‘Not wrong, just ...’ he interrupted, as if it might make a difference.
‘Okay, not wrong, let’s say, distasteful to you. That list, your views ... I can see that it wasn’t a blip; it was an escape from the cage you see yourself living in, a way to break through the walls of dissatisfaction that have hemmed you in. I don’t and have never wanted to be your jailer.’
‘It’s not like that, Harriet. I love you.’ He sank down on to the floor in front of her, one hand on his heart, the other on her knees. He sounded a little breathless, overcome. ‘I love you.’
She stood slowly, edging him out of the way and coming to stand in front of the sitting room window with its view down Fore Street, deliberately not looking as he sat on the floor, giving him a chance to stand and restore his dignity.
‘I love me too, and that’s why I need to walk away. In setting you free, I’m setting myself free from a situation I didn’t know I needed to escape. But it’s the right thing to do.’
‘What about the kids? What about all the reasons we moved here, gave up our home, unsettled them?’
Turning to face him, she nodded. ‘This will always, always be all about the kids. Every decision I have ever made has had the children at the heart of it. That won’t change, not ever.’ This to remind him that her way of life meant never putting herself first. ‘I thought we could patch things up, thought we could start over, but we can’t. I can’t. The kids will be fine, eventually, because it will be their normal. And I for one can tell them how suddenly things can shift, even when you least expect it and you have to learn to live with a new normal.’
He put his hands on his hips and his stance and expression changed a little. It was familiar, and easier to deal with somehow; the way he switched gears from humble to defensive, depending on how things were going. It took all of her strength to continue, not knowing when she might next have the opportunity to speak so candidly. ‘I have to think about the long term and the message I want to give them. I don’t want Bear thinking it’s okay to treat people in the way you’ve treated me and there be no consequence, and I want Dilly to know her worth and not to put up with any shit because her partner tells her that’s all she has any right to expect.’
‘Are you enjoying this?’ This, too, a familiar pattern; how his frustration now bubbled over into anger.
She stared at him, noting his less than attractive physical traits. Part of the process, she guessed. The start of the emotionaldisentangling from the man who she had always thought was her future.
‘No. What I enjoyed was the life I had and not knowing I had anything to worry about. I enjoyed all of that. I’m not enjoying this, the dismantling of our lives, of our kids’ lives and all that comes next.’
‘You’re using that voice.’ He gave a short burst of laughter that didn’t reach his eyes. ‘The one you keep in reserve for talking to idiots, people you hold in low regard, officious pricks with clipboards, or when talking about your father.’
‘I know the one, and it’s nothing personal, Hugo. It’s just part of the barrier I have to put up to keep myself together, to stop me from losing it. To stop me from unravelling.’ It was taking every ounce of strength and every fibre of her being to remain calm and not sink down to the floor and weep.
‘You need to talk to the kids.’ His words were clipped.
‘Ineed to talk to the kids?’ She narrowed her eyes, wondering why the responsibility was deemed solely hers.
‘Yes, I mean this is your choice. Your decision.’
‘Yes, it is. Like deciding to clamber up on to a raft, forcing everyone to get out of the sea, to spoil the fun, when you’re the only one who’s seen a great big fucking shark circling!’
‘So, am I the shark?’ She hated the glint of confidence in his eye, as if he was happy she’d bitten. It didn’t bode well for the calm, grown-up strategy she pictured for their future.
‘Well, I certainly feel like the bait. Dangling, swallowed up and left in the dark. But yes, I’ll talk to the kids. If that’s what you want.’
Hugo moved quickly, turning towards the staircase and it was all she could do not to jump up and physically restrain him. How dare he do this, in this moment! In this way! It was cruel, a shit trick.
‘Dilly, Edgar, can you come down for a minute please, guys!’
There were two things about his yelling that bothered her most. The way he had used their son’s real name, almost suggesting that his childhood was coming to an end, time to use this grown-up name, and also his disgusting timing. The kids were readying for sleep, safe in their rooms, still getting used to their new home. What would have been the harm in letting them rest until the morning, to have this last night of peace before they had to hop on to that bloody raft? And forcing the issue, the timing; putting her in an unenviable position just to prove his point. Harriet knew she would never forgive nor forget his actions right now.
‘You can be a fucking prick, Hugo,’ she whispered, loudly enough for him to hear, as their little feet thudded down the stairs. It was harrowing, knowing her children were about to sit down on the sofa believing they lived one life, but by the time they stood again, they would be living quite another.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
TAWRIEGUNN
AUGUST2024
‘So, hot chocolate?’ Ed asked as he put the key in the front door of Corner Cottage.
‘Yes, please.’ Tawrie followed him into the kitchen. She swallowed nerves before voicing her thoughts, reflecting on what she’d shared on the beach. ‘I don’t tell many people about my life, how I feel, and about what’s going on. How I am.’
‘Well, I’m glad you can talk to me.’ He turned to hold her eyeline as he filled the kettle, before grabbing two blue-and-white dotty mugs from a dresser in the corner.
‘I don’t know what’s happening here, Ed.’ Her mouth felt dry.
