She stayed silent, letting him spill the words that spewed from him, each one incriminating, each one like a scythe to the delicate stays that had held her fast for so long but which in recent times had been slowly fraying. Each one a blade to sever the excuses that had kept her tethered to him.
‘It was just sex then and it was just sex when I cheated. That’s all,’ he repeated, and his naivety made her cringe. It seemed he couldn’t stop talking, filling the quiet space with admissions and confessions as if they might counter her silence. Each word a rock hurled at her head.
‘I went over that night to see Mum and Dad and tell them we were going to emigrate, and she was on the path where we used to meet at the side of the garden, and I was confused, lost, scared, and we just ... it just ...’
‘How long?’ She coughed to clear the distress from her throat. ‘How long were you seeing her before we went away?’
‘Not long, two months, three ...’
Months! Not just one time, but months... She thought she might vomit.
‘When was the last time you slept with her? How long before we left for Australia?’
‘Why does that matter?’
‘When Lawrence?’ She wanted – no, needed – the detail.
‘I don’t know, ten days ...’
Ten days!She thought about that frantic yet exciting time before they boarded the plane for their new lives down under. Packing bags, saying her goodbyes, placating the kids, reassuring her parents, thinking about the journey. And every night longing to feel the arms of the man she loved around her, telling her that everything was going to be okay, because this was their fresh start, this was the new beginning they had been waiting for. And all the while he was having sex with Lisa, the girl next door. She felt the rise of bile in her throat.
‘It meant nothing. She’s nothing! When I got to the airport, just before we flew, I deleted her number from my phone and I went into the Mulberry shop and bought you that bag. I kept it for your birthday. I knew I wanted to get you something nice, wanted to give you a gift that you’d carry every day, a reminder of how much I love you, our new life ...’
Julie opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She was mute. Struck dumb with the shock of his admission. She had never suspected in a million years, of all his crimes – his lies, his deceit – infidelity had not entered her mind. And because it never entered hers, naïvely, she had thought they were the same. Honouring the vows they took while Winnie sobbed, and her own parents beamed at the great catch she had landed. What a farce.
‘And then when we were away, I put her out of my head, forgot about it completely. In my mind, it made sense – it was like, because we’d been together as teenagers, it didn’t really feel like cheating. I managed to forget about it.’
None of it makes sense...Poor Lisa...Poor me...
‘And then at Mum and Dad’s after the dinner last night, I saw her again.’
Julie exhaled as if she’d been punched in the gut. It was the sound of a woman winded and wounded.
‘You ... you slept with her again last night?’ She closed her eyes as if this might prevent her seeing and hearing more.
‘No, of course not! But she was blabbing about letting it out, after all this time, how she thought it might fuck up both our families, and how worried she’d been about her husband finding out.’
Julie pictured the bearded man she’d seen shuffling in and out of the house next door to Winnie, always in his work clothes. Working hard to live his ordinary life, a life made dishonest, a lie, by his wife’s deceit. Her heart went out to him.
‘Is she going to tell him?’ Her voice was small, reed thin and brittle with emotion. She felt unbelievably sad for Jake, Daisy, and the man with the heavy tread in the red polo shirt.
‘I don’t think so.’ He cried again but this time his tears repulsed her. Staring at the man she didn’t know at all, she felt numb; sick and numb.
‘Do you love her?’ She could barely stand to ask, the words like glass on her tongue.
He shook his head, snot and tears snaking into his mouth. ‘No! I love you!’
‘My God.’ She felt her body sink until her cheek lay on the oak flooring. This was where she needed to be, flat and horizontal so she couldn’t fall. His words echoed.
‘I promise you, Jules, I promise you that it all means nothing to me – not the sex, not Lisa, not any of it. I love you! I love our family! If I could turn back time and wipe it all out, I would; if I could do things differently, I would. But I can’t, so all we can do is go forward, like you said. We go forward together, start over, lead a happy life.’
‘Do Winnie and Bernie know?’ she managed.
‘No. No one knows, just Lisa and me, and now you.’
Cassian and Jake were the very best of friends and all the while their parents ... The thought was more than she could process.
‘There’s no need for anyone else to know; what would it serve? No need to upset the kids or her family or Mum or Dad, no need for any of that.’ He wiped his face and took a deep breath.
