‘Like the sea and your daily rendezvous with your Peacocks.’
‘Exactly. I was cautious at first about swimming. Actually, more than cautious, I was really scared.’Swimming in the sea that took my dad...
‘I get that.’ He pulled a face and they listened to the waves crash against the rocks. ‘Starting something new, leaping into the unknown.’
‘Bonkers, really, as I’ve always lived here on the coast, woken each morning of my life and looked out over the sea with gulls squawking their hello. Those that don’t know the sea think it’s just a vast body of water. But it’s so much more than that. It changes every day, a shifting landscape, a moving picture. A home itself, teeming with life: fish, seals, dolphins, even the odd whale – I’ve seen them all. It’s a changing thing that calls to me. It whispers in soft murmurs as it kisses the wet sand. It roars in fierce winds, douses me in winter and calms me in summer.’
‘Wow!’ He stared at her as if her words were prophetic, meaningful, and the fact that he was impressed felt like a huge reward. ‘You’ve really got the bug!’
‘I have. My dad and I used to paddle, but nothing like this, nothing like this feeling of being part of the water.’ The mention of her dad was enough to cause her throat to tighten. She didn’t want to feel this way, not here, not now and not in front of Edgar. Not when it felt like they were getting on, making progress. And yet it happened like this – unpredictable moments when her grief rose up, reached for her and held her fast. Even now.
‘So your dad . . .’
‘My dad what?’ She didn’t mean to sound so defensive; it was more a reflex when the subject that sat like a tear across her heart was raised. It made her uneasy to see the red bloom of embarrassment rise on his neck. It wasn’t his fault. He was merely entering stage left at this point in the drama, unaware of the tension, the sorrow, the event that had shaped her life.
Shaped all of their lives.
‘Do you ... do you see him?’ He swallowed, picking up on her verbal shift in tone.
‘No.’ She bit her lip, looking at her wet feet.
‘I’m sensing this conversation is leading me down an alleyway that you don’t want to walk, so how about we change the subject?’
He was insightful and she was grateful.
She took a deep breath. ‘It’s not that I don’twantto talk about it, it’s that Idon’ttalk about it. And so, like anything you don’t do, whether it’s climbing a hill or tackling a tricky subject, it makes it harder when you do try.’
‘I get that. So I guess the obvious thing to say is that maybe if youtryto talk about a difficult subject then it will stop being tricky?’
‘Now why didn’t I think of that?’ She threw a limpet shell at him.
He caught it in his hand. ‘Good skills.’
‘Thank you.’
He smiled and it felt like a moment, playful and comfortable. ‘So, I don’t want to push, but I do know a thing or two about broken families. Is it that you don’t see your dad at all?’
Oh I see him ... every time I let the water slip over my shoulders, every time I catch my breath in a wave, every time I see my mum draped over the arm of someone who isn’t him. I see him, I think about him, and I imagine, even if it’s only briefly, a life where I don’t have to have this conversation because he is here.
‘I don’t see him, no.’ She paused and rolled the words around in her mind, hoping they might make their way out of her mouth without too much consideration, no high drama or emotion. It was how she kept the subject in check, how she kept everything in check.
‘That sucks.’ He held her eyeline.
‘It really does.’
She shivered as her body cried out for sustenance or a warm drink. Not that she had any intention of going anywhere in that moment.
‘Do you want to do something later?’
‘Like what?’
Like what! Why did you say that, you moron?His question and timing had caught her off guard to say the least. Having blurted her ill-considered response, she wished for a rewind button so she could answer more appropriately, deciding that if a do-over was possible, she’d say, ‘Yes, that’d be great!’ Or ‘Oh, I was thinking the same thing!’ Or ‘Yes, I think I might love you! Why don’t we just cut to the chase and go get married, right now, today?’ Having mentally run through these permutations, she decided, on balance, that ‘Like what?’ maybe wasn’t so bad after all.
‘I don’t know, erm ...’ He rubbed his chin as he thought. ‘We could go for a walk around the harbour or go down to Rapparee Cove or up around Capstone Hill, whatever you want to do.’
‘Okay, great. Shall I come and knock for you at seven?’
Again she cringed, aware she sounded like a teen looking for a mate who fancied a kick about.
