowhere! She’s great, really lovely and we’ve been together for six years and she wanted more—’
‘Why are you telling me this?’ She felt torn, wanting him to shut up while actually craving the detail.
‘Because it’s important!’ He lunged forward and gripped her by the tops of the arms. ‘It’s important. And if you want me to sod off and not bother you again that’s fine, but I won’t be called a liar.’
She shrugged free, laughing in the face of his insistence when the exact opposite was the truth.
‘I didn’t know how to tell her that things were moving in the wrong direction. She’s a nice girl, a great girl, and I didn’t know how to say that while she was daydreaming of pageboys, marquees and flower arches, I was trying to figure out how to end things. I’ve never felt so trapped in my life! What started out as a suggestion from her, no more than a joke over dinner, all got very real very quickly when my stepmother got involved. The next thing I knew,they’re making plans, looking at fucking dresses and my dad had got his gran’s ring out of the attic!’
‘None of that is relevant. None of it. That’s how you got to that point in your life and good for you, but it’s what came next that bothers me. You told me you loved me, you slept with me, you let me fall in love with you! I’m twenty-eight, Ed, not a kid, and I’ve never, ever felt so shitty. And trust me, the bar was already pretty high.’
‘I never wanted to make you feel like that. I couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud. You and I were in this brilliant bubble and I knew mentioning Petra would burst it and I wanted to stay inside it forever. I didn’t want to risk scaring you off.’
‘Scaring me off? You’ve done more than that. You’ve hurt me! Hurt me deeply!’ She cursed the croak to her voice.
‘And that’s the hardest thing for me to reconcile. I didn’t speak plainly to Petra for fear of hurting her and not knowing how. I hid the truth from you for the same reasons. I feel like shit. Absolute shit. I didn’t plan any of it, I didn’t. You just happened to come along when I was trying to figure out my life and my next steps, and it’s like—’
‘Don’t. Just stop. I just don’t want to hear it! Your weakness is cringe-inducing. And I guess the good news is, you were worried about hurting us both but now you don’t need to be. You can go back to your fiancée and she’ll be none the wiser. You can omit the truth with her too.’ She pulled on her trainers and righted her bike.
