He heard the note of hope in her tone, wanting her son under her roof.
‘Maybe.’ It worried him, his mum’s tendency to slink off without a word. He hated how, recently, she seemed to live in her own bubble, her eyes brimming with all they tried to contain and her attention span brief. He knew that she too disliked the way his dad handled things, but was there a danger of her doing something similar? Of making her own plan, doing what was best for her and not thinking about him and Dom? He really hoped not. Secrets were harmful, the things they chose not to say and share seemingly just as damaging as those they did.
You can talk... his interior voice whispered.
‘Thought I might have heard from my sister Pattie today, just a text or something to say happy anniversary, but no, nothing. Mean that, isn’t it?’
‘Maybe she forgot?’
‘Maybe. She’s an oddball that one, who knows where her mind’s at. I think all that vegan food has addled her brain. Needs a good steak or a lump of cheese to put her right!’ His nan ground her bottom teeth against the top ones and her eyes blazed briefly. He noted the anger she displayed. It obviously displeased her, having a sibling who was an oddball. He pictured Domino and wondered if she would be similarly angered in the future. He hoped not. He hoped they would find a middle ground, that she’d grow up and they’d be friends. He could wish ...
‘Well, you could always send her some – you’ve got more cheese than Sainsbury’s.’
‘I never want my family to go hungry. No one will ever say I didn’t know how to feed my lot.’
‘Don’t think that’s likely!’ He laughed, and his nan’s face softened.
‘You go find Jake. Have a lovely evening the both of you.’
‘We will.’
‘If he comes in, show him my bouquet, won’t you? It’s in the sitting room.’
‘I will. Night, Nan.’
‘Night, darling. I’m one lucky, lucky lady.’
He wasn’t sure how it would work out if Cleo went into labour, what with Grandad Bernie being drunk. He wondered if Cleo was scared, nervous or just excited. She always seemed a little outside of the inner circle, sitting quietly, watching proceedings, as if she was no more than an observer, only joining in when prompted. Not that dissimilar to his mum who, whenever she was with her in-laws, smiled so broadly he was sure her cheeks must hurt by theend of the evening. It was as if she was trying to convince them that everything was great.
It was all so predictable and wearing because of it. Was it even a family gathering unless his parents had fought en route to the venue, Grandad Bernie had cried, Cleo and Georgie had left early, and Nana Winnie had said how very proud she was of them all?
It was edging towards half past eleven. He wondered where Domino might have gone, guessing at Shiskas or The Race Club, and knowing that if he and Jake went out, they would avoid both of those places; the prospect of bumping into her was more than he could stand. It was one thing to hear the whispers of his sister’s unsavoury behaviour, but quite another to have to witness it himself. He had to give it to her, though, she was smart, knew how to play the game. He envied her ability to sit smiling sweetly at everyone, quietly partaking just enough without drawing too much attention or overly engaging. Sometimes, he tried to emulate her but only appeared aloof, which as a Kelleway at a Kelleway gathering was not the done thing.
He hadn’t wanted to come here after the restaurant, not really; he’d had enough of his family for one night, but it was, as his mum had reminded him earlier in the day, ‘a very special occasion’. Besides, it was one step closer to seeing his best mate. It had been weird having Jake’s little sister as their waitress. She’d done an okay job, although she was a bit vacant, which for someone who Jake described as the love child of Stephen Hawking and Marie Curie, was less than he had expected. He would never say as much to his best friend, but he found her to be a bit ... dozy. Yes, that was the word:dozy.She was nice enough, but always looked as if her mind was on other things, and she was, sadly for her, without all the things that made Jake stand out: his athleticism, his humour, his energy. He pictured Domino, who spent her time scrolling herphone and giggling – and understood how it was possible to share parents and yet be very different people.
He took in his reflection in the kitchen window. Oh yes, ithadbeen hard these last few months ... his family living yet again on a greased tightrope.More than anything he wanted to make things okay for his mum, wishing he knew how to break the spiral of their rows that carried his parents round and round until tiredness or smashing something made one of them walk away. Tonight he had noticed the lines on her forehead which formed when she was quizzical or worried. She had them a lot recently.
‘I’m okay,’ she’d said when he’d asked and she’d smiled that smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.
He loved her so much. She was the person who made everything okay. The person who hadalwaysmade everything okay. The person who painted on a happy face no matter what, even as they shut the front door of their East Melbourne home and threw their hastily packed luggage into the back of the rental car that would ferry them to Geelong, away from the life they all loved. He knew that he was coming close to talking to her openly, to sharing his secrets, it was all just a matter of timing. But what worried him most was that she might look at him differently. He couldn’t stand the thought. What was it she always said? ‘You are unique, beautiful and kind. The whole wide world is waiting for you, Cass...’
He hoped it was true, knowing that as soon as he finished his education, he wanted to live in the countryside – anywhere that was quiet and uncomplicated. These two things he wanted more than anything. He knew Domino craved bright lights and fast cars, but he had his sights firmly on uncomplicated and peaceful. The word that currently best described his family life was ‘turbulent’ and he saw first-hand the stress that came with turbulence. Especially while they all had to pretend that everything was fine, keeping up the façade for Nanny Win and Grandad Bernie. Although this he kindof understood – the pretending. It had been good to hear his dad try to open up the conversation. He wondered what had made him cry.
It couldn’t have been easy for him, having to give up his aspirations and dreams of becoming a footballer, and to hear it dragged up again in front of everyone tonight made him feel sorry for the man they had called MrMoneybags. He knew what it felt like to be within touching distance of something and not be able to tell the world, and it felt like shit.
There was the sound of a light rapping on the front door. Opening it wide, Jake stood in the beam of the porch light. He looked golden. Cassian simultaneously felt his throat tighten and his gut grip. It was almost torturous to stand this close to him and not be able to touch him. He was unsure where his dad was and whether his grandparents had made it up the stairs yet.
He dug deep to find the persona, to recall the exact detail of the disguise he wore each and every time he saw Jake in public. He was well-schooled in suppressing the instinct to remove a stray lock of hair from his face, to reach for his hand so their fingers could entwine or to tell him in gushing tones about a dream where they had been together on a beach or bed, walking hand in hand, but always with Jake staring at him with a look of such intensity it caused Cassian’s words to stutter in his throat and made him shiver with a longing that he carried with him for much of the following day.Jake... the boy he loved. And the boy who loved him in return. Theirs was a love of intensity, of loyalty, of promise for the future, and was a thing of pure joy! It made him happier than he had ever known was possible. And how Cassian treasured it.
They had started slowly, tentatively. Mates at first, each putting out feelers, testing the water, hoping they weren’t misreading the sometimes subtle signals, and both utterly paralysed by the fear of rejection. But for the last six months, they had been open, lettinglove fill up all the empty spaces inside them, warming them from the inside out. Yes, his homelife might have been turbulent, but in the choppy waters, Jake was an island on which Cassian could feel safe, a place where he could not only be himself, but where he could breathe ...
‘Tell me you have beer. Lots of beer,’ Jake said as he entered, leaving a trail of his scent in his wake, which Cassian inhaled as he nodded.
‘Beer, vodka, cheese, you name it.’
‘Yes, please!’ Jake bared his teeth in a fake smile and Cassian could only think about his mouth and the urge to kiss it. ‘In that case we need go nowhere else, although hold the cheese. All I need is enough booze to fell a wildebeest and I’ll be happy. How was the party thing?’
‘Fine. Boring. Just as you’d expect,’ he whispered. ‘Dom said she was going to study and left early – Ruby came and picked her up.’
