‘I love this time of night – or is it morning? I never know what to call it when I haven’t slept.’
‘It’s morning,’ he confirmed. ‘Saturday morning.’
‘I can picture different times in my life when to be up and about in the early hours felt like a gift, a wonderful and exciting thing.’ She popped teabags into two mugs set on the countertop. ‘I remember when we started dating and we’d sit talking and laughing for hours and hours, and before we knew it, it was nearly the dawn of a new day and I remember the light being breathtaking. It was this same beautiful mauve shade.’ She pointed at the sky. ‘The whole world seemed still and everything felt possible. I’d never met anyone like you, Loz, never met anyone who didn’t seem to see any obstacles in the way of his dreams, someone who just believed and went for it. I thought that was brave and exciting. I still do.’
This felt like a good place to start, a reminder to both her and him of the essence of the man and what had made life good, an anchor point.
He nodded, his emotions clearly still hovering near the surface.
‘Then when Cass was born ...’
‘Just after midnight,’ he chipped in with a small smile, as if he too could readily recall that moment their lives had changed forever.
‘Yes. And you’d fallen asleep in the chair in my room. I was holding him and time slipped by until the darkness gave way to light. It felt so precious: his very first day on the planet and I got to hold him through his first dawn. That feels like yesterday, and here he is nearly grown-up, chasing girls, heading off to uni. A mere blink from that moment when I was cradling him, watching the sun come up with you snoozing in the corner.’
He rubbed his unshaven face.
‘I guess I want to remind you that we have a wonderful history, Lawrence, and that I know you have always tried your best. But Ialso think it’s good to know when to quit.’ The last sentence she almost whispered, knowing it would be as hard for him to hear as it was for her to say. ‘You need to take a step back and see the bigger picture, understand how your actions have consequences for us all.’
He nodded and stared at her, unblinking. ‘Yes, I’ve been thinking about that this evening.’
She wanted him to open up to her, knowing this would make the next phase of communication easier, unsure of how he would react to her requests that he get a regular job, that they live simply, move somewhere affordable, tell his parents ... she knew it was a lot.
‘So, you just drove around tonight?’
‘Yes.’ He coughed. ‘I wanted to get away from the house, from the ... the situation with Dom, but also I wanted to spend time in my car.’
‘I think Dom and I might have needed you to spend time with us.’ She didn’t know why she said it, having in truth preferred him out of the way while she’d ferried her girl up the stairs, into the shower, finding her clean pyjamas while letting the fractious air settle. It would, however, have been nice if he’d not stayed out so late without word.
‘I know that.’ He held her eyeline. ‘But sometimes if I need to think or get something straight in my head; I can only do it when I’m on my own, and driving helps. No music, not going fast, I just put the window down and see where I end up. Never far away, but after a while, I kind of come to, if that makes any sense, and a bit of the fog lifts and I know it’s time to come home.’
‘I understand that need for quiet and to have some time alone.’
‘I wasn’t alone all of the time; I went to see Micky Tate.’ He blinked up at her like a child who thought he might be in trouble.
‘You did? You went to his house?’ Her voice went up an octave, shocked that he would pitch up at the footballer’s house and equally worried of what he might have done or said in his riled state.
‘I’ve ... I’ve been there before.’ He spoke quite matter-of-factly.
‘You have?’ This was news. ‘Why? How do you know him?’ Her stomach jumped. What else didn’t she know?
He spoke slowly. ‘He’s one of the investors in the new build.’
‘One of your investors?’
‘Yes.’
‘Micky Tate?’
‘Yes.’
‘What did he say about Dom? What didyousay?’ She gave him her full attention, wanting the detail, hoping to dispel some of the unpleasant images that had filled her head earlier, but in truth, the peeling away of another layer only made his business dealings seem more troubling.
He closed his eyes and gave a wry laugh. ‘Where to begin ...’
She waited, holding her breath.
‘He’s a nasty piece of work. And the upshot is, he’s sending me a bill – a hefty bill – to have the leather of his car interior replaced and some other work. I think the end amount will be more than my actual car is worth.’
