‘I guess.’ She closed her eyes briefly and let the sea breeze lift her hair.
‘The reason’ – her mother took a long drag of her cigarette – ‘that I pick up men, or rather let them pick me up, is complicated, there are many reasons.’
‘How?’ she pushed, this felt like progress.
‘Take your pick: comfort, company, sex, flattery, a diversion. Any of them will do, but in a haze of booze being wanted by a man, any man, it makes me ...’
‘Makes you what?’ she hardly dared ask.
‘It makes me forget.’ Annalee nodded and toyed with the cigarette between her fingers.
‘Forget?’
‘Him. Your dad. Dan. My Dan. Just for a minute, I forget how good I had it and how my life felt on track and how one moment of choppy sea, and one moment of distraction and one traffic jam on the A361, which meant Sten was late, and my life changed forever. Forever! And everything,everythingI thought I knew and everything I had planned toppled into the sea with him. A matter of seconds, Taw. That was all. You’d think, wouldn’t you, that for something so life-changing it might be a long, drawn-out thing, giving me time to adjust, to understand what was happening and why; a chance to intervene, change the outcome. But no, just seconds and it was all gone. Just like that.’ She clicked her fingers. ‘He was gone and I haven’t really felt anything since. Nothing.’
Her mother’s words were like glass that shredded her heart. It was desperate, it was sorrowful and it was her story too. For the first time in as long as she could recall, she didn’t feel disgusted by Annalee’s admission, but rather she was full of pity for the shell of the woman who had once had it all.
‘In Harriet’s diary, she wrote about seeing you and Dad out on your walks around the harbour.’
‘We did that every night. I still walk the path, but I do it after dark and I make out he’s by my side and I chat to him just the same.’
It was odd to hear how her mother’s actions so eerily matched her own.
‘I talk to him in the water when I swim, as if he’s there with me.’ It was a hard confession from a throat constricted with sadness.
‘He is there with you. He is.’ Annalee stubbed her cigarette into the sand and Tawrie seized the moment and reached for her hand. It trembled in her palm like a frightened bird.
‘And sometimes, for the longest time in fact ...’ Tawrie hesitated, knowing that her thoughts were a little odd. ‘... I thought he lived on Lundy and that’s why I couldn’t go there, in case he wasn’t there and I would really lose him then, forever. And that’s why I’ve never wanted to go away to college, Mummy, in case ... in case he comes back and I’m not here.’ Her tears sheeted her face as distress stole her poise. ‘In case he’s not staying, but only popping in and I miss him. Miss my chance to tell him how much I love him, how much I miss him!’
‘Oh, Tawrie!’ Annalee looked into her face, her sorrow mirroring her own. ‘He isn’t coming back. I wish he was!’ Her mum’s distress was hard to witness, yet strangely unifying too. ‘We both lost so much, didn’t we?’ Annalee asked, as tears ran into her mouth.
‘Yes, but we didn’t lose each other. And I think he’d want us to do better, wouldn’t he?’
‘He really would. I ... I need help, Tawrie! You were right in what you said when we had that row: I need help! I’ve taken solace in drinking. It helps me to escape, to forget.’
‘I don’t think it helps anything, not in the long run. We’ll get you help, Mum. You’re not alone. But it is a mountain only you candecide to climb, no matter how much we will all cheer you on. I want you to succeed, for you! For you and for me and for Nan. You deserve a better life, we all do. I know it’s hard but no matter what happens, I will always love you. I’ll never stop loving you, Mum.’
Annalee lay her head on her shoulder and Tawrie was shocked by the insubstantial weight of her frail body.
‘I’m so lonely!’ she sobbed.
‘I know, Mum. I know. But this is a huge step, a new beginning. I can feel it.’
‘I miss him so much! He took my heart with him, Tawrie, and I can’t, even now, twenty years later, I can’t figure out how to go on without him. I don’t even know if I want to. When I tripped down the steps, as I fell, I kind of hoped that I might not wake up! I miss him!’
Tawrie wrapped her arms around her mother’s slight form and held her tight, and there they sat as the beach started to fill with friends, neighbours and family. Dusk pulled light from the day and music started to drift across the cove. Needle lit the flaming torches, and still they sat, side by side, unified in grief and with a greater understanding, which Tawrie knew was the key to becoming closer, to building for their future.
‘I need to go and have a word with Needle; I’ll be straight back.’
Annalee nodded as Tawrie grabbed the man who had always been there, the man who was practically family, the man who had a boat ...
The evening grew louder, busier and she and Annalee sat side by side on the shoreline, happy to just be in each other’s company.Nora and Gordy, with their relatives in tow, came over and bent low to kiss her cheek.
‘Happy birthday, Gunns!’ Gordy shouted and headed off to the bar, pulling Nora with him, his arms around her waist like they were young lovers. It was nice to see. They were greeted by Georgie, the milk delivery guy, and his wife Cleo who was smiley, barefoot and pregnant with their second child. Tawrie felt her mother move a little closer, as if just the sight of couples in love was a little more than she could stand.
‘Here we go.’ One of Annalee’s friends from the pub arrived and handed her a tumbler full of wine. She took it into her shaking hands and sipped it, like medicine, and Tawrie understood that withdrawal from the drug that held her in its grasp was going to be a slow process. The beach was filling up with faces she recognised and some she didn’t, but the atmosphere was wonderful. She had planned on going home, showering and changing, but time had caught her out and here she was, grubby jeans, messy hair and a t-shirt she’d worn all day.
A quick glance to her left and she spied Connie and Needle sitting by the newly lit fire, huddled close with a blanket around their shoulders as Sonny raced around the beach with the other kids. This, too, brought her joy. Needle, brilliant Needle who had agreed to help her out; a constant in their lives and that, she understood, was no bad thing.
