Cassian looked deflated, as if the strength had left his legs, and it tore at her heart to know she was the cause, understanding howwords could be weapons. What was it Lawrence had said?It meant nothing. She’s nothing!
‘I love you, Cass, I love you so much. You and Dom, you are my whole heart. Half each.’ She tried to find a bright tone. ‘But I am so tired of visiting Winnie and Bernie and listening to their bullshit, eating cake, cheese, whatever, knowing that we’re a gnat’s fart away from total collapse. It’s madness!’ She put her hands in the air. ‘He won’t talk to them. Your dad thinks it’s better to keep up the façade, splash out, drive that big old car, and jangle his watch to whoever is looking rather than say out loud that we’re broke. Flat broke. And I’m so tired.’
‘So, you’re leaving us?’ His words were like knives, spoken as his lip trembled at the prospect that overwhelmed them both.
‘No! No, I’m not leaving, not running, not hiding, but I am moving out briefly, or thinking of it, just taking a beat to gather my thoughts.’
‘Don’t do that, Mum, please!’
It was all it took – her son’s distress enough to put a big dent in her confidence that she had made the right decision.
‘I just don’t know if I can live like this anymore, Cass. I don’t know if I can do it.’ It was as if the voicing of her feelings was enough to affect her physically. It took all her strength to hold her head up high. ‘And it won’t be forever and probably not for long. You and Dom can stay here or come with me or split your time; whatever works best. I would never ask you to choose between your dad and me, never. I would never want you to. He loves you so much, he loves us all, but I swear, Cass, I need a break, need a pause, because I’m almost beaten. I want a moment of peace. And I think ... I think ...’ Sorrow swamped her as she heard his words, his admission that he had had an affair with the girl next door, and that he had shoved their shopping money at the woman’s daughter. ‘I think I deserve a moment of peace.’
‘He won’t survive without you.’ The sight of her son’s tears was like swords through her gut. ‘He won’t be able to do it, Mum. Even if you only go for a short while. He’ll sink. And’ – he wiped his nose – ‘and you do deserve peace, you do. You’re the best, you’re the best mum I could ever have asked for.’ His words were like balm, they healed and soothed in equal measure. ‘And if you don’t love him then I get it and I think you should do what you need to ... need to do ...’ he stuttered. ‘But if you do love him then please, please don’t abandon him. He is literally only held up by the perception of other people and you. That’s it. We all know it – he knows it!’
She shook her head, knowing she would never share her husband’s betrayal, wanting to leave him as shiny as was possible in her son’s mind. Despite his many and obvious flaws, her job was not to sully or put a hole in their relationship, but rather to steer Cassian calmly and be there for him to answer all and any questions: his mentor, his cheerleader, his mum ...
‘I do love your dad. I do.’ Again, her tears fell, and she sniffed. ‘But right now, Cass, I need a bit of space. I need him to think about what happens next, and I need to breathe! To sleep a night without the worry lying on me like a heavy blanket. I need to figure out what I need, because I count too.’ Again, she looked skyward, feeling dogged by exhaustion at the effort of it all.
He came to rest on the edge of her bed, sitting with his back to her. She watched him hunched over and wished there were another way. Another way to make Lawrence wake up and speak the truth, to make him understand just how much he had hurt her and that there was no going back from it. How could they? He had slept with Lisa, had an affair, been unfaithful, broken their vows – he had hurt her. She was cut so deeply by the fact, she looked down at her middle, expecting to see light coming through.
‘I know loving someone is hard, but it means loving them no matter what – that’s what you always said!’
‘It’s not always that straightforward, Cass. Sometimes self-preservation has to come before love or there’s a danger you mightbothsink.’
‘I guess I just don’t want this to be how it is. I don’t cope very well with change. It scares me a bit. And I worry that you might go for a short while but never come back. You might like wherever you go more than being here.’
‘That won’t happen. The place I like best is wherever you are. And change scares us all, love, that’s the truth.’
‘I’ve ... I’ve met someone, Mum. I suppose I’m in love.’ He sounded coy yet was clearly keen to share it with her. His admission drew her focus and blew hope on the flickering embers of joy that lay within her, almost extinguished, but not quite.
His words were a surprise. She knew they were cause for celebration, a milestone, a joyous thing, and guilt flooded her veins that the news was not delivered in the way she had always envisaged: over coffee, around the kitchen table, idling at the edge of the pool in Melbourne ...
‘Cass! That’s wonderful! I’m happy for you! I’m so happy for you! Oh, that’s great. Who is she? Does she make you happy?’ Her voice broke, remembering what it felt like to be in the first throes of love, to carry that joyous bubble of all the wonderful possibilities that lay ahead. First love, when joy felt infinite, happiness unbridled and no matter what the future held, the prospect of being by the side of the person who made the world a better place meant anything was possible.
Her son nodded. ‘I am happy. Happier than I have ever been. It’s Jake.’
She had lost the thread. ‘What’s Jake, darling?’ She wondered at what point they had changed topic and how she had missed it.
‘It’s Jake who makes me happy.’ He turned to face her and delivered his words slowly. ‘It’s Jake that I love. And he loves me back.’
‘Cassian!’ She placed her hand over her mouth. ‘I’m ... I’m ... I don’t know what to say.’
‘Just say something, say what you are feeling, what you think!’ He swallowed, his skin dotted with nervous sweat. ‘Jake said we should tell people and I’ve wanted to, kind of. Not as much as him ... I don’t know what Dad will say. Tell me how you’re feeling!’
She stared at her beautiful son and felt her heart swell. ‘I guess I feel sad.’
‘Oh my God!’ He shook his head. ‘Not you, Mum! That’s not what I thought, no way. I—’ His chest heaved.
‘No! No, Cass. Oh, my baby boy, no!’ Scooting forward, she reached for her son, pulling him towards her, holding him fast and cradling him like he was a baby, as she kissed the top of his sweet head. ‘No, not sad because it’s Jake, not at all, but sad that you haven’t spoken to me sooner, couldn’t tell me how you felt.’
She felt him relax in her arms, with what she guessed was relief.
‘I needed to figure it out in my head first.’
‘I get that, I do. But you must have had so many questions, been so scared. I don’t know, I just can’t stand the thought of you having to figure anything out without my support.’
‘I need your support right now,’ he whispered.
