She remembered the day after she’d found out about the affair, seeing Wendy’s child walk across the playground with his heavy bag across his shoulder, his little tongue out, as if it was an effort to walk, and she imagined him calling Hugo ‘Dad’ and found herself rooted to the spot, unable to breathe or take a step forward or turn around; paralysed with something very close to fear. Another reason to move away, abandon ship, start over.
‘Shit! I didn’t know.’ Ellis drew her from the memory.
‘Yep, then there’s soccer club, where we are, or were, a tight-knit group of parents. Church where we sat on several of the same committees. Oh God, Ellis! It goes on and on!’
It felt suffocating, like a weight on her chest, as she laid the facts bare.
Her sister drew breath. ‘I guess in answer to your question, I think if anyone can fix things it’s you guys. You’ve always been such great friends, you both adore the kids, you had a good life inLedwick Green before it all went tits-up, so you have strong foundations. They’ve been shaken, yes, but I do believe you can have a good life here.’
‘Yes, we did have a good life, but that wasn’t enough to prevent him sleeping with Mrs Peterson.’ She pointed out the obvious with the familiar twist of horror in her chest.
‘I suppose the question is ...’ Ellis took her time. ‘... what do you want to happen, Hats? How do you see it panning out?’
‘I guess ... I guess time will help us get back to normality. We’re like strangers sometimes – a lot of the time. A bit awkward, timid, overly aware, and it crucifies me! It’s Hugo! My Hugo! And yet I wrap my body in a robe before I leave the bathroom. He used to pop in and pee in the loo while I was in the bath, now he knocks tentatively and asks if I’m going to be long ... it’s cold, different. Unfamiliar.’
‘That’s awful.’
‘It is. It’s lonely.’ It was the best thing about talking to her sister, she didn’t offer platitudes or pithy rationale, but instead validated her feelings, helped her believe she wasn’t going crazy. ‘I’m even too polite to ask if he had any dreams in case that’s a grey area. It’s like when you meet a stranger and cherry-pick topics to avoid differences or awkwardness.’
‘God, it sounds exhausting.’
‘It is. I’m very tired. We don’t talk about the old house, not ever. Not the move, the furniture we left behind, the kids’ old school – all topics we would and should be nattering about. It’s like an old horror movie where there’s a monster on the path behind us so we don’t look over our shoulders, don’t turn around, we just keep looking forward and smiling as if it’ll disappear or we reach safety and slam the door so it can’t come in – whichever happens first. It feels like we avoid any topic that might take us down that road towhere things went wrong: the night he gave her a lift back from the Christmas concert and that, apparently, was that.’
An image of them kissing like teens in his Audi sent a swirl of nausea around her stomach.
‘The joke is, I was the one who asked him if he’d mind dropping her off, as I was staying back to stack chairs and sweep the hall to help get the place ready for the drop-in lunch for the homeless the next day.’
‘What is it they say, no good deed goes unpunished?’ Ellis sniffed.
‘I can’t stand it! Yes, it’s exactly like I’ve been punished! It’s pretty here and the house is great, but I’ve given up everything. I loved my job, there was talk of promotion, the lab was familiar, I liked the team.’ She wiped her face. ‘What a price I’ve paid!’
‘You have, my love.’
‘And the kids.’ Her tears rolled as she thought of them starting over. ‘They were settled, happy, and now ...’
‘Aunty Ellis, do you want to come crabbing? Dad’s taking us down to the harbour,’ Dilly shouted as she clattered down the stairs, interrupting their chat as she raced into the sitting room.
‘Well, I’d absolutely love to!’ Ellis leapt up, clearly distracting her niece, heading her off at the pass to give Harriet a minute, but also, as Ellis paused to squeeze her arm, Harriet knew it was a ruse to give her space, let her get her thoughts together, compose herself.
‘We will probably get chips, Hats, so don’t bother cooking supper!’
‘Yes!’ Bear shouted in response to this suggestion of a treat.
Hugo grabbed his sage-green Schöffel from the back of a chair and winked at her.
‘Up for a spot of crabbing, Ellis?’ He clapped his hands loudly. Harriet saw him wither under her sister’s stare as she walked pasthim in the doorway. Her loyalty was heart-warming; her sister, her champion ...
Harriet raised her hand in goodbye and waited until the noise of the foursome carried along the street, heading towards the harbour, and she found herself alone.
A rare moment of peace ... I’ve realised that I miss my commute, the time for quiet contemplation that book-ended my working day, I miss the solitude that helped me gather my thoughts. Although I think I’d need a bit more than half an hour on the A4130 to figure my life out right now.
Everything still feels a little chaotic, to put it mildly.
It’s so great having Ellis here. She’s wise and a good listener. She asked me today what I want and it’s made me think: what do I want?
Harriet took a moment, tapping her pen on her teeth while she let her thoughts form.
I guess what I want is to go back to golden. I have a lump in my throat, not only at this truth, but also in recognition that we had it all! And this in turn reignites my distress. Urgh, it’s a horrible helter-skelter that I ride day and night. I just want to get off! I want to feel the solid ground beneath my feet. I don’t know if it’s even possible. I’ve never thought we’d recover entirely, not really. And I think that’s okay. All we need is to recover enough.
